This Isn’t News: Wright is Dead


Uhhhh…so? How fucking fast asleep are you people? I told you guys he was dead years ago. You actually bought Opening Day tickets expecting to see Wright at 3rd base? Hey, maybe he’ll be there to shorthop balls to 1st that Duda can’t scoop. Oh, wait, Duda is dead, too. 

Should we have traded the farm for Arenado? Absolutely. But it’s too late for that. Pray for Reyes’ health. Anyone who thought Wright would be playing 3B this year is a fucking invalid just like David is. Grow up, kids. Captain America has been dead for years. We love him. All-time Mets great. But holy shit, focus on 2017. We don’t really have a backup for the injury-prone Reyes. Wilmer? Ha! I’d rather see Wright out there with a broken spine. He’d still be quicker to the ball than Wilmer. Mets blow. 

Yo Mashed, Plawecki Died


The headline says it all. Yo looks stronger than ever! Aaaaand we have no catcher. 

But really, who cares about Plawecki? He’s trash. TDA is also trash. It ain’t like Conforto (who just hit a dinger, btw). Conforto is still young young YOUNG, especially in terms of MLB XP. TDA not so much. He’s already an injury-plagued has-been. 

David Wright is Dead

Backiotomy

David Wright said he feels great, his back is feeling is great, and the only real hurdle left to clear is throwing a baseball.

Someone remind me. I’m a little confused. I’m still a little comatose after the WC game. It’s been a dark Winter. I’ve lost my faculties. I am SO SORRY to bother you but PLEASE REMIND ME BECAUSE I FUCKING FORGOT: Is throwing a baseball important? Is that a thing? Is that like…maybe something you’ll have to do if you play 3rd base?

Alderson is saying Wright is still the starter and can hopefully play for the entire season. Why lie about this? Just say that Reyes is probably gonna be the guy. Stop lying. Stop treating the Cap’n with kid gloves. You failed to get Arenado (you should trade the farm for him…including Conforto) but Reyes can do the job. Just stop fucking lying. David Wright is dead.

Hey, why not start Wright at 1st? Duda’s dead, too. Oh, I see Bruce is taking reps there. I guess we’re full!

Tebow Loves Murph (Not in THAT Way!)

Metsblog aces always reporting the hard-hitting shit

So uhhh…this is too perfect. Yes, Tim, as you know, the secret is prayer. Nobody prays harder than Murph. Great mentor. Maybe y’all can go bash some homos together after BP. 

I don’t give a fuuuuuck that Tebow is a little Christian pussy bitch. If he can hit like Murph (zero percent chance), I’ll take it! 

I guess I’m Up?

It says, “hope springs eternal,” ok? It went by quickly on my TV and this was all I could snap. You get the idea. Fuck you.

Welllll, we got GOT again, Mets fans. MLBTV put out a god damn ad essentially letting Mets fans know that the only thing worse than being a basement team is being an also-ran.

I’ve been in a coma since attending a certain 1-game playoff game a few months ago. Mr. Metsblow went catatonic, which is admittedly better than Mr. Familia beating his wife. Hey, it’s a cultural thing!

Lost Tolo. Signed Yo. Get your sleeves ready. This commercial really jolted me. I hope they paid Thor for it. But basically (totally paraphrasing) he tweeted out that October baseball sucks ass (for Mets fans) and is awesome in March. That sounds about right. 

Ya gotta believe? Oh, the rotation is stacked? I think it’s missing 300lbs aka our definitive #2 starter from last year. Not to mention an affordable healthcare plan. The Jewpons won’t even spring for painkillers for Matz. We did get Yo. We bee-leeve in Yo. Yo is proven. The rotation has not proven to be more than competitive with potential for either greatness or decimation from injury.