Happy Birthday From Bobby Bonilla

Sweet bobblehead.
Sweet bobblehead.

Today is my birthday. And what a glorious birthday present from the Mets! Every year on my birthday, the generous, caring Wilpons give 1.2 million dollars to Bobby Bonilla. Thank you, Jeff!

So instead of paying that lump sum in 1999, the Mets decided to defer payment over a few decades. They figured, “hey great, now we can save this money and give it to Madoff!”

P.S. I just want to let everyone know that I am not blaming or insulting Bobby Bo one iota. I’m happy for him. In the business where the stars are treated like circus elephants, Bonilla took advantage of a retarded, cheap, short sighted owner and found a way to get himself income for 35 years. A 1.2 million dollar payday (I believe that raise started in 2011) is pretty damn sweet.

Seriously, What the Fuck Are We Going To Do?

The face of an owner who has really got his shit together, right?
The face of an owner who has really got his shit together, right?

The Mets currently have 4 aces and are still blowing hard dick. Bring up Matz and it’s 5 aces. HOORAY! Now we can lose 1-0 or 2-1 EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!

I know the box score says that deGrom blew it. Same with Tolo. BUT IT IS NOT TRUE. The fundies, dammit! ON BOTH SIDES! We can’t field bunts and we can’t lay them down. It’s embarrassing to watch. It’s disgusting. Even Collins–yes I know he has a scrub lineup–is to blame. You have to teach this shit.

Are we 1 month away from Conforto? He’s raking. How do we make room for him? Well, Lagares needs TJ. OOPS! So that solves that. Also Cuddy will be hurt soon. Lock.

Nimmo is back from the DL. So Conforto and Nimmo are the answers? We’re going to go ALL-IN on guys that have zero ML ABs?! We have a 3-year window with these aces.

Wheeler won’t be back until the All-Star Break anyway. You need a bat. You need two. We completely fucked up by not trading Tolo when he was 5-0 and had value. Now he’s worthless again. The best chance we have is Montero getting healthy and rocking it for a month and then dishing him.

Hell, Conforto and Nimmo are doomed, anyway. The Mets will mismanage their injuries and hail them as saviors with impossible expectations and they’ll be hurt and done by June.

Gee is gone. We gave Logan Verrett his number. Opening starter 2014. Nothing to show for it. METSBLOW! Gee will probably get picked up by the Cubs and the Cubs will win the 2nd Wildcard over us.

The Cubs are smart. Theo (GM) won’t give up Addison Russell for less than Matz AND Thor. WOOF! We’re sitting here scoring 0.000 runs/gm and Theo knows it. And he’s barking. And Sandy’s peeing his pants.

Herrera will replace Murph. Murph gonna walk. 100% lock. We’ll get nothing for him.

We won’t spend a dime. JEW COVETOUSNESS. We let Reyes walk!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

We made a hard pass on Uribe. “WHY WOULD WE NEED A GUY BATTING .290!?” -Alderson

I have 2 solutions:

1) Go get an impact bat. You have to. Go and do it. Either bring Conforto up or convince the Cubs somehow to get us Soler and/or Baez (he’s hurt, might be a discount).

2) Jeff Wilpon should kill himself. Go ahead and kill yourself.

Why Aren’t We Hearing About Lucas Duda?

Talk about burying the lede…Mets’ official blogs (Metsblog, ESPN NY Mets, etc…all the ones that are paid off by the Wilpons to be subservient, good little media lackeys) are NOT ALLOWED to talk about Lucas Duda.

Well, they are allowed to talk about him a little bit. They’re allowed to talk about the positive things, like how he’s really slugging the ball off the batting tee.

They’re not allowed to talk about Duda beyond a certain character length (probably the length of a tweet), and they’re not allowed to use certain words such as “setback” and “problematic.”

Way to try and hide this one, Mets. But here at Metsblow we know better. I desperately hope Duda gets healthy, but the Mets will spend the money to cover up the injury rather than on a doctor that can help.

Fred Wilpon is Singing Autographs at Spring Training

Noted dork and Mets’ front office lackey Matt Cerrone made sure to snap a picture of his boss Fred Wilpon signing autographs at Spring Training.

Metsblow got a closer look at some of the signings…

“Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your face. Fred”

“I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. Fred”

“I need about tree-fiddy.”

“Freddy ‘Got Fingered’ Wilpon”

“What is this? Oh, a baseball. Fred”

Baby Jeffy Wilpon Cries About Money Spent

Metsblog writes: The Mets have spent more than $900 million on player salaries since their last playoff appearance in 2006.

WWAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHH!! Here comes the wambulance for Jeffy Wilpon. “We spent the munny! Too much munny! WAAAAHHH! No more munny! See we twied! We twied! We spent the munny! It doesn’t wok! No wok! Spend munny bad! Now no spend munny good! Waaaah!!

Fuck you. It’s not spending that’s wrong. It’s your complete ineptitude at how you spend it. Fuck your whole family. Fuck your silver spoon mouth, your delusions, and your mom.

Hot Take from Metsblog: Sandy Alderson Will Be Disappointed if the Mets Don’t Make the Playoffs

Wow, great headline there Metsblog!

Also, kids are disappointed when they find out Santa isn’t real.

I won’t be that disappointed since my expectations are low. Why would we, a 79-win team that hasn’t improved in the offseason be disappointed that we don’t make the playoffs? I mean hell, if we win 85 games this year, that’d be nice, but is that even a playoff team? I doubt it.

Sandy Alderson also said, “We don’t have an All-Star at every position, but we don’t have gaping holes either.” Just then, Wilmer Flores and Ruben Tejada came poking out of the dugout, only to be swatted away by brooms and sprayed with water as they hissed and retreated.

Speaking of gaping holes, how bout owner? There’s a position with a huge gaping hole. HUGE. GAPING. HOLE. Actually, it’s more that we (the fans) are the ones with the huge gaping holes. Hey Sandy, hey Jeffy: at least take us to dinner first.