Sandy Wants His Sandy Vagina Sucked for Getting Bruce Back

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Bruce said, “Thank God” when he was traded off the Mets last summer

Newsflash, Sandy: We don’t fucking caaaaaaare, dude. OK, you know what? We care a little bit. We care because Conforto’s shoulder is fucking dunzo and we care because we don’t want to see Nimmo starting every day. And Bruce does hit. So hoo-fucking-ray, the Bruce signing brings us back to being a 4th place team. Way to bring back a guy who bashed the shit out of the Mets harder than he bashes the ball and said, “thank god” when you traded him.

Oh don’t worry. That was laaast year’s Mets that Bruce was bashing. This year’s Mets will be good, so nobody will get frustrated and things won’t spiral out of control and players won’t beg to be traded and then openly celebrate when they get shipped to a competitive team. Tooootally gonna work out this time. Oh and Sandy got A-Gon, too? That’s awesome! Memba A-Gon? I memba! He was fucking great. This actually could be a nice signing. It really lets everyone know that Dom Smith is an immediate bust. Once Rosario gets Mets-AIDS, the circle of life will be complete again.

So why is this even worth writing about? It’s not. The Mets never are. But I just hated Sandy’s fuckin cocky ass attitude after the signing. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. He’s not Cespedes (which we still do give you credit for). He’s not Machado. I mean you can’t sign Bruce, then have the next message from official Mets’ brass be, “David Wright is working on a comeback,” and expect us to be cool. So 3B is legit Wright or Flores? WHAT YEAR IS IT!? Go fuck yourself. Wright at 3rd. Harvey pitching. Nice offseason, fag.

Ray Ramirez Will Haunt Us For-Eh-Vurr

“Oh, you’re fine.” -Ramirez to Wright in 2010.

Ramirez fired. What does it mean? Nothing. Stop celebrating. It’s too late. We’re already dead. You think this means Harvey and Matz are coming back? You think this means Wright is coming back? Yo? Conforto?! It’s all over. METS-AIDS comes from the Jewpons. All that’s left to do is pray that the Yankees lose. That’s a successful season for any intelligent Mets fan.

P.S. Now that he’s been fired, will he release the incriminating photos that he’s been using to blackmail the Jewpons for the past decade? Smart money is on a pic of Fred wearing a Hitler costume. Many also betting on Jeff and Fred involved in some kind of Carcosa/True Detective-type ritualistic rape/sacrifice of a 9-year-old.

Fans Saying This Season Was “The Worst Season in Mets History” Are Pussies

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So the Nats clinched (they’re still soft) and soft Mets fans are saying this is the worst season ever. The expectations were so high blah blah blah. If you think this was the worst season ever, you’re a fucking pussy and you should kill yourself.

Yes, Sandy Alderson exposed himself as a two-faced faggot and an official Jewpon shill when he nonchalantly mentioned that all he cares about is offense. I think it was around the all-star break when he said that. I wonder if he watched Murph and Turner play that game. Yes, Cespedes was hurt all year. Sad. Yes, the pitching was thinner than you thought. Like I said, the Mets blow and there’s no chance Matz plays and there’s no chance Harvey plays. I didn’t see Thor coming but “HORSES IN THE STABLE!” was absurd. You’re dumb shits. You haven’t been watching the Mets. You don’t know what you’re talking about. WHAT TEAM DO YOU WATCH!?

Rosario’s gonna be a stud. Keith sees promise in Smith. Conforto’s a stud. Oh wait, he’s dead, too. NOOOO! Not my team! My front shoulder hurts, too. I get it. When you bat lefty and throw righty, and have Mets-AIDS, that can happen.

In many ways, this (still not over) season was glorious. What a fucking beautiful summer it was. Not a care in the world. The Mets dropped like flies and it didn’t matter. The season ending in June was a god damn blessing and real fans know it. I’ve been wandering this championshipless desert for 29 fucking years already. You just have no grit if you think this was an extra bad season and not just a regular ass bad season. Thor and Yo are all in for 2018. The window is still open. I’m sure when we’re doing well next season (not bloody likely), the bandwagoners will say they’ve been suffering. I hate bandwagoners. Meet me at the oasis. There is no oasis.

How Will Amed Rosario Die?


Rosario arrives many moments too late. But hey, all in for 2018.

Everyone loves him. It's a LOCK that he's great. Scouts unanimously name him an all-star. He'll be our shortstop for 15 years. Everyone loves him.

So how will this crash and burn? Here are some options:

-After batting below the Mendoza line for two years, the Mets trade him to the Yankees, where Amed miraculously "figures it out" and becomes the all-star he was born to be.

-taxi cab accident

-burned alive by Khaleesi

-shattered leg from a Chase Utley slide. The ump awards Chase an extra base for his bravery.

-hit in the head by a Scherzer fastball. The Mets do not retaliate.

-Everyone loves his throwing arm. So the smart money is on his arm falling off during a routine throw to 1st.

-chair drops on his head during baby Jeffy Jewpon's bar mitzvah.

The biggest question: WHEN will things go horribly wrong for Amed?

-Now. Things just never pan out. He never gets the bat going and never pushes past mediocrity. Similar to Montero or Milledge, he's just another overhyped prospect. Maybe not "overhyped" but just due to Metsaids, things never work out.

-During a stretch run next year. In a late-summer pennant race, Amed gets hurt in-game and goes down for the year. The deflated Mets lose the game and sign a retired Reyes to fill in, and the Mets miss the playoffs by 1 game. *I would say Amed getting hurt next Summer is more likely than just being a bust, but in order for this prophecy to come true, the Mets would have to be in a pennant race. Not bloody likely!

Good luck, Amed. You're doomed. Yo is still the savior so no pressure and all-in for 2018 when everyone's (not) healthy.

Valar Metsghoulis. All Mets must die.

Duda Traded, Smith Not Called Up

Duda's face after watching a replay of the throw home he made in Game 5 of the 2015 World Series.

Duda traded. Great. Sad for a half second. Did we get a good return? Well, Drew Smith is a reliever, so regardless of his stats, Terry is sure to blow his arm out. It doesn't matter.

The bigger issue is that Dom Smith was not called up. Why not? It doesn't even hurt that kike Jeff Wilpon's wallet. So what the fuck? I guess it's Wilmer time at 1B? I want to rant and rave about how retarded they are for not bringing up their 1B prospect (that every scout has deemed ready) but the truth is, in this meaningless season, I like the idea of keeping Dom as far away from Ray Ramirez as possible. As important as major league experience is, the Mets are not a major league team, so it's a moot point.

Duda will be remembered as the guy that beat Ike "The Franchise" Davis for the starting job by batting .230, a solid 100 points higher than Davis. When reached for comment, Duda said, "they really didn't bring up Smith?" Ike "Say Hay Fever" Davis, when reached for comment, said, "achoo!"

Bonus Blow: Flexen has somehow made Monterrible a middle-of-the-rotation starter by default. Wow! The depth!! Horses in the stable! Montero wouldn't get the bump for my softball team, and here he is in the middle of the Mets' rotation. Remember when he was a shining prospect of hope? Pray for Dom and Amed.

If Brandon Nimmo Dies, Can Ray Ramirez Be Charged With Murder?

Dead. Still smiling 🙂

Nimmo has a collapsed lung. He might actually die. He’s dead for sure. But dead dead? Ned Stark dead? That’d be the worst case of Mets-aids that I’ve ever heard of.

Collapsed lung. That’s where we’re at right now. All-star break means Mets can’t lose for 4 days. Then again, Conforto could get dead. Ray Ramirez will be there. All-star trainer!

Pray for Nimmo. Pray for Sandy to make big moves. Pray for Amed. 

The Mets Should Have Beaned Posey


God fucking dammit the Mets blow. Conforto is dead. Hit in the wrist and the injury was mismanaged, of course, and now he’s dead. But where was the retribution?! This is part of it, people!! It’s not just on Ramirez. Teams aren’t scared of us! They can hit Conforto no biggie! Hard slides (Utley-Tejada lolz) on em? Sure! The Mets are soft! We should’ve beaned Posey. At least plunk somebody! FUCK!! Coach Wally wouldn’t let this shit fly. Conforto for fucks sake! On a 3-2 pitch. 

Gsellman’s best contribution to the team this season is that he got hurt (dead) today and said, “we’re dropping like flies.” I like it. Really callin’ out the shittiness. They’re so bad. Ray Ramirez should be arrested for genocide.