How Will Amed Rosario Die?


Rosario arrives many moments too late. But hey, all in for 2018.

Everyone loves him. It's a LOCK that he's great. Scouts unanimously name him an all-star. He'll be our shortstop for 15 years. Everyone loves him.

So how will this crash and burn? Here are some options:

-After batting below the Mendoza line for two years, the Mets trade him to the Yankees, where Amed miraculously "figures it out" and becomes the all-star he was born to be.

-taxi cab accident

-burned alive by Khaleesi

-shattered leg from a Chase Utley slide. The ump awards Chase an extra base for his bravery.

-hit in the head by a Scherzer fastball. The Mets do not retaliate.

-Everyone loves his throwing arm. So the smart money is on his arm falling off during a routine throw to 1st.

-chair drops on his head during baby Jeffy Jewpon's bar mitzvah.

The biggest question: WHEN will things go horribly wrong for Amed?

-Now. Things just never pan out. He never gets the bat going and never pushes past mediocrity. Similar to Montero or Milledge, he's just another overhyped prospect. Maybe not "overhyped" but just due to Metsaids, things never work out.

-During a stretch run next year. In a late-summer pennant race, Amed gets hurt in-game and goes down for the year. The deflated Mets lose the game and sign a retired Reyes to fill in, and the Mets miss the playoffs by 1 game. *I would say Amed getting hurt next Summer is more likely than just being a bust, but in order for this prophecy to come true, the Mets would have to be in a pennant race. Not bloody likely!

Good luck, Amed. You're doomed. Yo is still the savior so no pressure and all-in for 2018 when everyone's (not) healthy.

Valar Metsghoulis. All Mets must die.

Duda Traded, Smith Not Called Up

Duda's face after watching a replay of the throw home he made in Game 5 of the 2015 World Series.

Duda traded. Great. Sad for a half second. Did we get a good return? Well, Drew Smith is a reliever, so regardless of his stats, Terry is sure to blow his arm out. It doesn't matter.

The bigger issue is that Dom Smith was not called up. Why not? It doesn't even hurt that kike Jeff Wilpon's wallet. So what the fuck? I guess it's Wilmer time at 1B? I want to rant and rave about how retarded they are for not bringing up their 1B prospect (that every scout has deemed ready) but the truth is, in this meaningless season, I like the idea of keeping Dom as far away from Ray Ramirez as possible. As important as major league experience is, the Mets are not a major league team, so it's a moot point.

Duda will be remembered as the guy that beat Ike "The Franchise" Davis for the starting job by batting .230, a solid 100 points higher than Davis. When reached for comment, Duda said, "they really didn't bring up Smith?" Ike "Say Hay Fever" Davis, when reached for comment, said, "achoo!"

Bonus Blow: Flexen has somehow made Monterrible a middle-of-the-rotation starter by default. Wow! The depth!! Horses in the stable! Montero wouldn't get the bump for my softball team, and here he is in the middle of the Mets' rotation. Remember when he was a shining prospect of hope? Pray for Dom and Amed.

If Brandon Nimmo Dies, Can Ray Ramirez Be Charged With Murder?

Dead. Still smiling 🙂

Nimmo has a collapsed lung. He might actually die. He’s dead for sure. But dead dead? Ned Stark dead? That’d be the worst case of Mets-aids that I’ve ever heard of.

Collapsed lung. That’s where we’re at right now. All-star break means Mets can’t lose for 4 days. Then again, Conforto could get dead. Ray Ramirez will be there. All-star trainer!

Pray for Nimmo. Pray for Sandy to make big moves. Pray for Amed. 

The Mets Should Have Beaned Posey


God fucking dammit the Mets blow. Conforto is dead. Hit in the wrist and the injury was mismanaged, of course, and now he’s dead. But where was the retribution?! This is part of it, people!! It’s not just on Ramirez. Teams aren’t scared of us! They can hit Conforto no biggie! Hard slides (Utley-Tejada lolz) on em? Sure! The Mets are soft! We should’ve beaned Posey. At least plunk somebody! FUCK!! Coach Wally wouldn’t let this shit fly. Conforto for fucks sake! On a 3-2 pitch. 

Gsellman’s best contribution to the team this season is that he got hurt (dead) today and said, “we’re dropping like flies.” I like it. Really callin’ out the shittiness. They’re so bad. Ray Ramirez should be arrested for genocide. 

Did Dru Wake the Team Up?

“I’m outta here!”

Well this is something. First and foremost, FUUUUCK this team. Everyone wants out. Who would want to work for the Wilpons? Dru’s just saying what everyone’s thinking. 

Collins couldn’t wake the team up. Dru did. Thank you, Dru. Thank you for publicly humiliating everyone. It’s just what the team needs. 

The truth is that the Giants’ pitching is atrocious–almost as bad as ours–and that’s why we won last night. But I’m glad to see a player publicly complaining about how much the Mets blow, particularly the ownership/front office. I mean for fucks sake we’ve got Montero (yes, THAT Montero) starting on Sunday!! How could you NOT want off this team?? 

But Murph Can’t Play Defense!

Murph (right) & Flores

Remember when we didn’t sign Murph? All-star hitting be damned, he can’t play defense! Well guess what? That’s true. He really can’t. Who did you we trot out this past weekend? Wilmer “Fire Hydrant” fucking Flores. Amazin’! Good thing we sured up that defense. 

Also, we hit 4 dingers off a very comfortable Kershaw last night. Good thing we have the best rotation in team history to back those dingers up!

Cespedes Didn’t Do Enough


The thing is, he knows it, too. 4 for 5 with a dinger just isn’t enough for this team. Gotta hit 5-run dingers. Probably gotta pitch, too.

Today, deGrom looks to avoid being swept by scrub-a-dub Joe Ross. I’d say it’s a must-win, but really WHO CARES?! The Nats don’t have the full-blown staff depth that we do! …Oops. Oh and Cespedes isn’t even playing! Get your brooms out! 

Notice how casual the Nats are. This isn’t a rivalry. They don’t care. We could stand to reignite the rivalry by plunking Murph. But we won’t. Lifeless team. And we’re not good enough. We’ll never be good enough with Ramirez & the Jewpons. Ooooh this is such a lost season. It’s so sad. Good thing we’re a 2nd half team!