Thor: “I’ve got blisters on me fingers.”

Day 1 and we’ve got Thor, Matz, and Wheeler all out already! Mets baseball, baby! We’re back! And Lugo’s dead, too, thanks to the WBC. 

Let’s go over today’s game, shall we?

1) Thor left early with a blister. Uhhh, ok, fine, whatever. TC said he’s fine. We toootally believe it. It’s an omen. 

2) The Mets couldn’t hit Teheran for shit. Shocker.

3) The Braves pen is atrocious. They walk batters at little league rates.

4) D-Wright got a monstrous cheer during the player intros. It sent chills up his spine. No, wait, that’s just the disease. 

The Mets seemingly always win on Opening Day, and today was no different. We’ll take the W. We’ll pray for Thor’s fanga. Pray pray pray. 
Up Next: Big Bart (the only consistently healthy and good Mets starter for the past 3 years) goes up against deGrom. Jacob is better. Jacob is the best and seemingly healthy again (for now). But maaaan the Mets are fucking retarded for letting Colon go.  

Colon Signs with Braves

This is a fucking tragedy. We went to the voting booths with confidence. We believed we’d win. But our worst fears have been realized. We failed. This is a dark day for Metsblow Nation. The Braves signed Colon for 1yr/12.5mil. The world just keeps turning for the worse. Tiz the life of a Mets fan. 

Just sign Yo. For the love of Gawd. I think I can make it through the next 4 years if we have Yo. 

Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry

Hey, why not leave the lefty specialist in against the righty? It’s not like it’s September and we have extra arms in the pen! What could go wrong? Aaaand it’s gone. Only Girardi has a worse hook than you. At least you’re in the NL. He really has no excuse. I can’t believe how many people get paid maaaaad money to do a job worse than I could do it.

So Bruce can’t field now, huh? What a costly brain fart out there. The Garcia HR off of Blevins is really what blew it, so I blame Terry, but Bruce has one major case of METS disease. He got benched for Soupman for fucks sake!

Boy oh boy these are two bad teams. Once the Mets were down 2-1 off of Bruce’s brain fart and some BBs, I thought it was for sure over. We ain’t gettin’ more than 1 off of Teheran. But the Braves pinch hit for him (as they look to next season–a season in which they will compete and we better watch the fuck out) and tried to give us the game back. No thanks, we blow.

Our shittiness against the braves will probably just knock us out altogether, and it’s actually big for the “intradivision” tiebreaker, too. We will certainly lose that tiebreaker. Oops! Mets blow. 

That Was So Obvious

After strugg-a-ling so mightily against the lowly Twins, you knew we were bound to lose. Keith loves the spunky Braves. They’ve changed their identity after the ASB. We knew they’d try to go oppo against Thor. It was all so obvious. 

We’re 9-8 against the Braves this season. Does that sound like a playoff team to you? Fucking mooks. Teheran looms large.

The Bastard!


Well, Bastardo’s ERA was infinity last night. 3 runs and 0 outs. BRILLIANT! It’s the walks, really. He has no control. He walked, he balked, he sucked. And it has really been all season. He was really good with the Pirates. I don’t get it. He got paid, maybe? How do you lose command of your fastball so easily? What a bastard. Somewhere, Lyanna Stark is crying, “promise me, Sandy, promise me you’ll find a better reliever.”

It’s not all on him. Colon let up a solo dinger to Freeman (why is he pitching to him at all!?) and that was the game. Colon pitched great coming off of getting hit in the hand by a comebacker last outing but he’s gotta know it’s zeroes or bust with this team. Talk to deGrom about it.

Nimmo 0-4. Take it slow, buddy. Reyes 0-3 in Brooklyn. Oops.

Another classic Mets loss. Another sinfully boring game. We avoided the shutout in garbage time, but peeeeeee-ew what a stinker. A split with Los Bravos woooow we blow. 2-5 in our last seven games against them. Wow. Good thing the Nats blow, too, and we’re only 3 games out. On to Washington D.C. to take back the white house, BYAAAHH!!




You’re gonna sit there and tell me that winning a game 8-6 when you had an 8-0 lead is something to fucking celebrate? Mets fucking blooooow. I think I heard Matz’s elbow pop from my couch.

I’ll “celebrate” when the Mets win this fucking series against the worst god damn team ever. Collins had the fucking balls to say, “the Braves are playing well right now” to the media. WHAT A SPIN!


Worst Loss of the Year


Let me take you through this game one beat at a time…

~La Potenciaaaaaa!!

~Matz is dealing. That’s good. Got an edge on lefty Freeman.

~I love Loney’s aggression. Braves suck. With flawless execution, Loney would have been out by 15 feet. Like the Royals, stupidly aggressive baserunning works against teams that can’t play baseball. I also love the sarcastic cheer when we got a run in NOT via the HR. Standing ovation.

~Frenchie! Damn, still up 3-2. Gotta hold them. Cancel the season if we lose this game/series to the Braves. You know 3 runs is our quota. We ain’t scoring again. Not against the LEEETHAL Braves pen.

~Collins is taking Matz out!? FUCK COLLINS. 99 pitches. Are you fucking kidding me? Who are we bringing in? Henderson? OK, let’s see if we can g…FUUUUUUCCCKK COLLINS!!! (First pitch dinger…really impressive).

~We’re the worst team in the league. Inciarte could have scored on the previous wild pitch, but Rivera did just enough. Two fucking WPs in a row. He was only on 3rd because Grandy let him advance. Really amazing stuff. Ender’s gaming is hard. Go-ahead run on a sequence of events like that. Wow.

~Braves are TERRIBLE!! Error in the bottom of the 9th! Gotta take advantage.

~OOOOOOOOOH we’re the worst team ever!! Team speeeeeeeeed! Team baserunning! Ghosts of Murph! The stupid baserunning that Loney did earlier had NOTHING on this one. Flores was about by 30 feet. Could’ve been 2nd & 3rd and nobody out. We’re absolutely terrible. Worst game of the year.

Harvey Outdueled by Doo Doo Scrub

The headline says it all, no? We were held completely in check by John Gant. Gant?! I fucking can’t. This guy actually used to be in the Mets organization. I think we got Uribe for him. Or Jelly? Or both? Gant & Whalen for Uribe & Jelly. Whatever. Not to mention their dogshit bullpen also made us look bad.

Good for Loney for straight up saying, “the rule needs to be adjusted.” Unbelievable way for the game to end. You can’t grab a guy’s legs but woooow the league really can’t it right. Utley gets us again!

Another rule that needs adjusting: Wasn’t Gant’s delivery illegal? Give me a break.

Mets Lock Down Last Game of Homestand; Shitty Late-Night Road Trip Starts Today

Nobody’s staying up for these games.

Mets win Mets win sweet homestand Braves blow Harvey blows dingers dingers dingers. Whatever. Braves are terrible. Good for us for looking good.

Now for an 11 game west coast road trip. That’s a mouthful, like the title of this article. I’ll be staying up but I don’t have a job. I don’t even think most die hards watch these games. Keith–who hated doing these cold May games–wouldn’t be caught dead at these games. He’s got the whole trip off. 

Next time someone argues against the modern athlete, and you don’t feel like using the usual “steroids were pushed by the league and legal and a sign of the times and everybody did them so the playing field was even” argument, give them this: When the FUCK did athletes start having to play in NYC one night, and then in San Diego the next night? That’s gotta give a little asterisk to the stats. Wah wah wah those poor athletes on their private planes, right? Eh, you try it. I can’t breathe or hear or walk straight for 3 days after a flight like that, let alone crush dingers.