If You’re Gonna Concuss Someone, At Least Catch the Fuckin’ Ball

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Things that got DROPPED: First the ball, then Conforto

Mets looooose. Let’s break it down:

Sanchez, the Nats’ starter, died. In like the 2nd inning? And the Nats have a terrible bullpen! Maybe we won’t lose! Wheeler only gave up 4 runs in the first inning. That should be surmountable.

Whoa! We scored 4! Go Conforto Go! Big dinger!

Damn, Wheeler really got done up. Nats have his number. We’re losing again. We’re definitely going to lose.

The Nats are bad. REALLY BAD. Not for the whole season, but RIGHT NOW IN THIS SERIES THEY ARE BAD. They can’t turn a dp for shit. Worst bullpen in the league. And we still lost 2 out of 3. No Scherzer. No Strasburg. No Turner. We’ll never get an opportunity like this against the Nats again. Blown. Blooooown.

McNeil injured. We’re fooked. Ab tightness. I guess it’s beach season.

Conforto got fucking DROPPED by Cano. He’s dead. Concussed. Dead. Whatever. Nice collision. Oh and nobody caught the ball. Oh and that easy pop-up became a double. Oh and he scored. Oh and we lost by 1 run. Oh. Oh. Blow.

We never had a fucking chance with today’s lineup.

I know we don’t have a 3rd catcher, but if anyone with even halfway decent speed pinch ran for Ramos, we would’ve tied it up. Callaway could’ve been creative. Have deGrom run. Or have Broxton run and have deGrom (or Thor or Matz) PH there or something. Do anything but what you did. This isn’t hindsight, either. I was screaming at the TV.

What a game. Mets blow.

Doin’ A Little Flexen

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Flexen got sent down as I prepared this article

 

Crybaby faggots will blame umpire Angel Hernandez. He’s a Mexican bitch who should be deported. We all know this. This isn’t new. He’s been terrible for decades. He’s consistently referred to as “terrible” by MLB players, coaches, and fans. He shrunk the strike zone in the 18th inning when we had a lead for fucks sake. I’m not here to apologize for Angel Hernandez, who is a filthy, dirty Mexican who should be deported. I’m a big “deport Angel Hernandez” guy. We all are. That’s all well and good.

I’m also not here to give the Brewers any credit. They are terrible. Ryan Jew Braun is a pipsqueak without the hard juicing and of course is one of the biggest faggots of all time because he screamed, “VINDICATED!!!!” when MLB screwed up his drug test and changed the + to a -, only for his next drug test to be + six months later. He couldn’t quietly take the W. He cheated on his roids test, passed, and then roid raged out about how unfair it was that he got tested. Then, he failed his next test when they wouldn’t let him cheat again. Amazing. The delusion. Amazing. As delusional as Jews who still think the Holocaust happened. Again, the Brewers deserve no credit. It took them 2 whole innings to score on Flexen. That’s terrible. That’s 2 innings longer than it should take. The fact that it took the Brewers 18 innings to beat the Mets with Rosario making 3 errors and an umpire who was cheating on your behalf is next level doodoo. Brewers: you are terrible without Yelich.

But let’s do a little Flexen, here. Been hittin the Nautilus room. Do a little Flexen, give the fans a show. Flexen got sent down, thankfully, as I prepared this article. Of course, they’ll excuse it as “after 18 innings, we need fresh arms for the bullpen” because we need to protect the fragile egos of soft pussy ass professional athletes, nowadays. I’ve got nothing against the guy. He looks like a good guy. Probably loves his mom. Probably loves Jesus. All good things. But you’re terrible. Goodbye. Don’t come back. Rosario? You’re terrible, too. You also need to be sent down. I hope you figure it out and come back but it’s probably not gonna happen ’cause you’re terrible. Gimenez time! Maybe we can trade Rosario. Any team need a guy who makes 3 errors per game?

P.S. Special thanks to the Mets for giving 2 full games worth of blow in 1. Usually you have to pay double for that kind of action. Worst game in Mets history? Possibly. Gotta love all the pitchers complaining about juiced baseballs this season and yet we haven’t scored in fucking FOREVER. We’ve got like, what, 5 runs in the last 45 innings? And one was a homer by a pitcher? Mets blooooooow.

P.P.S. When the Mets took a 3-2 lead in the top of the 18th, with Flexen set to come back for his 2nd inning of work in the bottom half, it’s moments like that that you NEED a bookie on call at all times. Statistically, you’re bound to get good odds betting against a team that is leading in the middle of the 18th. The outcome was the LOCK OF THE FUCKING CENTURY.

Mets Are Not Gonna End Up in Last But Rest Assured They Are Doodoo

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Who, me?
My god they are doodoo. Let’s bunt with 2 strikes again yaaaay. Oh and then after Lagares gets bailed out (prolly shoulda been out cuz that HBP hit the bat, too), let’s NOT bunt! That Nimmo K was a hundo p lock. Callaway might not yet know he’s in the NL. Fortunately, he knows Alonso can mash our way out of these awful fucking games.

I have no problem with Thor calling Alonso “Polar Bear.” Noah, I have an animal name for you: Overrated doodoo bear who will never live up to the hype. And I was at the Bumgarner WC game, too. Have you pitched well since? You was my braza, man! Shut the fuck up, stop hurting yourself all the time, and pitch better.

My god we tried hard to lose this fucking game. Passed balls leading to dingers and all. El Sugar was not so sweet. I’m sure Kelenic will be a perennial all-star while Sugar gives us heart attack after heart attack. Cano really scoffed at Davis, too. I liked that. Not roid rage. Just roid passive-aggressiveness. Was good. Way to lead the kids, Robbie. Davis was completely in the wrong, fucking up play after play. It was atrocious. Welllll, we should be 4-0, but we’re a pretty bad a team. Fortunately, we’re playing worse teams.

Doofus Scouting Alert: Don’t throw fuckin meatballs to Trea Turner and Starlin Castro

 

Cespedes Injured 1 Day After Being Activated and I’m Dead From the Lolz

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[Footage of Yo’s foot]
I’m ded. Legit ded from the lolz. Is this the most Metsian thing of all time? Ray Ramirez’s ghost also re-deaded from the lolz? Truly hilarious.

Cespedes came back from the DL yesterday, hit a (Yankee Stadium baby bitch) dinger, said, “my heels kinda hurt,” and OOPS he’s out for 10 months. Surgery time! No joke, Callaway said, “I didn’t know he said that” when asked about it. Real quote. The awareness!

Perhaps even funnier: he might not get the surgery right away. The Mets might opt to have him play. UNFUCKINGREAL. Because we’re so competitive this year? I dunno what the fuck will happen from here but let me take some wild guesses: 1) the Mets will fuck this up worse and Cespedes will never be healthy as a Met ever again, and 2) the Mets will lose a shitload of games. Whoa, call me Nostradamus.

P.S. I can hit a home run in Yankee baby bitch stadium. Lock. It’s the dumbest stadium ever. Wes Mantooth is assuredly pissed and wants the Yankees to stop hiding behind those phony numbers. Remember when Grandy hit like 50 dingers there? Yeesh. Judge and Stanton not having 80 each is sad for them.

The Mets Haven’t Lost in 4 Days

The answer my friend, is blowin in the wind

Welcome to the 2nd half of what many are calling the greatest Mets season since 1962. Will we lose 100 games? Could we be more lovable? I say yes to the first, no to the second. I love this team. Absolutely fucking love it. From where there was once pain, now there is only emptiness. And that emptiness is mystical. Do you know how much it would suck if I cared? What’s that stage of torture called when you stop feeling it? Did I make that up? After all your appendages are cut off, there’s nothing left to cut. Feels great!

So are the Mets gonna trade deGrom? Well, why do what the Cubs and Astros did? It’s not like blowing up the team and rebuilding worked for them. I mean, they barely each won a world series. BARELY. Took both of em 7 games. Pathetic.

So the Jewpons can’t see into the future but can they see the present? Their argument of, “we can’t trade deGrom because he’s the only player that puts asses in the seats and we’re still crippled from Madoff and we need to make money this season” is inaccurate, right? I wouldn’t know, but are people really going to games? People go to deGrom games? I feel like real deGrom fans should want him traded. I sure do. He deserves so much better. I love deGrom. He’s got the stuff and he’s a fuckin role model. Genuine. Wonderful. Way too fucking good for this team.¬†Hopefully he doesn’t go to the Yankees but they’ve got plenty of farm talent. deGrom for Gaybar and some prospects. Gotta do it, right? I hear he might go to the Cubs. WHATEVER. It doesn’t matter. Even if he is Sandy Koufax good (he is), he’s still completely apexing RIGHT NOW. His value will never be higher and our need will never be bigger. Scratch that, we’ll always need something because we’ll always blow.

Scratch this whole article. Even if we get Gaybar or ANYONE, it doesn’t matter. We’ll screw it up. Any great farm talent will be taken out back and shot in due time. Nothing will change until the Jewpons’ horns are shaved and their throats cut. Not caring is great. Why is anyone going to the games? The best way to stick it to the owners is to boycott.

P.S. I hear Yo is back. TIME TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND!! We’re only about 70 games out with 70 games left!

P.P.S. How the fuck has Familia not been traded yet?

P.P.P.S. The Mets play the Yankees this weekend. Welcome to our World Series 2018. Thor & deGrom pitch this series. Let’s see how we blow it for em.

P.P.P.P.S. How many Jewpons does it take to trade deGrom and give the Mets a fighting chance in 2020? The answer is 2. 2 to die in the Holocaust and then give sole ownership rights to me so I can make the damn trade.

Syndergaard’s Dead

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He dead, yo.

Syndergaard’s on the DL. Yo we know is already dead. Conforto already missed a month and is always one swing away from popping that shoulder back out. Even deGrom has missed starts. And when he starts, he’ll let up 1 run or fewer and leave with a no-decision and the Mets will lose late, anyway.

It was never Ray Ramirez. Well, it was, but not ONLY him. It has always been the Wilpons. We should all hold hands outside of Citifield and one-by-one kill ourselves until the Wilpons agree to sell. It’s the only way. Actually, fuck killing ourselves. Somebody hire a Faceless Man to give Jeff Wilpon a gift.

Let’s take bets. Thor’s on the 10-day DL. How many days until he pitches again? 10 days? 10 weeks? 10 years? The answer is NEVER AGAIN in a Mets uniform. He will not heal until he’s got those Yankee pinstripes on. Then it’ll be Cy Young after Cy Young after championship after championship. Actually, he prolly won’t win the Cy Young because deGrom (also a Yankee) will.

Please trade them. Please trade them. Please trade them. Not because they’re hurt. Not because we’ll get good prospects in return (because we all know we’ll just fuck their careers up, too). Please trade them because I like them. I want deGrom to get wins. I want Thor to throw a baseball again. It won’t happen on the Mets. Fuck the Mets. I want my guys to be happy. I’d rather them be happy on another team (preferably somewhere far away like Seattle) than stuck here in this Jew desert wandering astray forever.

 

The Mets Didn’t Trade Harvey for Arenado

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Ooooops!

So obviously the ship has been completely straightened out after beating the worst team in the majors by 1 run last night and hitting a few dingdongs in the smallest park outside of baby bitch Yankee Stadium. But still, we need to address this past weekend:

Nolan Arenado and the Rockies swept the Mets in Queens (after the Mets had already lost about fifty in a row). Arenado hit about 8 home runs and made slick play after slick play. He was the star of the weekend while Matt Harvey got DFA’d. For those unfamiliar with the term, DFA stands for “Designated For Assignment” which is a nice way of saying that he got cut. DFA also stands for Double Fucked Anally, which is also apt. DFA aaalllso stands for Dairy Farmers of America, which wouldn’t normally be relevant except for the fact that Cespedes has a farm because he’s a boss like that.

Somewhere around 3~4 years ago, when #HarveyDay was reminding people of Doc Gooden, Nolan Arenado was being shopped around by the Rockies. Would a direct 1-for-1 trade have happened? Probably. Would a package deal involving Harvey and a couple of scrubs like D’Arnaud have happened? Definitely. I remember being bombarded by hopeful Mets fans (sad) after I said we should trade him. “BUT WAIT! Harvey is the CHOSEN ONE! Can’t do it!” What team do you even root for? Even the Mets’ brass themselves mentioned that there was no need for a 3rd baseman. Ah, of course! We have David Wright! 3rd base is FULL!!! Cut to 2018, Arenado has led the majors in awesomeness for the past 3 years (check the stats…he’s got more ribeyes than anyone, and that’s just the start of it) while Harvey has been cut (still reminding us of Doc Gooden!), Wright has been dead forever, and the rest of us have all been DFA’d over and over again. Meet the Mets! Greet the Mets! One helluva history of could’ve-beens with guys named Nolan.

P.S. The Mets are fully to blame for all of this. Doc Gooden–at 19 years old–was given the keys to the fucking NYC castle. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Then the Jew media spun things to make it look like Doc was some asshole who hurt his teammates and hurt himself. This city swallows people up! Fast forward to now, and it’s the same fucking thing. Maybe take some fucking accountability for your stud young players. They’re kids blowing the fuck up waaay too quickly in the fastest city in the world. It’s not on them. Help them grow one time for me. See the pattern. Or better yet, trade them.

P.P.S. If we’re really gonna come full circle with the Doc Gooden analogy, get ready for Harvey to throw a no-hitter in pinstripes next year. Sad for my team and me.