mets

Thor: “I’ve got blisters on me fingers.”

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Day 1 and we’ve got Thor, Matz, and Wheeler all out already! Mets baseball, baby! We’re back! And Lugo’s dead, too, thanks to the WBC. 

Let’s go over today’s game, shall we?

1) Thor left early with a blister. Uhhh, ok, fine, whatever. TC said he’s fine. We toootally believe it. It’s an omen. 

2) The Mets couldn’t hit Teheran for shit. Shocker.

3) The Braves pen is atrocious. They walk batters at little league rates.

4) D-Wright got a monstrous cheer during the player intros. It sent chills up his spine. No, wait, that’s just the disease. 

The Mets seemingly always win on Opening Day, and today was no different. We’ll take the W. We’ll pray for Thor’s fanga. Pray pray pray. 
Up Next: Big Bart (the only consistently healthy and good Mets starter for the past 3 years) goes up against deGrom. Jacob is better. Jacob is the best and seemingly healthy again (for now). But maaaan the Mets are fucking retarded for letting Colon go.  

Lagares Dead. Matz Probably Dead. Conforto Doomed.

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Lagares dead? Duhhhh. Expected. Obvious. He has no place on the Mets and why would want any value out of a gold glover? Plummet that trade value, boys.

Matz with a “minor” elbow flare-up. Kenan? Kenan?! Whatcha mean, minor? Huh? Awwwww, here it goes.

So now the Mets are gonna have Conforto rot on the bench instead of getting his reps in the minors. Both answers are wrong. We should’ve traded him two years ago for Arenado. Now the Mets are in his head. Bumgarner and all lefties are in his head. Hey, wait, that’s fucking baseball! If you can’t deal with asshole owners and asshole pitchers, you can’t be a ballplayer. So get tough, get your bp in, and make the most of your starts. A crowded OF is good. Be a fucking major leaguer. Spell Grandy because he’s old. I’m glad Bruce wasn’t traded. I’m glad Conforto wasn’t traded (for anyone other than Arenado) and now, thanks to a “lucky” injury to Lagares, the incompetent brass is forced to make the correct move. 

Familia Lighting It Up…Grrrreeeeeaat

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Familia pumped up after a meaningless win. Also, watermarks can suck it. Photo by Metsblow 😉
Wow, it’s lit! Lit fam! 101 on the (likely bullshit) radar gun. In a game where the Dominicans were up by 7, no less. Way to turn up! Can your wife catch a baseball thrown that fast? Hey, it’s a cultural thing! (Seriously, it’s a cultural thing). 

I guess I’m not too mad about Fam blowing his arm out in March because he’s gonna get suspended anyway. That’ll give him time to recouperate. 

While we’re at it, TC is a fucking moron for bringing in Fam during that WC game while tied. Save situations only, you dingbat. Even I defend Terry when it comes to most shit being the Jewpons’ fault, but for fucks sake, learn to manage the arms, leatherface! 

Mexican Salas Too Mexican for Trump America

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They took’r jobs!!

Salas can’t legally play with the Mets because of problems with his work Visa. Andelay, Los Mets! Well it’s about time Trump did something right. Let’s ban these Mexicans once and for all, right holmes?

Salas, which sounds like a Mexican dish–some kind of salad salsa, will be playing in the WBC for Team Mexico. Adios, muchacho! 

Apparently, it’ll all be fixed before the season starts. But knowing how lazy Mexicans are, I’m sure Salas will just siesta in his hammock with his sombrero tipped over his eyes and his poncho gently swaying in the breeze rather than applying for a new Visa. Hopefully, the wall will be constructed by the time Salas is set to return and he won’t be allowed in. We can replace him with a red-blooded American who can’t do the job nearly as well and demands higher pay. Vamanos, Los Mets! 

This Isn’t News: Wright is Dead

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Uhhhh…so? How fucking fast asleep are you people? I told you guys he was dead years ago. You actually bought Opening Day tickets expecting to see Wright at 3rd base? Hey, maybe he’ll be there to shorthop balls to 1st that Duda can’t scoop. Oh, wait, Duda is dead, too. 

Should we have traded the farm for Arenado? Absolutely. But it’s too late for that. Pray for Reyes’ health. Anyone who thought Wright would be playing 3B this year is a fucking invalid just like David is. Grow up, kids. Captain America has been dead for years. We love him. All-time Mets great. But holy shit, focus on 2017. We don’t really have a backup for the injury-prone Reyes. Wilmer? Ha! I’d rather see Wright out there with a broken spine. He’d still be quicker to the ball than Wilmer. Mets blow. 

Yo Mashed, Plawecki Died

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The headline says it all. Yo looks stronger than ever! Aaaaand we have no catcher. 

But really, who cares about Plawecki? He’s trash. TDA is also trash. It ain’t like Conforto (who just hit a dinger, btw). Conforto is still young young YOUNG, especially in terms of MLB XP. TDA not so much. He’s already an injury-plagued has-been. 

David Wright is Dead

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Backiotomy

David Wright said he feels great, his back is feeling is great, and the only real hurdle left to clear is throwing a baseball.

Someone remind me. I’m a little confused. I’m still a little comatose after the WC game. It’s been a dark Winter. I’ve lost my faculties. I am SO SORRY to bother you but PLEASE REMIND ME BECAUSE I FUCKING FORGOT: Is throwing a baseball important? Is that a thing? Is that like…maybe something you’ll have to do if you play 3rd base?

Alderson is saying Wright is still the starter and can hopefully play for the entire season. Why lie about this? Just say that Reyes is probably gonna be the guy. Stop lying. Stop treating the Cap’n with kid gloves. You failed to get Arenado (you should trade the farm for him…including Conforto) but Reyes can do the job. Just stop fucking lying. David Wright is dead.

Hey, why not start Wright at 1st? Duda’s dead, too. Oh, I see Bruce is taking reps there. I guess we’re full!

Tebow Loves Murph (Not in THAT Way!)

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Metsblog aces always reporting the hard-hitting shit

So uhhh…this is too perfect. Yes, Tim, as you know, the secret is prayer. Nobody prays harder than Murph. Great mentor. Maybe y’all can go bash some homos together after BP. 

I don’t give a fuuuuuck that Tebow is a little Christian pussy bitch. If he can hit like Murph (zero percent chance), I’ll take it! 

I guess I’m Up?

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It says, “hope springs eternal,” ok? It went by quickly on my TV and this was all I could snap. You get the idea. Fuck you.

Welllll, we got GOT again, Mets fans. MLBTV put out a god damn ad essentially letting Mets fans know that the only thing worse than being a basement team is being an also-ran.

I’ve been in a coma since attending a certain 1-game playoff game a few months ago. Mr. Metsblow went catatonic, which is admittedly better than Mr. Familia beating his wife. Hey, it’s a cultural thing!

Lost Tolo. Signed Yo. Get your sleeves ready. This commercial really jolted me. I hope they paid Thor for it. But basically (totally paraphrasing) he tweeted out that October baseball sucks ass (for Mets fans) and is awesome in March. That sounds about right. 

Ya gotta believe? Oh, the rotation is stacked? I think it’s missing 300lbs aka our definitive #2 starter from last year. Not to mention an affordable healthcare plan. The Jewpons won’t even spring for painkillers for Matz. We did get Yo. We bee-leeve in Yo. Yo is proven. The rotation has not proven to be more than competitive with potential for either greatness or decimation from injury. 

Alderson Hopeful Wright Plays 120+ Games

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David Wright – artist rendering

Uhhhh, what the fuck are you talking about, Sandy? Did the booze get to you at the winter meetings? Or the pills? Or the hookers? 

The Nats signed Chris Sale.* They lost Melancon but he went to the Giants. I guess Bumgarner can’t pitch every inning. They’re making moves. I actually think our IF is okay, but we oughta get Trumbo. We should definitely get Chapman and Jansen. What, we’re not gonna get Chapman because he beat his wife? Familia’s gonna get suspended for the same fucking thing. 

Reyes can play 3rd. Our IF is okay, but Sandy, baby, you were doing well. We got Yo. Shut up about Wright. He’s dead. Hey, TDA blows/will get hurt so why not have Wright play catcher? He’ll be fine. 

*Update: Bahahah the Nats blew it. Got hoodwinked by the Sawx. Well, now they get to keep Giolito. Could be a blessing for ’em. Hopefully they’ll find another way to screw it up.** Meanwhile Yankees GM Cashman calls the Sawx the Warriors?! Uhhhh, wake up, fag. People call the Warriors the Yankees. Get a grip, motherfucker.

**Nats indeed found a way to screw it up. They dished Giolito (and more–a massive dump) for Eaton. Fine, bring on Eaton. Seems really dumb. It’s the rest of the division I’m worried about. Mainly just the Mets blowing is always the biggest concern.