Nieuwenhuis vs den Dekker WHO YA GOT!?

Terry Collins just said, “Kirk Nieuwenhuis and Matt den Dekker will battle for the last spot in the roster, with the decision likely coming down to who hits more than the other.”

Let’s look at this further…

1) The decision will come down to who hits more. BRILLIANT! Great. Love it. The decision for who will be our pinch hitter (and likely starting outfielder once Cuddyer gets hurt) comes down to who is better at hitting. Brilliant strategy. Simply brilliant. The only problem is that neither of them can hit major league pitching. So let’s see who hits more not-shittily.

2) den Dekker has to have the edge because the Mets looooove their lowercase d-squad. deGrom won Rookie of the Year, after all. I think Wright should change his name to d-Avid.

3) Nowhere in any of this did Alderson, the Wilpons, or anyone make any mention of trying to acquire a player who has succeeded at the major league level. Clearly this is part of the Mets’ “GO blue, orange, and GREEN” environmental project, as they seemingly love recycling their trash.

4) Both Kirk and Matt have been quoted as saying, “I’d rather be in Vegas, anyway. My lucky table is hot right now!”

5) Kirk is three days older than Matt, whatever that means.

6) Matt is only batting .238 at the major league level, while Kirk is batting a muscular .241 so take that, young bull.

7) Nieuwenhuis’ name is a writer’s nightmare.

8) Kirk has more power but den Dekker is a better fielder. This is pretty much known. Collins says it’s all about hitting, so my guess is Kirk will win the job.

New Commissioner Rob Manfred Doubles Down on Collusion With Wilpons

When news broke that Fred Wilpon would be head of the league’s finance committee, I immediately wrote about it:

Manfred has now responded, saying he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND why I am critical of this move. Derrrrr he doesn’t understand derrr. He says, “the committee mostly deals with executive compensation and budget reviews. Issues dealing with possible fraud or inconsistencies in financial statements are handled by a separate group.”

Oh ok! Now I understand! So it’s totally ok now! Fred Wilpon is definitely a fraudulent, inconsistent financial manager, but it’s ok! Because frauds are dealt with by other people! So it’s ok! Because when he gets scammed or does the scamming it will fall on someone else’s shoulders! Scam away!

P.S. Rushing to the defense of Wilpon quite swiftly, valiantly, and aggressively there, aren’t ya Rob? The commissioner doth protest too much, methinks.

P.P.S. Note “executive compensation” in Manfred’s quote, aka Fred Wilpon is in charge of the billionaires-lining-the-pockets-of-billionaires committee.

Murphy and Mets Have Not Discussed a Contract Extension

Murphdawg will be a free agent after this season.

He could earn $8mil with the Mets if they agree on the extension, or he could sign a new contract with them or any other team.

Why hasn’t the front office extended an offer? I caught up with them, and got this quote:

“$8mil!? Yeah, whoa, no thanks. I know he was our lone allstar but I’ve got yachts to buy and Ponzi schemes to get caught up in. Please tell the media to hype up Dilson Herrera as much as possible so the transition will be easier on the fans.” -Fred Wilpon

Words from Hitting Coach Kevin Long

Former Yankee shithead hitting coach Kevin Long is now with the Mets. Fuck the Yankees, but man do they hit. Especially in that teeny-tiny bullshit bandbox stadium in that bullshit borough the Bronx.

Now with the Mets, Kevin Long says, “I feel pretty good about our offense…we’re going to have to push them to their limits. They’re going to have to perform – if not at their peak level – close to their peak level. There will be things I try to do that they’re uncomfortable with. … We’ll work together and, at the end of the day, if we keep on the field, get them to their peak performance or close to it, I think we can be right where we need to be.”

Translation: Oh god does our pitching look nasty this year. Pleeeease don’t suck at hitting this year. We moved the fences in for fucks sake! C’mon Grandy!

Fred Wilpon is Singing Autographs at Spring Training

Noted dork and Mets’ front office lackey Matt Cerrone made sure to snap a picture of his boss Fred Wilpon signing autographs at Spring Training.

Metsblow got a closer look at some of the signings…

“Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your face. Fred”

“I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. Fred”

“I need about tree-fiddy.”

“Freddy ‘Got Fingered’ Wilpon”

“What is this? Oh, a baseball. Fred”

Baby Jeffy Wilpon Cries About Money Spent

Metsblog writes: The Mets have spent more than $900 million on player salaries since their last playoff appearance in 2006.

WWAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHH!! Here comes the wambulance for Jeffy Wilpon. “We spent the munny! Too much munny! WAAAAHHH! No more munny! See we twied! We twied! We spent the munny! It doesn’t wok! No wok! Spend munny bad! Now no spend munny good! Waaaah!!

Fuck you. It’s not spending that’s wrong. It’s your complete ineptitude at how you spend it. Fuck your whole family. Fuck your silver spoon mouth, your delusions, and your mom.

Cold Stove Report: Mets Will Not Sign Phil Coke

Metsblog wrote that we won’t be signing Phil Coke. Such news!

I love how the Jewbrass has Metsblog write these articles so it LOOKS like they’re trying. “Oh, see! We were close to a deal! We tried to spend money! That’s why there’s an article on it!”

The reality: Alderson picked up a phone, called Coke’s agent, made a ridiculous Jew lowball offer, and they hung up on us. Mets’ Cold Stove.