Cold Stove Report: Mets Will Not Sign Phil Coke

Metsblog wrote that we won’t be signing Phil Coke. Such news!

I love how the Jewbrass has Metsblog write these articles so it LOOKS like they’re trying. “Oh, see! We were close to a deal! We tried to spend money! That’s why there’s an article on it!”

The reality: Alderson picked up a phone, called Coke’s agent, made a ridiculous Jew lowball offer, and they hung up on us. Mets’ Cold Stove.

Mets and the Ever-Elusive Signing of Anyone

The cheap Jew bastards are at it again…

The Mets are reportedly talking with LH reliever Joe Thatcher.

The report failed to mention that the conversation was:

Joe: Hello, this is Joe Thatcher.

Sandy: Oooh I’m sorry I must have the wrong number.

Or, this:

Joe: Hello, this is Joe Thatcher.

Sandy: So are you going to the Yankees or the Astros?

See Mets fans!? They’re talking! The reports are accurate! Seeeee?

After this “story” broke, the Mets Jewbrass came out and said that we should mitigate our expectations for Joe Thatcher.

MITIGATE! FOR JOE THATCHER! Not Tulo. Not Moncada. Joe fucking Thatcher. Good God, I don’t know if I can mitigate any further than the negative space where my expectations already reside.

Matt Harvey writes an article that says he’s hungry as fuck. The fans are hungry as fuck. GIVE US SOMETHING YOU FUCKING JEWS!! And I’m not talking about signing for the sake of signing. I’m talking about the fact that we need a¬†shortstop, a lefty arm, and that deGrom and Harvey are our 4th and 5th best hitters.

Padres sign James Shields

It’s amazing that the Padres got big game James. They already got Matt Kemp, Justin Upton, and more.

They obviously didn’t get the memo that the Mets got. It read, “NL teams: please, one trade or FA signing only. If you had a losing record last year, you’re not allowed to make improvements to multiple positions.”

The Padres have implemented an innovative strategy: “Get more talent.” The Mets disagree.

Today, Mets.com emailed (aka spammed) me to let me know that the team has acquired the Foo Fighters

Wow! Awesome! Not as good as Boys II Men or Huey Lewis & The News but wow!! This might be the free agency signing of the year!

So great to get updates on all their acquisitions. The stove is piping hot. The Padres and Marlins and other potential 2nd-wildcard teams have got nothing on us.

I heard the Wilpons are looking to acquire Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, and 2Pac as well. There’s a discount on holograms.