How to Beat the Nats

Do I think the Mets will mop up the slop for two weeks and make the playoffs? Yeah, I actually do. If they don’t, fuck em, and if they do, fuck em anyway because this season was a joke. But yeah, I think we’ll take care of the trash in the basement.

But what a flat, shitty series that was in Washington. You wanna beat the Nats? You gotta bean Murphy. You wanna beat the Nats? Get mean. Get tough. We really acted like they’re already division champs. It’s OUR title to defend, you fucks. Talk about scared. We sooooo crowned them. Getting shutout in the rubber game just shaking in our sliding pants. Gross. Pathetic. 

Wake up, Mets. Start bullying these fuckboys around. They ain’t shit. Remember how you mowed them down? And the Cubs? You can’t play scared. You need the edge. 

Beat the Booth was Riveting

Did you guys stay up? Beat the Booth was awesome. Gary & Howie are awesome.

Oh and there was a Mets game? Let me just say this to Nattitude Nation: I have no idea if Giolito (grandson of the dude who played Susan’s dad on Seinfeld!) is good or great or whatever. He very well could be. But if you think yesterday is any indication, you’re a fucking moron. We couldn’t hit Ollie Perez!! We can’t get a fucking hit at a Bob Marley concert.

Scherzer tonight. Should get swept. Should be out of it by the ASB.

Mets Win; Duda Officially Dead

Eatin up lefties as always! Beatin up Gio as always!

Grandy in instead of Conforto? Pushing all the right buttons, TC. Let the kid play, dammit. Even if Grandy went 4 for 4, it’s still the wrong call. Glad he took one for the team. Ended up scoring on Cap’n’s blast. The hbp rattled Gio. Well done, Curtis. I know why TC loves you batting leadoff. We all do. But Conforto needs to be out there somehow someway keep coming up with funky new shit like every single day.

Even Soup got a sac fly. Choooof. Unless they move Conforto to 1B or let Ty Kelly (the new Jelly) play, I think we’re stuck with Soup. Pray for him.

Harvey vs Strasburg tonight. Oh boy. 

Thor is a God. Thor is a God. Thor is a God.

7 IP. 10 Ks. 0 BB. 0 R.

Chooooof. Fuck Scherzer. We came home, Grandy & Conforto hit solo dingers, and that’s all we needed.

1 down. Now Tolo (and both of his families) look to shut down the Nats again. We’re facing Gio. We’re fuuuuucked. We actually need Wright for this one, but his back is duuuuunzo.

Why does anyone give a shit about Tolo’s personal life? I guess he’s just so sexy that people have to know. Leave him and his bastards alone.

Deadpool: TDA never plays for the Mets again? Odds 2:1. He’s in Cali now with a personal trainer. He ain’t comin back. 

Mets Sign Bastardo; Officially Out of Money

The Mets have agreed to terms with lefty reliever Antonio Bastardo. The deal will be for $12 million over two years. Great deal. The bullpen is mediocre again! We replaced Clip. 

Bastardo, 30, posted a 2.98 ERA and 1.13 WHIP last season for the Pirates while striking out 64 batters in 57 1/3 innings. 
The Mets announced that they are now completely out of money. Enjoy this signing, Metsblow nation, because this is likely all we’re going to get. This is the peripeteia. This is that small reversal of fortune where we can feel good about our team for a minute before the Nats sign Cespedes. Here it comes. Can you feel it? Can you feel the Nats getting our #3 hitter from the World Series? They already took our cleanup hitter. 

At least we get to yell, “bastardo!” all season long like it’s Spanish Game of Thrones. They call him Se├▒or Nieve. Or maybe it was yelled best by that greasy dude from Titanic. 


We Blow Again


Mets 3, Marlins 4

Going into the series @WSH, which was the bigger lock–that we’d be reeling or that the Nats would be surging? Such fucking locks. We’re still 4 games up, but damn does that feel thin. Damn does it feel like we’re blowing it. Losing 5 out of 9 against the Sawx, Phils, and Fins is absolutely unacceptable. “At least we’re beating up on the bad teams” was our official slogan for the season. Now we can’t even beat the NL Least.

What a shitty loss, too. Collins pinch hits for Plawecki (subbing a righty for a righty) and that resulted in a double play. Clippard has been stellar, but blew it. The bottom line is you can’t only score 3 runs against the Marlins. They pulled that gambling fiend Cosart out in the 5th fucking inning even though he was shutting us down (except for Cespedes). Their pen is dogshit, but our pen is worse, apparently.

At least Matz looked pretty good. We’ll need him–as well as Gee and Verrett–to pitch well down the stretch because Harvey, Thor, and even deGrom have all looked gassed and if we want them strong and under their magical innings limit barriers for the postseason, then guys like Matz have to step up. So far, so good, except for the blister. Can’t fault Matz today.

OK, it’s time. @WSH time. Duda and Murph are both back, though Duda isn’t in today’s lineup. I’m not sure why not, but at least they’ve finally moved Cespedes out of the 2-hole. Today’s matchup is Niese vs. Scherzer, and I gotta say that looks absolutely AWFUL on paper. I don’t see how we win it, especially because we blow so hard.

Mets’ Magic Number Reduced by 3

The Mets Reduced Their Magic Number to 42.
The Mets Reduced Their Magic Number to 42.
Pirates 8, Mets 1

Since my Rec League Softball team–Stanky Doodoo Farts–made the playoffs (via back door), I’m in a smiling summer baseball lala mood.

The Mets did their part this weekend, reducing their magic number to 42 over the Nats. MadBum went mad on em, striking out 14 and hitting a homer.

Granted, we didn’t win a game. But let’s say that we’ll TOOOOTTAAALLLYY be 100% healthy for the playoffs that we’re TOOOOOTTAALLLLLYY making it into. Wright is coming back! Get it–BACK! Guaranteed! Duda is A-OK! Matz, too, hooray!

The truth is that the Nats are doodoo right now, and I think they’ll get it together. But we can do the same. Just beat up on the shitty teams, win the NL LEEEAST, and then let the Cards, Pirates, and Cubs beat each other up.

We’d likely play the Dodgers in the 1st round. Clayton “Peyton” Kershaw twice, Greinke twice, Latos for Game 3, I’d guess. BUT PLAYOFFS!?!?! Way too early. There’s a shitload of baseball left. Now we gotta win on the road. Something we haven’t done at all.

Preblow: Tejada is Starting Again

Welp, it’s a walkout! Boycott! 

It took a month, but Tejada is back as a regular starter! I repeat: The Wilpons and Alderson have benched Flores (saying he needs a long breather) and are starting Ruben Tejada. The same Ruben Tejada that has been a black hole in the lineup for 6 (6!!) years. 

Fuck the Wilpons. They allowed this to happen. Fuck this team. The pitching has to throw zeroes or we lose. Metsblow.

Liveblow: A Lesson In Gamesmanship 

If you think Jordan Zimmerman didn’t have advanced knowledge of the fabricated rain delay, I’ve got a bridge to sell you. It left deGrom cold and that’s why he let up that dinger to Ryan Zimmerman. So many Jew Zimmermans. 

They didn’t even put the tarp on the field! It didn’t rain! Gamesmanship from the division champs. Lesson learned. They won’t relinquish the throne easily.

P.S. Keith mentioned he thought it was a phony bologna rain delay. Keith knows. 

P.P.S. J. Zimmerman’s letting up hits anyway!