Baby Jeffy Wilpon Cries About Money Spent

Metsblog writes: The Mets have spent more than $900 million on player salaries since their last playoff appearance in 2006.

WWAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHH!! Here comes the wambulance for Jeffy Wilpon. “We spent the munny! Too much munny! WAAAAHHH! No more munny! See we twied! We twied! We spent the munny! It doesn’t wok! No wok! Spend munny bad! Now no spend munny good! Waaaah!!

Fuck you. It’s not spending that’s wrong. It’s your complete ineptitude at how you spend it. Fuck your whole family. Fuck your silver spoon mouth, your delusions, and your mom.

Cold Stove Report: Mets Will Not Sign Phil Coke

Metsblog wrote that we won’t be signing Phil Coke. Such news!

I love how the Jewbrass has Metsblog write these articles so it LOOKS like they’re trying. “Oh, see! We were close to a deal! We tried to spend money! That’s why there’s an article on it!”

The reality: Alderson picked up a phone, called Coke’s agent, made a ridiculous Jew lowball offer, and they hung up on us. Mets’ Cold Stove.

Bobby Parnell’s Plans

Bobby Parnell plans to:

~pitch his guts out

~Get his bonus

~blow out his arm forever

They’ll never gift the job to Mejia, because young bull saves = mo’ $. Choooo. About 2mil more if he’s the full-time closer. 2 mil!? 2 MIL!!!?? Good god. The Wilpons have a vivarium to feed. He’s gotta STOMP IT OUT! all season to win the job.

Mets and the Ever-Elusive Signing of Anyone

The cheap Jew bastards are at it again…

The Mets are reportedly talking with LH reliever Joe Thatcher.

The report failed to mention that the conversation was:

Joe: Hello, this is Joe Thatcher.

Sandy: Oooh I’m sorry I must have the wrong number.

Or, this:

Joe: Hello, this is Joe Thatcher.

Sandy: So are you going to the Yankees or the Astros?

See Mets fans!? They’re talking! The reports are accurate! Seeeee?

After this “story” broke, the Mets Jewbrass came out and said that we should mitigate our expectations for Joe Thatcher.

MITIGATE! FOR JOE THATCHER! Not Tulo. Not Moncada. Joe fucking Thatcher. Good God, I don’t know if I can mitigate any further than the negative space where my expectations already reside.

Matt Harvey writes an article that says he’s hungry as fuck. The fans are hungry as fuck. GIVE US SOMETHING YOU FUCKING JEWS!! And I’m not talking about signing for the sake of signing. I’m talking about the fact that we need a shortstop, a lefty arm, and that deGrom and Harvey are our 4th and 5th best hitters.

Ron Darling Will Call Some Spring Training Games

Ron Darling will handle the play-by-play for a few Spring Training games. Keith will be the color analyst.

Love it. Love Ronnie. Love RJ (I hear Keith call him this sometimes…it’s for Ron Jr. haha). The truth is that Gary, Keith, & Ron are the best thing that the Mets have. There’s no question about it. If Gary wants to take a few Spring Training games off, that’s totally fine with me. Nobody has earned it more than him. Gary, Keith, & Ron: the only part of the Mets worth watching/listening/paying attention to.