Let Me Quelch the Trade Hype

He needs a Mets hat...I'd photoshop it but that'd be more work than the Mets' front office has done all year.
He needs a Mets hat…I’d photoshop it but that’d be more work than the Mets’ front office has done all year.

The Mets have not activated Bobby Parnell because, “there’s something to occur in the next few days,” according to Collins.

Sycophantic Metsblog is exploding with trade hype.

Remember last year when this happened? Jeff Wilpon announced a presser, stepped up the mic, and said, “ladies and gentlemen…we have acquired…BOYS II MEEEENNNNN!!!!”

They ALSO need Mets hats.
They ALSO need Mets hats.

That actually happened. Jeff Wilpon is actually that tone deaf to his fan base. Don’t get me wrong, Boys II Men are definitely NOT tone deaf. They are soulful and cool, but Jeff legitimately thought the fanbase would be appeased by that press conference. He went back to the war room his playroom scratching his head wondering why the fanbase for a team that scores less than 3 runs/game wasn’t satisfied with his great announcement.

So what will it be this time? Will the Mets get Ryan Braun for Thor, Niese, and Montero in a blow-it-up deal? Not a fucking chance. It’s more likely that we’ll be trading George Costanza for Tyler Chicken. We’ll end up trading someone like Gee for Aramis Ramirez, which would be a terrible trade because Ramirez is garbage and the only running he’s doing is to retirement. But hey, not like we need a 3rd baseman, Wright will be back by May 15th! (*another Pinocchio picture could be placed here*)

Don’t get worked up, Metsblowers. This trade hype is doodoo. It’s all doodoo. Remember when the Mets traded Nolan Ryan away? Har har fucking har. We’re not so hot at trades.

We here at Metsblow have the best War Room money can’t buy. I am greatly appreciative for all the stats and insight that is provided to me through my war room. Today, this was brought to my attention:

Since Jose Reyes was let go, he has played in 430 games. D-Wright has played in 410.

When asked to comment on this, Jeff Wilpon said, “So you’re saying we should’ve let BOTH walk? I understand.” Nice one, Jeffy, you jew fuck asshole.

It’s funny how Jewness is such a debilitating disease. The short-sighted cheapness actually creates much larger money problems down the road. It’s like saying, “Oh, I don’t want to spend $500 on a lawyer, so I’ll just handle the case myself,” only to end up having the judge declare against you, and you lose hundreds of thousands as a result of your penny pinching.

Alderson and the rest of ’em will continue to play wait-and-see with Wright. They will continue to pinch the pennies. They will continue to be the Mets.

“Let’s see if Soup and Recker can get it going before making any rash decisions. No need to panic. Wright will be back by May 15th. And there’s no way any of our other key pieces–like Daniel Murphy or Juan Lagares–will get hurt. And besides, we’ve got Herrera and Kirk to sub in if we need them to.” -Sandy Alderson on May 10th.

P.S. We’ll see Reyes (and The Dickpiece) next week. We should be comfortably in 3rd place by then.

Citi Perks = Mets Opening Up a Casino

Gambling! Casino! Gamble! Gamble! Drink! Tits! Tits! Gamble! Money! Mets! Tickets! Gamble! Gamble!! ...please gamble responsibly.
Gambling! Casino! Gamble! Gamble! Drink! Tits! Tits! Gamble! Money! Mets! Tickets! Gamble! Gamble!!
…please gamble responsibly.

So obviously the Mets moved their AAA team from Norfolk, VA (where David Wright and Michael Cuddyer grew up) to Las Vegas, NV because of gambling. That’s cool. I get it. You want your young, promising athletes to get used the bright lights, p-tutes, and losing all their money in some Mets-related fiasco.

But now, Shittifield and the Mets are straight up running a lottery scam. In a transparent move to sell more tickets, the Mets have started “Citi Perks.” Basically, Shittiperks means you buy tickets, and maybe you’ll win some kind of lottery. Some kid got to throw out the first pitch the other day, which is a cool perk. So is winning the lotto. It’s a great perk.

The lotto costs $1 and you can win millions. The odds are astronomically against you. The Shittiperks lotto, I imagine, is pretty stacked against you, but at least you get a ticket to see at least one Mets player get injured.

The worst part? The lackeys at Metsblog are pitching it hard: Mets fans certainly have a lot to be excited about when coming out to Citi Field these days, and now thanks to Citi, there are sure to be a few more surprises coming their way. 

Thanks, Metsblog. They are surely the bipartisan journalists that we need. Knowing the Jewpons, I can’t imagine they paid you that much to sell your journalistic integrity. I hope it was worth it, you fucking lackeys.

P.S. They should be taking bets on who gets injured next. The way Duda is raking, it’s likely him. Mets fans aren’t supposed to have such nice things.

Metsblog Jinxes The Mets Again

Who's that Pokemon? It's Jynx! Who's that retarded, lackey blog? It's Metsblog!
Who’s that Pokemon? It’s Jynx! Who’s that retarded, lackey blog? It’s Metsblog!

Metsblog, about an hour or two before Matt Harvey took the hill on Tuesday, reported: HEY! Harvey has the longest home-run-drought streak of any pitcher! HEY! Everyone! Harvey! No dingers! WOOOT! As we all remember, Harvey let up a 1st inning dinger to Chase Utley.

Today, Metsblog has done it again. In regards to Dillon Gee, tonight’s starter, they report: He’s gone at least five innings in 47 straight starts, the longest active streak in the majors.

This is classic Metsblog. Classic idiot Cerrone not knowing the game of baseball at all. He just doesn’t understand baseball. He’s not a part of it. Like nearly everyone else in the media, he’s just a pawn. He’s a bitch/lackey/writer first, and baseball fan/player second.

Metsblog went on to say: Hey, and Gee has NEVER NOPE NOT ONCE EVER been jinxed by a stat posted on our site! Never!

Matt Cerrone is the kind of guy to go up to a pitcher after the 6th inning–when he’s all alone and everyone else is on the opposite side of the dugout–to say, “Hey! You’ve got a perfect game going! Wow! There haven’t been many of those in all of history! This could be historic! You only need 9 more outs! Perfect game in the making wow you’re doing so well so far!!”

Matt Cerrone Blows; Eats Dog Doo

Matt Cerrone, the Metsblog douche lackey of the Wilpons, just wrote, “It’s worth noting that actual Mets fans will be in the stands, enjoying the show.” This is in reference to all the #HarveyDays that are coming up.

In the words of Leo DiCaprio, “you two-faced faggot!” You sycophantic, brown-nosing, boot-licking, doormat puppet domesticated cornball bitch. Wipe baby Jeffy’s bottom and kiss it. Tell him how yummy his baby farts smell.

Fuck you. Don’t ever talk to me about real fans–about “actual” fans. Don’t ever tell me what to do. Don’t ever tell me to give the Wilpons a god damn cent of my money. Are you gonna buy tickets for all the actual fans? Fuck you. How dare you imply that you’re even a Mets fan.

P.S. The cable company monopoly on sports is bullshit, too. I pay nearly $200/month just so I can have SNY. Girls don’t have cable TV anymore. They should offer an a la carte/dim sum kinda menu.

Cold Stove Report: Mets Will Not Sign Phil Coke

Metsblog wrote that we won’t be signing Phil Coke. Such news!

I love how the Jewbrass has Metsblog write these articles so it LOOKS like they’re trying. “Oh, see! We were close to a deal! We tried to spend money! That’s why there’s an article on it!”

The reality: Alderson picked up a phone, called Coke’s agent, made a ridiculous Jew lowball offer, and they hung up on us. Mets’ Cold Stove.

Metsblog Goes Full Retard; Lauds Alderson For Standing Pat at SS

Brian P. Mangan, come on down!! You’re the next contest on, “Who Wants to Be the Next Lapdog Bitch for the Wilpons?!”

What a schmuck you are, dude. Go fuck yourself. No Rusney Castillo? No Kang? No Cabrera for barely any money that even these Jews can open their purses for? No anybody? So if Murph gets hurt it’s Flores + Tejada up the middle?

Fuck you, Brian. Fuck you, Metsblog. I hope the Wilpons gave you a second helping of mush for this one.

Hot Take from Metsblog: Sandy Alderson Will Be Disappointed if the Mets Don’t Make the Playoffs

Wow, great headline there Metsblog!

Also, kids are disappointed when they find out Santa isn’t real.

I won’t be that disappointed since my expectations are low. Why would we, a 79-win team that hasn’t improved in the offseason be disappointed that we don’t make the playoffs? I mean hell, if we win 85 games this year, that’d be nice, but is that even a playoff team? I doubt it.

Sandy Alderson also said, “We don’t have an All-Star at every position, but we don’t have gaping holes either.” Just then, Wilmer Flores and Ruben Tejada came poking out of the dugout, only to be swatted away by brooms and sprayed with water as they hissed and retreated.

Speaking of gaping holes, how bout owner? There’s a position with a huge gaping hole. HUGE. GAPING. HOLE. Actually, it’s more that we (the fans) are the ones with the huge gaping holes. Hey Sandy, hey Jeffy: at least take us to dinner first.

Why has Sandy Alderson made so few big-league trades?

Over on Metsblog, this question was asked.

Here is Matt Cerrone’s response: Interesting, yes, but also kind of meaningless without context…I don’t think we have enough information yet…I agree, they’re not off to an impressive start in terms of acquiring big-league talent, but I can’t say with certainly why that is…

Nice question dodging, Matt! Very deft! Very PR-savvy! Bullets are flying by you like in the Matrix. I know the Mets pay you for these puppet minion answers, but knowing the Mets it can’t be THAT much.

Here is the real answer: Beacuse the Wilpons are cheap Jew fucks. They own a New York City team on a Monrovian budget and it compromises every faction of the franchise.