Did You Actually Think We’d Win Without Yo?

Thor and Yo puffin’ the devil’s lettuce
OK. I get it. 16 innings later, you wanna give Yo the day off. Fine. Stanton had the day off, too, but the Marlins have a much better–or at least more balanced–lineup. It would take at least 2 more boat crashes for them to have as shitty a team as we do.

Fortunately, we had Thor on the mound. Oops, his blister’s back. He’s dead. Nevermind. Why would the team doctors address that after it happened the first time? No waaaay it’ll happen again. Just put a bandaid on it. It’ll never happen again. Million to 1 shot. Probably never happen again. No way. It won’t cost us a win or anything. Totally probably doesn’t maybe it might happen again immediately.

But even if Thor stayed in, we didn’t hit for shiiiiiit. No Yo, no go. That’s all there is to it. 

P.S. Helluva throw by Conforto.

Thor: “I’ve got blisters on me fingers.”

Day 1 and we’ve got Thor, Matz, and Wheeler all out already! Mets baseball, baby! We’re back! And Lugo’s dead, too, thanks to the WBC. 

Let’s go over today’s game, shall we?

1) Thor left early with a blister. Uhhh, ok, fine, whatever. TC said he’s fine. We toootally believe it. It’s an omen. 

2) The Mets couldn’t hit Teheran for shit. Shocker.

3) The Braves pen is atrocious. They walk batters at little league rates.

4) D-Wright got a monstrous cheer during the player intros. It sent chills up his spine. No, wait, that’s just the disease. 

The Mets seemingly always win on Opening Day, and today was no different. We’ll take the W. We’ll pray for Thor’s fanga. Pray pray pray. 
Up Next: Big Bart (the only consistently healthy and good Mets starter for the past 3 years) goes up against deGrom. Jacob is better. Jacob is the best and seemingly healthy again (for now). But maaaan the Mets are fucking retarded for letting Colon go.  

I guess I’m Up?

It says, “hope springs eternal,” ok? It went by quickly on my TV and this was all I could snap. You get the idea. Fuck you.

Welllll, we got GOT again, Mets fans. MLBTV put out a god damn ad essentially letting Mets fans know that the only thing worse than being a basement team is being an also-ran.

I’ve been in a coma since attending a certain 1-game playoff game a few months ago. Mr. Metsblow went catatonic, which is admittedly better than Mr. Familia beating his wife. Hey, it’s a cultural thing!

Lost Tolo. Signed Yo. Get your sleeves ready. This commercial really jolted me. I hope they paid Thor for it. But basically (totally paraphrasing) he tweeted out that October baseball sucks ass (for Mets fans) and is awesome in March. That sounds about right. 

Ya gotta believe? Oh, the rotation is stacked? I think it’s missing 300lbs aka our definitive #2 starter from last year. Not to mention an affordable healthcare plan. The Jewpons won’t even spring for painkillers for Matz. We did get Yo. We bee-leeve in Yo. Yo is proven. The rotation has not proven to be more than competitive with potential for either greatness or decimation from injury. 

That Was So Obvious

After strugg-a-ling so mightily against the lowly Twins, you knew we were bound to lose. Keith loves the spunky Braves. They’ve changed their identity after the ASB. We knew they’d try to go oppo against Thor. It was all so obvious. 

We’re 9-8 against the Braves this season. Does that sound like a playoff team to you? Fucking mooks. Teheran looms large.

You Get a Bone Spur! You Get a Bone Spur! Bone Spurs for Everybody!

Ooooooh this team is SHOT!! Here comes Mets disease for everyone.

Matz is dead. Thor says that he’s fine but he sure did suck last night. We may never see either of them again.

I’m the stupidest. I actually got fooled. Thor got out of the 1st inning jam and we tacked on runs and I thought we were dialing in for the big series here. Ace on the mound. Nimmo with his first hit. Some key hits with RISP. Ahhhh nope, we’re terrible. Worst loss of the year. They keep finding new ways to outdo themselves.

Bastardo mopped it up nicely. Prolly his best outing all year.

HarveyDay today. He’s taking on their new stud prospect (ML debut). Get ready for “Giolito’s better” chants. DC folk probably aren’t clever enough to do it.

Flores the Cleanup Gawd!

Thor is the God of thunder but Flores is the God of cleaning up. Keep him there! Terry pushing all the right buttons! Most of the time, bases loaded with nobody out is right where the opponent wants us, but Flores hit a 40ft bomb and actually got us a run and hey, you’ll take it. He also hit an actual bomb later. 

I liked Reynolds’ AB in the 1st. That made it 3-0 and “broke the game open” with Noah on the hill. Lots of contributions tonight. Jelly hit the peanut butter out of one. Cespedes’ exit velocity averaged about a billion mph tonight. “He’s so strong,” said a fawning Keith. 

So, Metsblow and will probably score two or fewer tomorrow, but would you take it? If the season ended today, we’d be a wildcard team. Do you take it? Beggars can’t be choosers, right? Just get in? I wouldn’t take it today because we wouldn’t be able to put Thor on the mound for the play-in game. 

We Go As Yo Goes

He changes the whole damn lineup. He puts fear in the opposing pitcher’s heart. It’s all Yo and we all know this. When he’s dangerous, so is everyone else. Stick Conforto back in the 3-hole and let’s see him feast again. 

Not to mention Thor gettin it done for us. Nice rebound from the ejection game.

Rivera should catch every day. Everyone’s thinking it. 

Mets Sweep; Duda Dead

Thor is a god? Nice.

Conforto dinger? Nice.

Mets not really hitting against doodoo Brew Crew? Not nice. Got the sweep? Yeeeeeeah buuuuuut we didn’t hit well. 

Duda getting a 2nd MRI? Not nice. DEAD! TDA also dead. Wright dying. Way to walk it off on Saturday. 3-0 cookie yum yum. Hardest hit ball I’ve seen off his bat in a while. Pray. 

How bout Conforto plays 1st, Reynolds plays 3rd, and Lagares plays CF? That might not be so bad. I’m a 1B/LF and it works for me so it’ll work for Conforto. We are kin, yay.

Now we go to Washington. GO TIME! 

Thor is a God. Thor is a God. Thor is a God.

7 IP. 10 Ks. 0 BB. 0 R.

Chooooof. Fuck Scherzer. We came home, Grandy & Conforto hit solo dingers, and that’s all we needed.

1 down. Now Tolo (and both of his families) look to shut down the Nats again. We’re facing Gio. We’re fuuuuucked. We actually need Wright for this one, but his back is duuuuunzo.

Why does anyone give a shit about Tolo’s personal life? I guess he’s just so sexy that people have to know. Leave him and his bastards alone.

Deadpool: TDA never plays for the Mets again? Odds 2:1. He’s in Cali now with a personal trainer. He ain’t comin back. 

Thor, Gawd of Thunda!!

2 dingers! Thor had this to say: “Tonight was a direct result of Bartolo inspiring me to be a better man. #histrotwasbetter”

Gotta love the camaraderie and competition. Thor also let up 2 dingers but pitched a gem, otherwise. Very efficient but shitty hook Terry pulled him, anyway.

He was pulled after 8 for Fam in the 9th. That’s oooooookay, I guess. 

Other notes:

-Familia loves winning by 1 run. What’s up with that?

-Scrub ass Blanton has our number.

-AGon has the most stereotypical Carlos Mencia Mexican walk-up music.

-Campbell up with bases loaded?! We’re not a complete team end of story. 

Tonight: Colon v Kershaw! Ace v Ace!