Sandy Wants His Sandy Vagina Sucked for Getting Bruce Back

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Bruce said, “Thank God” when he was traded off the Mets last summer

Newsflash, Sandy: We don’t fucking caaaaaaare, dude. OK, you know what? We care a little bit. We care because Conforto’s shoulder is fucking dunzo and we care because we don’t want to see Nimmo starting every day. And Bruce does hit. So hoo-fucking-ray, the Bruce signing brings us back to being a 4th place team. Way to bring back a guy who bashed the shit out of the Mets harder than he bashes the ball and said, “thank god” when you traded him.

Oh don’t worry. That was laaast year’s Mets that Bruce was bashing. This year’s Mets will be good, so nobody will get frustrated and things won’t spiral out of control and players won’t beg to be traded and then openly celebrate when they get shipped to a competitive team. Tooootally gonna work out this time. Oh and Sandy got A-Gon, too? That’s awesome! Memba A-Gon? I memba! He was fucking great. This actually could be a nice signing. It really lets everyone know that Dom Smith is an immediate bust. Once Rosario gets Mets-AIDS, the circle of life will be complete again.

So why is this even worth writing about? It’s not. The Mets never are. But I just hated Sandy’s fuckin cocky ass attitude after the signing. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. He’s not Cespedes (which we still do give you credit for). He’s not Machado. I mean you can’t sign Bruce, then have the next message from official Mets’ brass be, “David Wright is working on a comeback,” and expect us to be cool. So 3B is legit Wright or Flores? WHAT YEAR IS IT!? Go fuck yourself. Wright at 3rd. Harvey pitching. Nice offseason, fag.

David Wright is Dead

Backiotomy

David Wright said he feels great, his back is feeling is great, and the only real hurdle left to clear is throwing a baseball.

Someone remind me. I’m a little confused. I’m still a little comatose after the WC game. It’s been a dark Winter. I’ve lost my faculties. I am SO SORRY to bother you but PLEASE REMIND ME BECAUSE I FUCKING FORGOT: Is throwing a baseball important? Is that a thing? Is that like…maybe something you’ll have to do if you play 3rd base?

Alderson is saying Wright is still the starter and can hopefully play for the entire season. Why lie about this? Just say that Reyes is probably gonna be the guy. Stop lying. Stop treating the Cap’n with kid gloves. You failed to get Arenado (you should trade the farm for him…including Conforto) but Reyes can do the job. Just stop fucking lying. David Wright is dead.

Hey, why not start Wright at 1st? Duda’s dead, too. Oh, I see Bruce is taking reps there. I guess we’re full!

Let Me Quelch the Trade Hype

He needs a Mets hat...I'd photoshop it but that'd be more work than the Mets' front office has done all year.
He needs a Mets hat…I’d photoshop it but that’d be more work than the Mets’ front office has done all year.

The Mets have not activated Bobby Parnell because, “there’s something to occur in the next few days,” according to Collins.

Sycophantic Metsblog is exploding with trade hype.

Remember last year when this happened? Jeff Wilpon announced a presser, stepped up the mic, and said, “ladies and gentlemen…we have acquired…BOYS II MEEEENNNNN!!!!”

They ALSO need Mets hats.
They ALSO need Mets hats.

That actually happened. Jeff Wilpon is actually that tone deaf to his fan base. Don’t get me wrong, Boys II Men are definitely NOT tone deaf. They are soulful and cool, but Jeff legitimately thought the fanbase would be appeased by that press conference. He went back to¬†the war room his playroom scratching his head wondering why the fanbase for a team that scores less than 3 runs/game wasn’t satisfied with his great announcement.

So what will it be this time? Will the Mets get Ryan Braun for Thor, Niese, and Montero in a blow-it-up deal? Not a fucking chance. It’s more likely that we’ll be trading George Costanza for Tyler Chicken. We’ll end up trading someone like Gee for Aramis Ramirez, which would be a terrible trade because Ramirez is garbage and the only running he’s doing is to retirement. But hey, not like we need a 3rd baseman, Wright will be back by May 15th! (*another Pinocchio picture could be placed here*)

Don’t get worked up, Metsblowers. This trade hype is doodoo. It’s all doodoo. Remember when the Mets traded Nolan Ryan away? Har har fucking har. We’re not so hot at trades.

We here at Metsblow have the best War Room money can’t buy. I am greatly appreciative for all the stats and insight that is provided to me through my war room. Today, this was brought to my attention:

Since Jose Reyes was let go, he has played in 430 games. D-Wright has played in 410.

When asked to comment on this, Jeff Wilpon said, “So you’re saying we should’ve let BOTH walk? I understand.” Nice one, Jeffy, you jew fuck asshole.

It’s funny how Jewness is such a debilitating disease. The short-sighted cheapness actually creates much larger money problems down the road. It’s like saying, “Oh, I don’t want to spend $500 on a lawyer, so I’ll just handle the case myself,” only to end up having the judge declare against you, and you lose hundreds of thousands as a result of your penny pinching.

Alderson and the rest of ’em will continue to play wait-and-see with Wright. They will continue to pinch the pennies. They will continue to be the Mets.

“Let’s see if Soup and Recker can get it going before making any rash decisions. No need to panic. Wright will be back by May 15th. And there’s no way any of our other key pieces–like Daniel Murphy or Juan Lagares–will get hurt. And besides, we’ve got Herrera and Kirk to sub in if we need them to.” -Sandy Alderson on May 10th.

P.S. We’ll see Reyes (and The Dickpiece) next week. We should be comfortably in 3rd place by then.

Sandy Alderson Isn’t Concerned…

Hrrrmmm...
Hrrrmmm…

Hey Sandy, are you concerned with Wilmer Flores, your purported starting SS for the foreseeable future, making ten errors and batting well below the Mendoza line?

“No,” said Sandy Alderson, the Mets GM, as he handed a hundred million dollars to Baby Jeffy Wilpon wrapped in a Mets snuggie that said, “Reyes 7” on the back of it.

Hey Sandy, are you concerned with Noah Syndergaard, your purported co-ace among aces for the foreseeable future, making multiple trips the MRI machine and experiencing forearm stiffness?

“No,” said Alderson, as he spoke with a funeral director about getting a grave plot next to, or at least in the vicinity of, Zack Wheeler’s tombstone.