The Mets Didn’t Take Juan Uribe Because of a “Logjam” at 3B

Just look at all these 3rd basemen!
Just look at all these 3rd basemen!

During the offseason, I blogged/begged for the Mets to get a 3rd baseman. I said that Wright would likely die this year (he did), and even if he didn’t, we’d be forced to watch Soup every 4th day because even a healthy Wright (which will never exist again and hasn’t existed since 2010) could only play 120 or so games.

The rumor mill is now swirling that the Dodgers offered Juan Uribe for Dillon Gee and the Mets declined. Alderson apparently was quoted as saying that the Mets have a “logjam” at 3B.

So there are two theories about this quote:

1) YOU DUMB STUPID IDIOT! YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!!! IDIOT!! IDIOT!!! Are you fucking kidding me? You took ol’ Slim-Spine and Soup and called that a fucking logjam!? Were you referring to Daniel “let’s let him walk after this season” Murphy as well? What the fuck are you talking about!? Logjam!? We have ZERO third basemen!!!

2) JEWS! SNAKE JEWS!! YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCKING SNAKE JEWS!!! Juan Uribe oooooh no he’s making 7 figures! SEVEN! We can’t afford seven figures!! Holy shit, 7 figures!? Jesus Jew Christ, at that price, we’ll barely be able to support our future criminal endeavors in the investment banking underworld. Cut us some fucking kosher slack, here. 7 figures!? For a proven veteran? Get outta town. Oy vey.

Just for the record, Uribe would have the highest BA on the team. Eh, who are we kidding, we’d screw with his stretching regiment and land him on the DL anyway.

A Translation of Sandy Alderson’s Quote on Why the Mets Will Not Be Signing Yoan Moncada

Sandy Alderson carefully, diplomatically tip-toed and explained why the Mets will not be signing the next great Cuban ballplayer. He talked about investment strategies, international pools, taxes, and limitations with Amed Rosario, among other things.

You can read his exact quote anywhere. However, only Metsblow has the quote from his inner-voice:

“OUR OWNERS ARE CHEAP FUCKING JEWS!”

That’s all. Oh, and in future news: Moncada is raking with the Yankees.

Jew Alert! Jew Alert! Mets players paying out of pocket for offseason workouts?!

Adam Rubin (ESPN New York) and Mets’ strength coach Mike Barwis have apparently confirmed this.

When I read this, I honestly thought I was reading one of my own satire pieces here at Metsblow. I can’t believe it. Is this real? Where am I?

This really is the beauty of Metsblow. The articles write themselves. Thanks Jeffy! Keep doing you, you fucking Jew snake bastard.