Mets Still Snoozin’


I was wrong when I said the Mets’ late inning almost-comeback meant they were going to shake the jet lag. Sue me. Wrong once. Whatever. Fuck you. I didn’t realize they were facing a lefty tonight. I didn’t check the probables because I knew Thor was going and I penciled in a W.

Thor was prettay, prettay good. Im impressed with how quickly he’s fixing his slow delivery. I’m not gonna address that, really. We got shutout. That’s pathetic. What the fuck was Teufel thinking sending Dru on that Flores double? It actually WORKED, though. The Mets pulled a Royals aka a Kit Keller and said, “I’m running when it’s retarded to run but I don’t think you’ll make the play.” And guess what–Norris (Padres C) dropped the ball! The ump, being the retard that he is, called Dru out before seeing that Norris dropped the ball. For some reason, he didn’t change the call when the ball was clearly loose. Aaaaand for some reason, Dru never touched home plate. Touch the fucking base, holmes. Had he, I think the call gets overturned. But knowing the retarded umps at base camp, that’s hard to say. So congrats to everyone involved in that play. You are all special. 

I actually do know what Tim Teufel was thinking there. He knew Rivera and then Thor (even though it would’ve been a PH) were coming up. Pray for TDA. When he’s healthy, the lineup has no holes. 

Jet Laaaaaag


Well, I called it. The Mets (other than Grandy) looked like absolute shit. Dog tired and spaced out.

However, there’s good news, as it only lasted them about 7 innings or so. They weren’t no-hit, or even shutout by the end of it. I think they shook it off too little too late for that game, but in time for tonight. 

San Diego also has some kind of Mets kryptonite, huh? We have the worst record of any team in Petco, and let’s not forget what SD did to us last season in that fateful thunderstorm. 

Sidenote: Ron Darling once struck out Tony Gwynn 3 times in 1 game. Now THAT’s kryptonite.

Other sidenote: Apparently Tony Gwynn, despite being an incredible athlete, was not a natural in the outfield. He trained countless hours at it and rose from what the scouts called “sub par D” to a gold glove winner. Now that is some inspiring shit. Alright, time to move 3 feet from my computer to my TV to watch this game. That should cover my exercise for the day. 

Postblow: Thor Forgot His Hammer

Padres 7, Mets 2

Out of 1st place. Oooooh so disappointing. I really thought we were gonna put a stranglehold on it and never let it go.

In the preblow–which went unpublished because I didn’t finish it in time whatever fuck you do you know who I am!? I’m Mr. Metsblow dammit! I do what I want! Whateva, whateva–I asked the questions, “How many times do you think the phrase ‘Vintage Kennedy’ will be uttered tonight? O/U is 40. How many runs will the Mets score? O/U is 2.5” and I took the OVER and the UNDER, respectively.

Well, I split, because “vintage Kennedy” was only said about 35 times. The man with a 7+ ERA this season mowed us down. I know, I know, I didn’t publish the preblow, but again, whatever. Metsblowers know the deal. They know these predictions are real. They know how much the Mets FUCKING BLOW.

Thor got shelled. He’ll bounce back. Good to give the kid a little adversity.

Flores made a great, leaping grab that should’ve been a double play, but as Flores landed and went to toss the ball to 2nd, Murph was celebrating like a goon instead of covering the base. Murphalicious!

Also, in yesterday’s Mets news and Metsblow news from over a month ago, David Wright is dead. No timetable. No return. Dunzo. Duuuuhhhhh. Thanks for finally not lying to us, Mets news. It only took a month of lies, whereas y’all lied about Reyes for an entire season. Thanks for the transparency.

Also, the Mets shill fuck from WFAN* (not Howie, I love Howie, it was some other guy). said that Zobrist would “not be a good fit” for the Mets. WHAATT!?!!? How fucking widespread is the Jew disease in Mets land?! The only possibly explanation for anyone saying that is that Zobrist will cost money, and therefore wouldn’t be a good fit with the avaricious, covetous demon soul Jews that run the team.

Oh, wait, I thought of another reason why Zobrist wouldn’t fit. Maybe this is what the radio dweeb meant: You see, Zobrist is a good player. He stays healthy, he hits well, he fields well, and he’s a smart baseball player. That kind of player just wouldn’t be a good fit with this team.¬†Ooooh, now I understand.

*Yes I still call it WFAN. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t like change!! Except for change in ownership.

Postblow: Mets Win But Can’t Have Nice Things

Cool, calm, collected, and a tweaked hip
Cool, calm, collected, and a tweaked hip

Mets 7, Padres 0

The Nats game was rained out. The Mets won and are now tied for 1st place. Whooooo cares? NL LEEEEEEAAAASSSTT. Doodoo division.

On the 3-year anniversary of NOHAN (*swoon*), deGrom was almost as good, perhaps better in certain ways. Eight shutout innings. He faced 25 batters on route to recording 24 outs. But he got hurt (more on that later in the postblow). deGrom also looked great fielding his position. He’s the best infielder on the team by far. By the way, if deGrom throws a no-no, will they call it neGrom?

Ruben continues to blaaast. If he’s found a home in the 2-hole, chooo. Put him at SS for the rest of the season. Flores 2b, Murph 3b. Honestly, he’s lacing it. I don’t care. He’s been endearing me ever since I heard his electric theme music (Na De Na Ruby Rube Tejada) for the first time. I don’t think he even uses that song anymore, which is fine, because he clearly couldn’t hit for shit with that one. Bottom line: I don’t care. The Mets front office called him “lazy” a few years ago. Warranted? Racist? I don’t know. I just know he’s hitting now. I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. I’m all in on Team Tejada. I have been for a while. He’s hitting. His ABs aren’t boring. It’s a story. I don’t care. He’s the 4th best hitter on the team (behind Duda, Syndergaard, and Tolo). He’s roping it. “Ruben + Murph” could be a fun cat + dog show on Nickelodeon.

Here’s an important question: How hurt is Lagares? Kinda hurt? Or does he need TJ? Lagares and Cuddyer colliding at the very beginning of May. Juanny Beisbol was hitting .297 at the time. Since then, he has hit .211 and his arm has looked less-than-stellar. His arm’s dead. He’s also missed a couple balls out there. He still looks great on D, but he’s only been a 9.5 out there, unlike¬†last year, when he was an 11. He’s hurt. We need about 2.5 more outfielders.

Here’s why we can’t have nice things: We won last night’s game 7-0. But what is the real story? The real story is that deGrom tweaked his hip and Duda didn’t even play because of a stiff (dead) knee. First good game in a while? NOPE! Two major injuries.

Padres sign James Shields

It’s amazing that the Padres got big game James. They already got Matt Kemp, Justin Upton, and more.

They obviously didn’t get the memo that the Mets got. It read, “NL teams: please, one trade or FA signing only. If you had a losing record last year, you’re not allowed to make improvements to multiple positions.”

The Padres have implemented an innovative strategy: “Get more talent.” The Mets disagree.