Syndergaard’s Dead

image1 (1)
He dead, yo.

Syndergaard’s on the DL. Yo we know is already dead. Conforto already missed a month and is always one swing away from popping that shoulder back out. Even deGrom has missed starts. And when he starts, he’ll let up 1 run or fewer and leave with a no-decision and the Mets will lose late, anyway.

It was never Ray Ramirez. Well, it was, but not ONLY him. It has always been the Wilpons. We should all hold hands outside of Citifield and one-by-one kill ourselves until the Wilpons agree to sell. It’s the only way. Actually, fuck killing ourselves. Somebody hire a Faceless Man to give Jeff Wilpon a gift.

Let’s take bets. Thor’s on the 10-day DL. How many days until he pitches again? 10 days? 10 weeks? 10 years? The answer is NEVER AGAIN in a Mets uniform. He will not heal until he’s got those Yankee pinstripes on. Then it’ll be Cy Young after Cy Young after championship after championship. Actually, he prolly won’t win the Cy Young because deGrom (also a Yankee) will.

Please trade them. Please trade them. Please trade them. Not because they’re hurt. Not because we’ll get good prospects in return (because we all know we’ll just fuck their careers up, too). Please trade them because I like them. I want deGrom to get wins. I want Thor to throw a baseball again. It won’t happen on the Mets. Fuck the Mets. I want my guys to be happy. I’d rather them be happy on another team (preferably somewhere far away like Seattle) than stuck here in this Jew desert wandering astray forever.

 

The Mets Didn’t Trade Harvey for Arenado

pjimage
Ooooops!

So obviously the ship has been completely straightened out after beating the worst team in the majors by 1 run last night and hitting a few dingdongs in the smallest park outside of baby bitch Yankee Stadium. But still, we need to address this past weekend:

Nolan Arenado and the Rockies swept the Mets in Queens (after the Mets had already lost about fifty in a row). Arenado hit about 8 home runs and made slick play after slick play. He was the star of the weekend while Matt Harvey got DFA’d. For those unfamiliar with the term, DFA stands for “Designated For Assignment” which is a nice way of saying that he got cut. DFA also stands for Double Fucked Anally, which is also apt. DFA aaalllso stands for Dairy Farmers of America, which wouldn’t normally be relevant except for the fact that Cespedes has a farm because he’s a boss like that.

Somewhere around 3~4 years ago, when #HarveyDay was reminding people of Doc Gooden, Nolan Arenado was being shopped around by the Rockies. Would a direct 1-for-1 trade have happened? Probably. Would a package deal involving Harvey and a couple of scrubs like D’Arnaud have happened? Definitely. I remember being bombarded by hopeful Mets fans (sad) after I said we should trade him. “BUT WAIT! Harvey is the CHOSEN ONE! Can’t do it!” What team do you even root for? Even the Mets’ brass themselves mentioned that there was no need for a 3rd baseman. Ah, of course! We have David Wright! 3rd base is FULL!!! Cut to 2018, Arenado has led the majors in awesomeness for the past 3 years (check the stats…he’s got more ribeyes than anyone, and that’s just the start of it) while Harvey has been cut (still reminding us of Doc Gooden!), Wright has been dead forever, and the rest of us have all been DFA’d over and over again. Meet the Mets! Greet the Mets! One helluva history of could’ve-beens with guys named Nolan.

P.S. The Mets are fully to blame for all of this. Doc Gooden–at 19 years old–was given the keys to the fucking NYC castle. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Then the Jew media spun things to make it look like Doc was some asshole who hurt his teammates and hurt himself. This city swallows people up! Fast forward to now, and it’s the same fucking thing. Maybe take some fucking accountability for your stud young players. They’re kids blowing the fuck up waaay too quickly in the fastest city in the world. It’s not on them. Help them grow one time for me. See the pattern. Or better yet, trade them.

P.P.S. If we’re really gonna come full circle with the Doc Gooden analogy, get ready for Harvey to throw a no-hitter in pinstripes next year. Sad for my team and me.

Best Start in Franchise History? Let’s Celebrate Like We Won the World Series!

jump
Hooray! We did it! We won the championship!

9-1! 9-1! End the fucking season before everyone gets hurt! Give us the trophyyyy!!

Has anyone here in Metsie LaLa Dicksuck Land read The Tortoise & The Hare? Has anyone here read the Mets’ unabridged franchise history? Has anyone here read a book? Ever? A fucking book with words? It doesn’t seem like anyone has, because everyone’s acting like a fucking illiterate Mexican retard. (Sorry, Keith).

9-1 ain’t shit, you fucks. Yeah, it’s better than 1-9. Sure. Great. Grand. Wonderful. Callaway is swingin’ dick. I like it. Yo is playing through a fever. I love it. Conforto is one swing away from ripping his shoulder out. Ya gotta love it.

Hey guys, we’re in first place less than 1/16th of the way through the season. Let’s sip some fucking mai tais and ball the fuck out because THIS. SHIT. IS. IN. THE. BAG! To be fair, the team looks gritty and focused. This is more a knock on the fans. What fucking franchise do you follow!? Oh my god, people love hype. People LOOOOOVE hype. The crazy mob mentality is maddening. This is how Madison Av controls your fucking mind. They build a fever pitch out of nothing, get you all screaming for some bullshit, then you buy the product or burn the witch or do whatever it is your feeble fucking brains are being told to do, and then they push something new on you. Right now, the Mets are hot. Yes, red hot. Wow. Score. Book your World Series tickets now! Give the Wilpons some money! The dynasty is ON!!!

This shit’s a marathon, not a sprint. Also, even sprints are longer than this. This has been a 20yd dash so far. Good start. Let’s see what hats these bandwagoning fajits are wearing after the Mets lose a few in a row.

Jewpons Don’t Purchase a Reliever and GUESS WHAT? Robles Has Been Activated

robles
Not pictured: this baseball getting launched 600ft

When Robles got sent down, everyone said, “phew!” Everyone wanted a bolstered bullpen and Sandy said, “we’re trying.” Well try harder you cheap Jew fuck. It took 1–ONE!!–injury (Swarzak) for us to have to see this bum again? I actually fucking liked Robles a few years ago. We all did. We all liked the kid. He threw 98 and he threw at your fuckin head. GAMER! Then he started facing real major league hitters who are actually ready for heat and they didn’t get fooled by his quick-pitch shit. Nobody’s worried about Hansel. We’re more worried about Gretel.

When (not if) someone else gets hurt, who are we going to see? Montero? Jesus fucking Christ, get it together, grouch. Robles is trending DOOOWN, too. Like, it’s not just consistently bad numbers. It’s more walks and fewer strikeouts by the month. On any other team, he wouldn’t be getting another shot. I can’t even say this is his last shot with the Mets, because there’s NO FUCKING WAY these bargain hunting Jew rats are going to get someone else. It’s classic Jew-run America. Where’s Robles from? Dominican Republic? Sounds like Mexico. He comes up here from Mexico, does a shitty job on the fuckin’ cheap, and nobody on the Mets changes anything because that means opening up the damn wallet. We need to build the bullpen a mile high to keep these Mexicans out. Just don’t expect the Wilpons to pay for it.

Gary Cohen To Begin 30th Year in Mets Booth BEFORE the Yankees Win 30th Championship

gkropeningday2013.0
The best in the biz

The Mets’ broadcast team is simply Amazin’. They dazzle. They are the best. There’s no denying it. GKR is the truth. Gary is beginning his 30th year tomorrow. Mazel fucking tov to you.

Maaaaan do people love talking about how good the Mets are on Opening Day. Do you think maybe it’d be better if we were good on closing day? Ooooops 2007. Ooooops 2008. Well documented fact: in 2007, before the last game, I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare that the Mets were down 7-0 and Glavine had already been yanked. It was just a dream. I told people. It was documented. I swore it was real. I called my parents. They told me to relax and that the game would be starting soon. As we all love to remember, the Mets then went down 7-0 and Glavine got yanked. I jumped out of my window to prove I was still dreaming. It didn’t work. I landed in a bush. Should’ve died. 3 years later, the movie “Inception” came out based on this story.

I love Gary. Congrats on 30 years with the Mets. The Yankees only have 27 championships so that makes us a better franchise, right? Who needs the best baseball team when you have the best broadcasting team? I kind of resent Gary (and Keith and Ron) because they bring the overall entertainment value of a Mets game up, which hurts the process of burning the whole thing to the ground and starting fresh. Let’s get Ron and Keith back out there in the Orange & Blue–I know they don’t want to coach because they have the cushy announcing gig but fuck is it frustrating to hear Callaway and the new guys talk pitching pitching pitching while Ronnie just sits in the booth, casually sipping tea–and let’s keep listening to Gary announcing opening day victory after opening day victory, followed by 161 horrific games. Cheers to another 30. You’re a bright spot on the Mike Cameron shade of darkness that is this black soul of a franchise. Sidenote: Mike Cameron is a good guy and a good ballplayer and maybe got the worst case of METS I have ever seen. Not that usual “loses all ability to play the game” METS. That’s normal. Mike Cameron actually got his brains laid out on the fucking field. Too bad that was before Obamacare, because God knows the Wilpons didn’t provide him with insurance.

This Team’s Gay

Injured? Tryna get boof’d? Can’t it be both?

This team’s gay. Talkin’ ’bout hope n’ shit. Talkin’ bout meaningful September games. God fucking dammit is Spring Training for anything other than talking about how good our chances are? Talk talk talk like a bunch of chatty, catty gaywads. If this team was any gayer, they’d be tied to the back of a pickup truck getting dragged across Wyoming.

Some say we have a “small window” before our young, contracted arms get paid by teams owned by non-Jews (or “goyims” or “not stingy, dirty, big-nose-having snakes” as they say). BULLSHIT. Our arms suck. Matz and Harvey are dead forever and Wheeler might not even make the fucking roster! The window closed 2 fucking years ago right about the time when Matt and Noah were dressing up like Disney characters or Marvel characters or whatever gayass shit they were doing instead of training. Take that Thor garden gnome and shove it up your ass, gaywads.

Conforto dead. deGrom hurt. Yo strained. What’s the thread between these 3 players? They’re definitively the 3 best players on the team. Niiiice. Our other best player is Thor. He’s coming back from an injury (shocker) and trying as hard as he can to prove he’s fine by firing every pitch in at 100mph. Save some of that gas for all the meaningful September games we’re gonna have, amiright? Great to see the new coaching staff is picking up right where Terry left off with arm management.

Dom Smith getting benched for showing up late? Classy! Fuck him, anyway. A-Gon is (was) a stud. I’m seeing a Mo Vaughn kind of trajectory for A-Gon, our new “portly 1B that was a stud before coming to the Mets.” Sad. I’m seeing a Lastings Milledge kind of trajectory for Dom.

Even gayer than all of this were the school shooting baseball caps that they were all wearing. Awesome job, guys. Thoughts, prayers, and baseball caps. We’re saved! I can’t wait until the team is armed. Our arms suck. Some real arms might be nice. Shoot the other team in the face and we might win a game. Hell, give the fans some guns, too, so I can shoot myself in the fucking face and not watch any more of this shit.

So enough fucking talk. This isn’t a happy, hopeful Spring. This is the same garbage franchise with the same black future as always. If this team’s future was any blacker, it’d be tied to the back of a pickup truck getting dragged across Wyoming.

Sandy Wants His Sandy Vagina Sucked for Getting Bruce Back

img_7786
Bruce said, “Thank God” when he was traded off the Mets last summer

Newsflash, Sandy: We don’t fucking caaaaaaare, dude. OK, you know what? We care a little bit. We care because Conforto’s shoulder is fucking dunzo and we care because we don’t want to see Nimmo starting every day. And Bruce does hit. So hoo-fucking-ray, the Bruce signing brings us back to being a 4th place team. Way to bring back a guy who bashed the shit out of the Mets harder than he bashes the ball and said, “thank god” when you traded him.

Oh don’t worry. That was laaast year’s Mets that Bruce was bashing. This year’s Mets will be good, so nobody will get frustrated and things won’t spiral out of control and players won’t beg to be traded and then openly celebrate when they get shipped to a competitive team. Tooootally gonna work out this time. Oh and Sandy got A-Gon, too? That’s awesome! Memba A-Gon? I memba! He was fucking great. This actually could be a nice signing. It really lets everyone know that Dom Smith is an immediate bust. Once Rosario gets Mets-AIDS, the circle of life will be complete again.

So why is this even worth writing about? It’s not. The Mets never are. But I just hated Sandy’s fuckin cocky ass attitude after the signing. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. He’s not Cespedes (which we still do give you credit for). He’s not Machado. I mean you can’t sign Bruce, then have the next message from official Mets’ brass be, “David Wright is working on a comeback,” and expect us to be cool. So 3B is legit Wright or Flores? WHAT YEAR IS IT!? Go fuck yourself. Wright at 3rd. Harvey pitching. Nice offseason, fag.