Preblow: deGrom deStopper

degrommrmet

The Mets return home–where we are mysteriously 10-0–to face the Nats for 4 games. We’ve lost 2 in a row, and the very foundation of our team is that our pitching is SO GOOD, that we’ll NEVER have a real losing streak. That’s on you tonight, Jacob.

This series is a chance for us to truly prove ourselves. This series is a chance to put real distance between us and the supposed best team in the division (and in all of baseball, as many predicted). This series is also a chance for the Nats to prove that they are who they thought they are, and that we are who they thought we are. We’ll see. We’ve got deGrom and Harvey going against Strasburg and Scherzer, respectively. You can’t ask for better matchups than that.

Also, Montero is dead. 15 day DL? Oh it’s nothing, says the Mets media. Wake the fuck up, people. It’s April, and everyone is dead. We’re on pace to have 70+ injuries this year. We are PLAGUED. We are CURSED. Oh, and I guess we’re on pace for 100+ wins, har har.

Postblow: Sell! Sell! Sell!

Mets stock is plummeting at a FANTASTIC speed.
Mets stock is plummeting at a FANTASTIC speed.

Fish 7, Mets 3. We lose the series and go 2-4 on the road trip. Keith went 3-3 with the Latina hunnies in South Beach. “Yo soy Keith Hernandez.”

“Sell! Sell! Sell!” is first and foremost a demand to the Wilpons. That’ll never happen. So instead, the headline refers to what we should be doing as Mets fans. Yup, that’s right, we’re done.

Let’s recap:

~I love you Tolo, but you need to stop trying to pitch through Stanton. That was a fucking BOMB. The Mets spotted you a 2-run lead in the first. You blew it. You know these Mets. It’s a CGSO or bust if you want to get a W.

~Happy Birthday Gary! I noticed Keith stuck his fingers in your cake. So ballin.

~Latos getting hurt running the bases was a blessing in disguise for the Fish, as we were socking him (by our standards). their mediocre-at-best bullpen mowed us the fuck down. Walk the leadoff man? No problemo, double play coming up!

~At one point, Curtis Granderson grounded out on a 3-0 pitch. Hey, how’s Nelson Cruz doing?

~OK, one thing I can’t blame on the Mets: With the game tied at 3, the Marlins hit a double. The runner would ultimately come around to score the go-ahead-for-good run. However, the double was actually a foul ball. It wasn’t really close. It’s unfathomable that you can’t challenge foul balls.

-For more on this, I talked to Bud Selig. He responded, “Listen, we simply don’t ahve the technology to see if that was fair or foul. That would require some kind of device that would play the hit over again. Some kind of re-do of the play on a camera. We’d have to see it in an instant. The technology just doesn’t exist.”

~Later in the game, the Mets would win a challenge. The original call (out at 1st) was so blatantly wrong that it had me screaming for robot ump implementation.

~Hansel, who’s so hot right now, made Stanton look foolish to retire the side with runners in scoring position. Teams should worry about him as much as they worry about Gretel.  Terry left him in for the next inning and he promptly sucked up the joint. I’m not sure what to make of it. He’s got to be able to handle multiple innings.

~Murphy and Flores both made errors today, though only Flores was charged. Murphy should’ve been charged for dropping a ball on a throw from Plawecki that likely would’ve gotten the runner out. Instead, he got the steal. The middle-infield also failed to turn a DP before Stanton’s dinger in the 1st. Oopsie.

~I don’t blame Bighat Torres for the 3-run dinger that iced the game. Great AB from the great Ichiro. I don’t want this to happen, but if a comebacker smacked Bighat right in the hat and it didn’t hurt and he still made the out, does the big hat become mandate?

-“Whoa, whoa, whoa, there Mr. Metsblow! Slow down! New hats? We’ve still got to work on this newfangled fair vs. foul review thing first. One decade at a time, please.” -Bud Selig

~Leathersich, in his debut, let up a double. He got bailed out when the runner overran 2nd base and was tagged out.

~The Mets scratched out just 7 hits. They didn’t score after the 3rd inning. We simply can’t hit. The losses of Wright and d’Arnaud have really shown that we have coy pond depth*. Tejada, Kirk, Recker, Cuddy, Grandy…these guys don’t hit. Yeah, Cuddy hit a dinger today. So what? We don’t score runs. We don’t hit. I started Metsblow to shit on the Wilpons because #fuckthewilpons I fucking hate them. I hate shitting on players. I see guys like Grandy and Cuddy trying their asses off and I respect the hell out of them. I hate shitting on them but they fucking blow. I know it’s not their fault, it’s simply METS disease, but it’s hard to watch.

Now, we go up against the resurgent Nationals for 4 games. They have scored 26 runs in the past 2 games. We can’t hit the shitty Marlins, so why would we hit the best pitching baseball? The only way to win will be if WE actually have the best pitching, meaning winning games 1-0.

It’s classic Mets to start hot this year. They’ll sputter and not make the playoffs, largely in part to the Wilpons not making moves/spending $ at the all-star break. “I want a new toy!!!” screams Baby Jeffy. “Whatever you want my darling son,” replies Fred. “Would you like the Tulo toy? Perhaps the CarGo toy?” “No!” shouts baby Jeffy, “I want that one!!,” whines baby Jeffy as he points to a hot dog. [Three weeks later] “It cost us every last dollar we had, and it was one hell of a rush to get this in by the trade deadline, but now Shittifield has the best damn hot dogs in town! You did a great job, Jeffy!,” said Fred.

*Breaking News: Coy pond depth gets a bit shallower as Brandon Nimmo is now dead.

Montero’s Dead

Montero is getting an MRI on his throwing (right) shoulder. Asst. GM John Ricco said it’s just precautionary.

He’s deeeeead! Oh, it’s ok, it’s just precautionary! He doesn’t have METS disease! It’s just precautionary! We’ve booked a trip to the morgue, just as a precaution. We’ve alerted his next of kin that they’re about to come into some money, just as a precaution. We’ve bought flowers, just as a precaution.

P.S. For the love of god, don’t send him to the team doctors!

P.P.S. I’d rather have dead Montero than Valverde. I can’t believe the Nats signed him. They’re panicking. I’m sure he’ll dominate our shitty lineup, but they’ve definitely hit the panic button.

Preblow: Rubber Game in Miami

Hey Montero, good game! As a reward, we’re sending you to fabulous Las Vegas!

Lefty Jack “Leatherface” Leathersich has been promoted to the team. He’s striking out everybody in the minors. We’ll see how that translates. When asked to comment, Terry Collins said, “If anyone should be called leatherface, it’s me. Look how tan I am!”

Big Sexy takes the hill tonight. He’s going for 5-0 in his first 5 starts. Wouldn’t that be something?

This is the rubber game of the series, and would also serve to salvage the road trip at .500, which is what playing on the road is all about. We’ve been roughly .500 on the road for years, while failing miserably at home. With the Mets celebrating their victories in April, I’m sure the other shoe will drop at Shittifield, but for now, and in general, it’s about winning at home and staying .500 on the road.

Run, Daniel, Run!

And from that moment on, I...was...run-ning!
“And from that moment on, I…was…run-ning!” -Daniel Murphy

Last night, with Tejada-Kirk-Recker batting 6-7-8, we never really stood a chance. The game was conceded from the get-go. However, when we desperately needed a run in the 8th, Murph lead the inning off with a double. Then, Tejada (batting 6th!!) fucked up a bunt, and the Marlins got Murphy out at 3rd.

Chastise Tejada all you want for this. I did, too. He is to blame. He is garbage. But Nelson Figueroa wants to put blame on Murphy as well. And he’s right. 100% right. Murphy made a mental mistake (he’s good for 1 each game) and should never have ran. He should’ve seen the shitty bunt, froze, and returned to 2nd.

"I just felt like running." -Daniel Murphy
“I just felt like running.” -Daniel Murphy

I won’t be surprised if Murph finishes the year batting around .280, as he has proven that he can hit. His career batting average of .288 is enough that, in the post-steroid* era, a team will pay him. The Mets certainly won’t pay him. However, this isn’t because he sucks, it’s just because they’re Jews. Even though it’s for the wrong reasons, they might be CORRECT in letting Murph go. Assuming Murph is gone and Wright is dead, I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Reynolds, Flores, and Herrera in the infield next year. I would love to see the mental-mistakes-metrics for Murph, because his boneheaded fielding and baserunning and opinions on gays have certainly cost us. C’mon Murph. Do better. It’s a contract year for fucks sake. At least the hitting is starting to come around, which is a great sign. Your extended Spring Training is now over.

*Calling 2015 baseball the “post-steroid era” is equivalent to calling today’s nation the “post-racial America.” Hey, how many people are going to the Orioles’ game tonight?

P.S. Nelson Figueroa, the Brooklyn boy, has been excellent for SNY. I wish they hadn’t jewed out on Ojeda. I’d love to have both of them in there. They’re both great. SNY really knows how to pick’em.