Brian P. Mangan, come on down!! You’re the next contest on, “Who Wants to Be the Next Lapdog Bitch for the Wilpons?!”
What a schmuck you are, dude. Go fuck yourself. No Rusney Castillo? No Kang? No Cabrera for barely any money that even these Jews can open their purses for? No anybody? So if Murph gets hurt it’s Flores + Tejada up the middle?
Fuck you, Brian. Fuck you, Metsblog. I hope the Wilpons gave you a second helping of mush for this one.
It’s amazing that the Padres got big game James. They already got Matt Kemp, Justin Upton, and more.
They obviously didn’t get the memo that the Mets got. It read, “NL teams: please, one trade or FA signing only. If you had a losing record last year, you’re not allowed to make improvements to multiple positions.”
The Padres have implemented an innovative strategy: “Get more talent.” The Mets disagree.
Metsblog took it’s time defining and understanding what the Jewbrass means when they talk about “payroll flexibility.” Thankfully, over here at Metsblow, we know what it means.
Payroll Flexibility: We need to have enough Jew gold in the pouches we wear around our necks so that when the next Ponzi scheme comes along, we can properly invest in it and steal more money from the American taxpayer. Then, when the scheme collapses, we need enough payroll flexibility (re: Jew gold) to pay off the legal system so they decree that we were innocent (albeit ignorant) victims of the hoax.
Payroll Flexibility everyone! Payroll flexibility! Oh by the way, all the shortstops that have been taken this offseason (including the Korean stud Jeong-ho Kang) were signed for next to nothing.
Mets signed LHP Duane Below to add to our bullpen. He’s a lefty, so that works. He’s a minor leaguer, so that fits better with our offense.
Wilpons, you can Duane Below me.
In 2014, The Mets won only 4 times all season against the Nats (they went 4-15).
People love looking flabbergasted and asking, “Why? WHYYYYYY?” (Nancy Kerrigan voice) when it comes to our performance against the Nationals. People love pointing out that if we kept pace and went 9-10 against them, we would have won 84 games, which would still have been shy of the playoffs but would’ve shown that we’re ready to compete.
Uhhh…newsflash. This wasn’t some weird divisional anomaly. This isn’t an, “oooh they’re in our heads” (re: 2007, 2008 Phillies) kind of thing. There’s no reason to go all Nancy Kerrigan. The reason is fucking simple. The Nationals are a GOOD team. The Mets are a BAD team. They stomped us into the ground because they have great pitching and we can’t hit for shit. Wake the fuck up, Mets fans.
Sandy Alderson carefully, diplomatically tip-toed and explained why the Mets will not be signing the next great Cuban ballplayer. He talked about investment strategies, international pools, taxes, and limitations with Amed Rosario, among other things.
You can read his exact quote anywhere. However, only Metsblow has the quote from his inner-voice:
“OUR OWNERS ARE CHEAP FUCKING JEWS!”
That’s all. Oh, and in future news: Moncada is raking with the Yankees.
Wow, great headline there Metsblog!
Also, kids are disappointed when they find out Santa isn’t real.
I won’t be that disappointed since my expectations are low. Why would we, a 79-win team that hasn’t improved in the offseason be disappointed that we don’t make the playoffs? I mean hell, if we win 85 games this year, that’d be nice, but is that even a playoff team? I doubt it.
Sandy Alderson also said, “We don’t have an All-Star at every position, but we don’t have gaping holes either.” Just then, Wilmer Flores and Ruben Tejada came poking out of the dugout, only to be swatted away by brooms and sprayed with water as they hissed and retreated.
Speaking of gaping holes, how bout owner? There’s a position with a huge gaping hole. HUGE. GAPING. HOLE. Actually, it’s more that we (the fans) are the ones with the huge gaping holes. Hey Sandy, hey Jeffy: at least take us to dinner first.
Frank Viola, fresh off a hot night on the strip, drunkenly rambled about Mets LHP prospect Steven Matz. “He’s got the fire. He’s a wrecking machine. Red ain’t dead. I lost a lot on the superbowl but I’ve got hot hands in the dice game, baby girl!”
He went on to say, “If you give [Matz] a chance in those types of situations [World Series games], he’s going to shine.”
Thanks Frank! Good to know we’ve got a World Series MVP on our hands. Now all we’ve gotta do is get to the World Series. No problemo! Hype! Hype! Hype!
Terry Collins is already in Port St. Lucie. Not to train, mind you, but to tan.
His skin looking leathery as ever, the old man was told by his bosses to watch his brown-skinned back.
Though Collins is not as dark as Willie Randolph or Jerry Manuel, his tanning obsession has led some to confuse him for a minority (always a big problem for managers/people dealing with the NY media).
When asked why he was on the hot seat, his bosses replied, “Look, we would’ve fired you already but you haven’t had any talent to work with. Nobody could’ve won with the teams we’ve given you.” TC responded, “this team is exactly the same as before.” But the bosses were quick to point out, “Now you have Cuddyer!”
So unless Cuddyer gets hurt (likely), he’s healthy and someone else gets hurt (likely), the whole team is healthy and plays well (unlikely), TC is in trouble.
Just be sure not to ask for a penny more than you’re getting or you’ll suffer the same fate as Ojeda. And avoid all trips to California, as that land has proven to be a Bermuda Triangle for Mets managers.
7 years ago today, the Mets signed Johan Santana.
Today, the Mets’ owner Jeff Wilpon attempted to sign up for welfare.
Some Mets fans may say, “Well, Johan didn’t get us to the playoffs. So let’s try something different. No big, bloated contracts.” To that I say, “fuck you, fellow Mets fan!” Johan aka Nohan is a fucking beast all-star. Yeah, he got hurt. Yeah, it didn’t entirely work out. But that’s because the Wilpons didn’t put talent around him (Sign Johan, don’t offer Reyes a deal, etc.)
Johan was phenomenal. His signing is not a cautionary tale. Do not let the Mets’ Jew-brass fool you into thinking that the Johan deal is reason never to sign a big time FA again.
Sandy Alderson is talking about how this club can win 10 more games than last year. So that’d be 89 (one less than his 2014 goal). Thanks for the potential 89 wins, Sandy! With that, we’ll just barely miss the playoffs yaaaay! Just barely! Sign a Johan-type player (Tulo?) and win 20 more fucking games. Sheeeeiiiit.
MetsBlow 