Alderson Hopeful Wright Plays 120+ Games

David Wright – artist rendering

Uhhhh, what the fuck are you talking about, Sandy? Did the booze get to you at the winter meetings? Or the pills? Or the hookers? 

The Nats signed Chris Sale.* They lost Melancon but he went to the Giants. I guess Bumgarner can’t pitch every inning. They’re making moves. I actually think our IF is okay, but we oughta get Trumbo. We should definitely get Chapman and Jansen. What, we’re not gonna get Chapman because he beat his wife? Familia’s gonna get suspended for the same fucking thing. 

Reyes can play 3rd. Our IF is okay, but Sandy, baby, you were doing well. We got Yo. Shut up about Wright. He’s dead. Hey, TDA blows/will get hurt so why not have Wright play catcher? He’ll be fine. 

*Update: Bahahah the Nats blew it. Got hoodwinked by the Sawx. Well, now they get to keep Giolito. Could be a blessing for ’em. Hopefully they’ll find another way to screw it up.** Meanwhile Yankees GM Cashman calls the Sawx the Warriors?! Uhhhh, wake up, fag. People call the Warriors the Yankees. Get a grip, motherfucker.

**Nats indeed found a way to screw it up. They dished Giolito (and more–a massive dump) for Eaton. Fine, bring on Eaton. Seems really dumb. It’s the rest of the division I’m worried about. Mainly just the Mets blowing is always the biggest concern.

Will the Jewpons Jew Out?

Must sign. MUST SIGN.
Must sign. MUST SIGN.

The Royals won the World Series. Good for them. We blew it. Our poor defense got EXPOSED. We blew it more than they won it. Experience is everything and they had it but now we have it.

We can actually be excited for next season. Pray for some luck. Pray for health. Pray for our ELITE young pitching (both the rotation and the closer).

Pray the Jewpons don’t Jew out. We MUST SIGN Cespedes. Everyone knows he was the catalyst. He was the lightning that brought Frankenstein’s monster to life. We need him the most. If the Wilpons can’t/don’t sign him, they shouldn’t be owners anymore.

We also need Zobrist. We also need Reynolds and Herrera to be good next year, but that’s not a signing. We need Uribe and Jelly. We have to sure up the fucking defense.

It’s bittersweet. I wanted the chip so badly. But we actually do have a shot. We have a window. Sandy Alderson knows this, and should be able to explain it in terms that Baby Jeffy can understand. “Look at all the t-shirts and expensive tickets people bought in the playoffs.” But I don’t rely on him to understand anything.

It’s super hard to win. We could be the ’90s Braves with our rotation. They made the playoffs a whole bunch but only won it all once. Well, 1 is a whole lot fucking better than 0! The point is to get to the postseason and you’ve got a shot. Sign Cespedes and we’re likely to win ~96 games next year.

Cespedes will have to work on it in the offseason, but he’s our CF. Pray for the signing. Pray the Jewpons don’t Jew out. Sure up the pen, sure up the infield defense, and pray.

Cespedes Says He’ll Take a 6 Year Deal

"Cigars on me."
“Cigars on me…again”

Cespedes says that he’ll take a 6 year deal. By putting that number on the board, Cespedes is openly stating, “I’ll stay if they’ll have me.” Holy balls he’s begging us to sign him. No 7yr deals is Alderson’s THING.

If the Jewpons can’t offer the best player in franchise history a legitimate 6 year deal ($175m), then you have to sell the team. He wants to be here. Just give him what he wants.

Are the Dodgers or Yankees going to offer him something ridiculous like 6 years/$200m? Can’t be. That’s nuts. But why not? We’re talking about a legend here. The Mets have to give him enough. If the Mets let him go, Metsblow will make the Jewpons pay with fire and blood. Either way, I’m getting his jersey.

I don’t think we’re gonna sign Cespedes. I think we’re sooo alllllll in this year. When have we ever made these kind of moves? We usually just let the bullpen tank to shit. This year we got Clippard AND Reed? I don’t think we should get used to it.

P.S. The racist FOX broadcasters are talking about Yoenis’s yellow sleeve and the UNIFORM CODE. This is like when Boston said he was a bad teammate because he didn’t take bp before games. Ummmm, I think he knows what he’s doing. Ummmm, I think NOBODY ON THE METS GIVES A SHIT. I certainly don’t. Because we’re not all evil bigots in NYC. It’s called Superstar License, you freakin’ morons. Let the master use his methods.

Mets Lose Game, Ace, and…HOLD THE PHONE!!

There's no crying in baseball!
There’s no crying in baseball!

Padres 7, Mets 3

Duda hit 3 solo dingers today. He only needed 5 more for the win!

Jesus fucking Christ what a whirlwind for Flores. My photo/caption is a little harsh, but I couldn’t resist quoting the great Jimmy Dugan (“avoid the clap”). The truth is that Flores is a gutsy player and we are all sad to see him go and the team handled that like shit–they were both unsympathetic and stupid for risking an injury–and we hope he does well and blah blah blah but the homecoming for Carlos Gomez is HUGE and…

NEVER FUCKING MIND!! Wheeler must have failed the physical. I guess he’s deeeeead.

It was a real win-win trade, too. The Mets would get Gomez, shut down Lagares, and by the time Lagares was healthy again, Gomez would be finishing up a contract year and we would get a 1st round pick for him (as long as we didn’t end up botching the qualifying offer). Also, by the time Wheeler will be healthy, we’ll have Fulmer up. It was looking good. Really good. Too good for this dogshit organization.

The Mets have ruined everything. Wheeler’s TJ was botched, most likely. Sandy should be humiliated. What a complete joke.

Maverick simply didn’t want Team Minaya back together. Change of heart what with Wheeler being his most prized possession.

TDA is supposedly coming back tomorrow. I wish we could say good riddance to Recker forever but knowing Travis, he’ll be on his 3rd injury by Sunday.

Most importantly: We’ve gotta win this series tomorrow. Let’s fucking go. Noon start. It’ll all be over soon.

The Mets Didn’t Take Juan Uribe Because of a “Logjam” at 3B

Just look at all these 3rd basemen!
Just look at all these 3rd basemen!

During the offseason, I blogged/begged for the Mets to get a 3rd baseman. I said that Wright would likely die this year (he did), and even if he didn’t, we’d be forced to watch Soup every 4th day because even a healthy Wright (which will never exist again and hasn’t existed since 2010) could only play 120 or so games.

The rumor mill is now swirling that the Dodgers offered Juan Uribe for Dillon Gee and the Mets declined. Alderson apparently was quoted as saying that the Mets have a “logjam” at 3B.

So there are two theories about this quote:

1) YOU DUMB STUPID IDIOT! YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!!! IDIOT!! IDIOT!!! Are you fucking kidding me? You took ol’ Slim-Spine and Soup and called that a fucking logjam!? Were you referring to Daniel “let’s let him walk after this season” Murphy as well? What the fuck are you talking about!? Logjam!? We have ZERO third basemen!!!

2) JEWS! SNAKE JEWS!! YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCKING SNAKE JEWS!!! Juan Uribe oooooh no he’s making 7 figures! SEVEN! We can’t afford seven figures!! Holy shit, 7 figures!? Jesus Jew Christ, at that price, we’ll barely be able to support our future criminal endeavors in the investment banking underworld. Cut us some fucking kosher slack, here. 7 figures!? For a proven veteran? Get outta town. Oy vey.

Just for the record, Uribe would have the highest BA on the team. Eh, who are we kidding, we’d screw with his stretching regiment and land him on the DL anyway.

Seriously, What the Fuck Are We Going To Do?

The face of an owner who has really got his shit together, right?
The face of an owner who has really got his shit together, right?

The Mets currently have 4 aces and are still blowing hard dick. Bring up Matz and it’s 5 aces. HOORAY! Now we can lose 1-0 or 2-1 EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!

I know the box score says that deGrom blew it. Same with Tolo. BUT IT IS NOT TRUE. The fundies, dammit! ON BOTH SIDES! We can’t field bunts and we can’t lay them down. It’s embarrassing to watch. It’s disgusting. Even Collins–yes I know he has a scrub lineup–is to blame. You have to teach this shit.

Are we 1 month away from Conforto? He’s raking. How do we make room for him? Well, Lagares needs TJ. OOPS! So that solves that. Also Cuddy will be hurt soon. Lock.

Nimmo is back from the DL. So Conforto and Nimmo are the answers? We’re going to go ALL-IN on guys that have zero ML ABs?! We have a 3-year window with these aces.

Wheeler won’t be back until the All-Star Break anyway. You need a bat. You need two. We completely fucked up by not trading Tolo when he was 5-0 and had value. Now he’s worthless again. The best chance we have is Montero getting healthy and rocking it for a month and then dishing him.

Hell, Conforto and Nimmo are doomed, anyway. The Mets will mismanage their injuries and hail them as saviors with impossible expectations and they’ll be hurt and done by June.

Gee is gone. We gave Logan Verrett his number. Opening starter 2014. Nothing to show for it. METSBLOW! Gee will probably get picked up by the Cubs and the Cubs will win the 2nd Wildcard over us.

The Cubs are smart. Theo (GM) won’t give up Addison Russell for less than Matz AND Thor. WOOF! We’re sitting here scoring 0.000 runs/gm and Theo knows it. And he’s barking. And Sandy’s peeing his pants.

Herrera will replace Murph. Murph gonna walk. 100% lock. We’ll get nothing for him.

We won’t spend a dime. JEW COVETOUSNESS. We let Reyes walk!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

We made a hard pass on Uribe. “WHY WOULD WE NEED A GUY BATTING .290!?” -Alderson

I have 2 solutions:

1) Go get an impact bat. You have to. Go and do it. Either bring Conforto up or convince the Cubs somehow to get us Soler and/or Baez (he’s hurt, might be a discount).

2) Jeff Wilpon should kill himself. Go ahead and kill yourself.

Get The Fuck Out of My Face With David Wright Talk

Ow, my spine.
Ow, my spine.
GM Sandy “Pinocchio Ass Nigga” Alderson lied again about David Wright today. Or wait, he didn’t lie. He just said that Wright COULD be back by the all-star break. Yeah, and he COULD be back by May 15th. And Jesus COULD rise up and tell the people to kill all the Jews and Muslims, but it ain’t gonna happen.

This is another completely transparent move by those Jew fuckhead Wilpons. They’re not gonna spend a time. They expect us to hold out and hope for David Wright? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Sell the team. Fuck you. Even if Wright was fully healthy, you STILL GO OUT and get someone. Our depth is paper thin. We resigned Kirk for fucks sake. I hate you, Jeff Wilpon. I wouldn’t let you in my house in the pouring rain. Get out. You’re an awful person. This isn’t a lighthearted roast. I don’t do Metsblow in jest. I truly hate you. You are awful. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you.

Alderson on Mejia (Another Non-Concern)


As you know, Jenrry Mejia was suspended for performance-enhancing drugs. Apathetic Alderson took a hard-nosed, I really-want-to-be-commish-someday stance, and said there may not be a spot for Mejia when his suspension ends.

Wow, Sandy. And I thought your lack of concern for Thor was bad. This is next-level apathy. Jay Cutler–I don’t caaaaaare–style detachment. I guess the only way for Mejia to earn his spot back will be to juice so heavily during his suspension that he’s throwing 105 by the time he gets back.

Pecan Sandy vs. The Tan Dandy

Alderson hates Collins. The Wilpons hate Collins. The media is all over it. Collins is a “bad manager,” so they don’t like him.

Collins, looking quite leathery with his deep, Florida tan, said he has not thought about retiring after this year. The club has a 2016 option on him.

Is Collins a bad manager? Alderson seems to think so. And remember, Alderson is a baseball maverick. 

Collins’ biggest mistakes were probably continuing to play players like Jason Bay and Ruben Tejada rather than suiting up himself and having former hitting coach Lamar Johnson hit.

2014 is–on paper–different. This is the first time the lineup isn’t total dogshit. If the team stays healthy (Murphy is already out), this is the first time Collins can be judged. Every other year is completely unfair. He didn’t have men. He had a minor league squad. Winning was impossible. It is completely unfair to judge Collins up to this point.