Cespedes Injured 1 Day After Being Activated and I’m Dead From the Lolz

achilles.jpg
[Footage of Yo’s foot]
I’m ded. Legit ded from the lolz. Is this the most Metsian thing of all time? Ray Ramirez’s ghost also re-deaded from the lolz? Truly hilarious.

Cespedes came back from the DL yesterday, hit a (Yankee Stadium baby bitch) dinger, said, “my heels kinda hurt,” and OOPS he’s out for 10 months. Surgery time! No joke, Callaway said, “I didn’t know he said that” when asked about it. Real quote. The awareness!

Perhaps even funnier: he might not get the surgery right away. The Mets might opt to have him play. UNFUCKINGREAL. Because we’re so competitive this year? I dunno what the fuck will happen from here but let me take some wild guesses: 1) the Mets will fuck this up worse and Cespedes will never be healthy as a Met ever again, and 2) the Mets will lose a shitload of games. Whoa, call me Nostradamus.

P.S. I can hit a home run in Yankee baby bitch stadium. Lock. It’s the dumbest stadium ever. Wes Mantooth is assuredly pissed and wants the Yankees to stop hiding behind those phony numbers. Remember when Grandy hit like 50 dingers there? Yeesh. Judge and Stanton not having 80 each is sad for them.

The Mets Haven’t Lost in 4 Days

The answer my friend, is blowin in the wind

Welcome to the 2nd half of what many are calling the greatest Mets season since 1962. Will we lose 100 games? Could we be more lovable? I say yes to the first, no to the second. I love this team. Absolutely fucking love it. From where there was once pain, now there is only emptiness. And that emptiness is mystical. Do you know how much it would suck if I cared? What’s that stage of torture called when you stop feeling it? Did I make that up? After all your appendages are cut off, there’s nothing left to cut. Feels great!

So are the Mets gonna trade deGrom? Well, why do what the Cubs and Astros did? It’s not like blowing up the team and rebuilding worked for them. I mean, they barely each won a world series. BARELY. Took both of em 7 games. Pathetic.

So the Jewpons can’t see into the future but can they see the present? Their argument of, “we can’t trade deGrom because he’s the only player that puts asses in the seats and we’re still crippled from Madoff and we need to make money this season” is inaccurate, right? I wouldn’t know, but are people really going to games? People go to deGrom games? I feel like real deGrom fans should want him traded. I sure do. He deserves so much better. I love deGrom. He’s got the stuff and he’s a fuckin role model. Genuine. Wonderful. Way too fucking good for this team.┬áHopefully he doesn’t go to the Yankees but they’ve got plenty of farm talent. deGrom for Gaybar and some prospects. Gotta do it, right? I hear he might go to the Cubs. WHATEVER. It doesn’t matter. Even if he is Sandy Koufax good (he is), he’s still completely apexing RIGHT NOW. His value will never be higher and our need will never be bigger. Scratch that, we’ll always need something because we’ll always blow.

Scratch this whole article. Even if we get Gaybar or ANYONE, it doesn’t matter. We’ll screw it up. Any great farm talent will be taken out back and shot in due time. Nothing will change until the Jewpons’ horns are shaved and their throats cut. Not caring is great. Why is anyone going to the games? The best way to stick it to the owners is to boycott.

P.S. I hear Yo is back. TIME TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND!! We’re only about 70 games out with 70 games left!

P.P.S. How the fuck has Familia not been traded yet?

P.P.P.S. The Mets play the Yankees this weekend. Welcome to our World Series 2018. Thor & deGrom pitch this series. Let’s see how we blow it for em.

P.P.P.P.S. How many Jewpons does it take to trade deGrom and give the Mets a fighting chance in 2020? The answer is 2. 2 to die in the Holocaust and then give sole ownership rights to me so I can make the damn trade.

The Mets Didn’t Trade Harvey for Arenado

pjimage
Ooooops!

So obviously the ship has been completely straightened out after beating the worst team in the majors by 1 run last night and hitting a few dingdongs in the smallest park outside of baby bitch Yankee Stadium. But still, we need to address this past weekend:

Nolan Arenado and the Rockies swept the Mets in Queens (after the Mets had already lost about fifty in a row). Arenado hit about 8 home runs and made slick play after slick play. He was the star of the weekend while Matt Harvey got DFA’d. For those unfamiliar with the term, DFA stands for “Designated For Assignment” which is a nice way of saying that he got cut. DFA also stands for Double Fucked Anally, which is also apt. DFA aaalllso stands for Dairy Farmers of America, which wouldn’t normally be relevant except for the fact that Cespedes has a farm because he’s a boss like that.

Somewhere around 3~4 years ago, when #HarveyDay was reminding people of Doc Gooden, Nolan Arenado was being shopped around by the Rockies. Would a direct 1-for-1 trade have happened? Probably. Would a package deal involving Harvey and a couple of scrubs like D’Arnaud have happened? Definitely. I remember being bombarded by hopeful Mets fans (sad) after I said we should trade him. “BUT WAIT! Harvey is the CHOSEN ONE! Can’t do it!” What team do you even root for? Even the Mets’ brass themselves mentioned that there was no need for a 3rd baseman. Ah, of course! We have David Wright! 3rd base is FULL!!! Cut to 2018, Arenado has led the majors in awesomeness for the past 3 years (check the stats…he’s got more ribeyes than anyone, and that’s just the start of it) while Harvey has been cut (still reminding us of Doc Gooden!), Wright has been dead forever, and the rest of us have all been DFA’d over and over again. Meet the Mets! Greet the Mets! One helluva history of could’ve-beens with guys named Nolan.

P.S. The Mets are fully to blame for all of this. Doc Gooden–at 19 years old–was given the keys to the fucking NYC castle. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Then the Jew media spun things to make it look like Doc was some asshole who hurt his teammates and hurt himself. This city swallows people up! Fast forward to now, and it’s the same fucking thing. Maybe take some fucking accountability for your stud young players. They’re kids blowing the fuck up waaay too quickly in the fastest city in the world. It’s not on them. Help them grow one time for me. See the pattern. Or better yet, trade them.

P.P.S. If we’re really gonna come full circle with the Doc Gooden analogy, get ready for Harvey to throw a no-hitter in pinstripes next year. Sad for my team and me.

Best Start in Franchise History? Let’s Celebrate Like We Won the World Series!

jump
Hooray! We did it! We won the championship!

9-1! 9-1! End the fucking season before everyone gets hurt! Give us the trophyyyy!!

Has anyone here in Metsie LaLa Dicksuck Land read The Tortoise & The Hare? Has anyone here read the Mets’ unabridged franchise history? Has anyone here read a book? Ever? A fucking book with words? It doesn’t seem like anyone has, because everyone’s acting like a fucking illiterate Mexican retard. (Sorry, Keith).

9-1 ain’t shit, you fucks. Yeah, it’s better than 1-9. Sure. Great. Grand. Wonderful. Callaway is swingin’ dick. I like it. Yo is playing through a fever. I love it. Conforto is one swing away from ripping his shoulder out. Ya gotta love it.

Hey guys, we’re in first place less than 1/16th of the way through the season. Let’s sip some fucking mai tais and ball the fuck out because THIS. SHIT. IS. IN. THE. BAG! To be fair, the team looks gritty and focused. This is more a knock on the fans. What fucking franchise do you follow!? Oh my god, people love hype. People LOOOOOVE hype. The crazy mob mentality is maddening. This is how Madison Av controls your fucking mind. They build a fever pitch out of nothing, get you all screaming for some bullshit, then you buy the product or burn the witch or do whatever it is your feeble fucking brains are being told to do, and then they push something new on you. Right now, the Mets are hot. Yes, red hot. Wow. Score. Book your World Series tickets now! Give the Wilpons some money! The dynasty is ON!!!

This shit’s a marathon, not a sprint. Also, even sprints are longer than this. This has been a 20yd dash so far. Good start. Let’s see what hats these bandwagoning fajits are wearing after the Mets lose a few in a row.

Jewpons Don’t Purchase a Reliever and GUESS WHAT? Robles Has Been Activated

robles
Not pictured: this baseball getting launched 600ft

When Robles got sent down, everyone said, “phew!” Everyone wanted a bolstered bullpen and Sandy said, “we’re trying.” Well try harder you cheap Jew fuck. It took 1–ONE!!–injury (Swarzak) for us to have to see this bum again? I actually fucking liked Robles a few years ago. We all did. We all liked the kid. He threw 98 and he threw at your fuckin head. GAMER! Then he started facing real major league hitters who are actually ready for heat and they didn’t get fooled by his quick-pitch shit. Nobody’s worried about Hansel. We’re more worried about Gretel.

When (not if) someone else gets hurt, who are we going to see? Montero? Jesus fucking Christ, get it together, grouch. Robles is trending DOOOWN, too. Like, it’s not just consistently bad numbers. It’s more walks and fewer strikeouts by the month. On any other team, he wouldn’t be getting another shot. I can’t even say this is his last shot with the Mets, because there’s NO FUCKING WAY these bargain hunting Jew rats are going to get someone else. It’s classic Jew-run America. Where’s Robles from? Dominican Republic? Sounds like Mexico. He comes up here from Mexico, does a shitty job on the fuckin’ cheap, and nobody on the Mets changes anything because that means opening up the damn wallet. We need to build the bullpen a mile high to keep these Mexicans out. Just don’t expect the Wilpons to pay for it.

Gary Cohen To Begin 30th Year in Mets Booth BEFORE the Yankees Win 30th Championship

gkropeningday2013.0
The best in the biz

The Mets’ broadcast team is simply Amazin’. They dazzle. They are the best. There’s no denying it. GKR is the truth. Gary is beginning his 30th year tomorrow. Mazel fucking tov to you.

Maaaaan do people love talking about how good the Mets are on Opening Day. Do you think maybe it’d be better if we were good on closing day? Ooooops 2007. Ooooops 2008. Well documented fact: in 2007, before the last game, I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare that the Mets were down 7-0 and Glavine had already been yanked. It was just a dream. I told people. It was documented. I swore it was real. I called my parents. They told me to relax and that the game would be starting soon. As we all love to remember, the Mets then went down 7-0 and Glavine got yanked. I jumped out of my window to prove I was still dreaming. It didn’t work. I landed in a bush. Should’ve died. 3 years later, the movie “Inception” came out based on this story.

I love Gary. Congrats on 30 years with the Mets. The Yankees only have 27 championships so that makes us a better franchise, right? Who needs the best baseball team when you have the best broadcasting team? I kind of resent Gary (and Keith and Ron) because they bring the overall entertainment value of a Mets game up, which hurts the process of burning the whole thing to the ground and starting fresh. Let’s get Ron and Keith back out there in the Orange & Blue–I know they don’t want to coach because they have the cushy announcing gig but fuck is it frustrating to hear Callaway and the new guys talk pitching pitching pitching while Ronnie just sits in the booth, casually sipping tea–and let’s keep listening to Gary announcing opening day victory after opening day victory, followed by 161 horrific games. Cheers to another 30. You’re a bright spot on the Mike Cameron shade of darkness that is this black soul of a franchise. Sidenote: Mike Cameron is a good guy and a good ballplayer and maybe got the worst case of METS I have ever seen. Not that usual “loses all ability to play the game” METS. That’s normal. Mike Cameron actually got his brains laid out on the fucking field. Too bad that was before Obamacare, because God knows the Wilpons didn’t provide him with insurance.

Ray Ramirez Will Haunt Us For-Eh-Vurr

“Oh, you’re fine.” -Ramirez to Wright in 2010.

Ramirez fired. What does it mean? Nothing. Stop celebrating. It’s too late. We’re already dead. You think this means Harvey and Matz are coming back? You think this means Wright is coming back? Yo? Conforto?! It’s all over. METS-AIDS comes from the Jewpons. All that’s left to do is pray that the Yankees lose. That’s a successful season for any intelligent Mets fan.

P.S. Now that he’s been fired, will he release the incriminating photos that he’s been using to blackmail the Jewpons for the past decade? Smart money is on a pic of Fred wearing a Hitler costume. Many also betting on Jeff and Fred involved in some kind of Carcosa/True Detective-type ritualistic rape/sacrifice of a 9-year-old.