Did Dru Wake the Team Up?

“I’m outta here!”

Well this is something. First and foremost, FUUUUCK this team. Everyone wants out. Who would want to work for the Wilpons? Dru’s just saying what everyone’s thinking. 

Collins couldn’t wake the team up. Dru did. Thank you, Dru. Thank you for publicly humiliating everyone. It’s just what the team needs. 

The truth is that the Giants’ pitching is atrocious–almost as bad as ours–and that’s why we won last night. But I’m glad to see a player publicly complaining about how much the Mets blow, particularly the ownership/front office. I mean for fucks sake we’ve got Montero (yes, THAT Montero) starting on Sunday!! How could you NOT want off this team?? 

Cespedes Didn’t Do Enough

The thing is, he knows it, too. 4 for 5 with a dinger just isn’t enough for this team. Gotta hit 5-run dingers. Probably gotta pitch, too.

Today, deGrom looks to avoid being swept by scrub-a-dub Joe Ross. I’d say it’s a must-win, but really WHO CARES?! The Nats don’t have the full-blown staff depth that we do! …Oops. Oh and Cespedes isn’t even playing! Get your brooms out! 

Notice how casual the Nats are. This isn’t a rivalry. They don’t care. We could stand to reignite the rivalry by plunking Murph. But we won’t. Lifeless team. And we’re not good enough. We’ll never be good enough with Ramirez & the Jewpons. Ooooh this is such a lost season. It’s so sad. Good thing we’re a 2nd half team!

I would rather watch Cespedes’ Rehab Game Than the Mets

Oh Lord we pray for Him.

Why has anyone been watching? Really, we know how this works. We know the Mets. We ARE Cespedes. Learn your fucking lesson. Keep the training staff the FUCK away from him. Cespedes is all that matters. This is a legitimately optimistic post because the Mets actually win games when he’s healthy. 2 straight postseasons with 1 and ONLY 1 reason: Yo. 

Do youz guyz even remember that? Searching for answers in a “lost” season. Even bothering to watch this trash fed to us by Jew snakes. Cespedes or we blow!! Every other conversation about “oh why is so and so strugg-a-ling” is a waste of breath. Jewpons are a plague and Yo is the only one with some kind of antibodies. He’s Wolverine AND Hulk AND Jesus (mah fav comic book hero) mixed in one. How have you all forgotten this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. 

The Last Wheel Done Come Off


Hey, at least we’ve still got our pitching, right? Oh, Fam can’t even get it done anymore? Well, at least we’ve still got our starting pitching, RIGHT!?

Nope. We now officially have NOTHING. We have less than what Jon Snow knows.

For the record–deGrom is still my boy. It’s just one game. But maaaaaaaan did we need this one. You can’t “get to” Bumgarner and lose. Jeeeez who the fuck had the Over in this game? Shit must’ve been goin off at 10:1 or something. Amazing. Nobody could’ve seen it coming. The only thing that everyone saw coming was that the Mets would lose so I guess it all ended up as predicted.

Walkin’, Yes Indeed I’m Walkin’


Not talkin’ bout Neil Walker. Not talkin’ bout walking away from this terrible season and franchise. Obviously, I’m talkin’ bout Big Sexy’s first career walk. Mazel Tov. What a delightful distraction from what’s really going on here. Do we feel like winners after that? We can’t beat the D-Backs–thanks to some unearned runs–so everyone get excited to see how we fare against the far superior Giants and Cardinals the next couple of series.

Did you know that walking is an Olympic sport? I’m pretty sure that the racewalkers get beat up by the Special Olympians.


I Remember Why I Took This Job


This is the easiest job in the world. You see, when I started Metsblow, the Mets blew. Then, thanks to my blog, young stud pitching, and Yo, they stopped blowing as hard as the rest of the NL for half a season. It was magical.

But it made my job harder. Well, fortunately my job is easy as shit now. I (and others) predicted that without Yo, we’d have the worst offense in the league. Here it is, y’all! “The nadir of the season.” And yeah Thor needs the surgery, but zero runs ain’t gonna win a game. The Mets couldn’t score if they were a twelve-year-old boy in the Penn State locker room.

I was recently ranting to my friends (the few I have left) about how shitty the blogosphere is and how lame Metsblog is and all of the sycophants that suck Jew dick. Whenever I’m dumb enough to read some bullshit from one of these mooks, it’s always nonsense from a guy who doesn’t understand the soul of the game. They don’t see the players for who they really are. They don’t see the game for what it really is. I hate to say it, but I agree with Terry–he has talked about how this strains his relationship (and players’ relationships) with the media. So has Joe Maddon. He’s still gonna get fired at the end of this year but he’s spot on there. These dorks sit at home with their computers on their laps and they don’t even watch the games. They just report on them. They might have a corny but clever PG-rated zinger here or there (goodness!), but they don’t belong in a dugout. And when it’s clever, they probably stole it from me. Everyone’s such a bnf in these things and if I were to be on a “real” sports thing rather than a “satire” thing, I’d be canned faster than Rob Parker. Metsblow remains the only credible source in print or on the web for the truth about the Mets. That is why I took this job.

All is right in the universe. The Mets truly blow again. Yay for me. COVER THE FIELD.

If Cespedes gets healthy, we’ll make a bid for the 2nd wildcard. Might get lucky. The NL really blows.