Thor: “I’ve got blisters on me fingers.”

Day 1 and we’ve got Thor, Matz, and Wheeler all out already! Mets baseball, baby! We’re back! And Lugo’s dead, too, thanks to the WBC. 

Let’s go over today’s game, shall we?

1) Thor left early with a blister. Uhhh, ok, fine, whatever. TC said he’s fine. We toootally believe it. It’s an omen. 

2) The Mets couldn’t hit Teheran for shit. Shocker.

3) The Braves pen is atrocious. They walk batters at little league rates.

4) D-Wright got a monstrous cheer during the player intros. It sent chills up his spine. No, wait, that’s just the disease. 

The Mets seemingly always win on Opening Day, and today was no different. We’ll take the W. We’ll pray for Thor’s fanga. Pray pray pray. 
Up Next: Big Bart (the only consistently healthy and good Mets starter for the past 3 years) goes up against deGrom. Jacob is better. Jacob is the best and seemingly healthy again (for now). But maaaan the Mets are fucking retarded for letting Colon go.  

Alderson Hopeful Wright Plays 120+ Games

David Wright – artist rendering

Uhhhh, what the fuck are you talking about, Sandy? Did the booze get to you at the winter meetings? Or the pills? Or the hookers? 

The Nats signed Chris Sale.* They lost Melancon but he went to the Giants. I guess Bumgarner can’t pitch every inning. They’re making moves. I actually think our IF is okay, but we oughta get Trumbo. We should definitely get Chapman and Jansen. What, we’re not gonna get Chapman because he beat his wife? Familia’s gonna get suspended for the same fucking thing. 

Reyes can play 3rd. Our IF is okay, but Sandy, baby, you were doing well. We got Yo. Shut up about Wright. He’s dead. Hey, TDA blows/will get hurt so why not have Wright play catcher? He’ll be fine. 

*Update: Bahahah the Nats blew it. Got hoodwinked by the Sawx. Well, now they get to keep Giolito. Could be a blessing for ’em. Hopefully they’ll find another way to screw it up.** Meanwhile Yankees GM Cashman calls the Sawx the Warriors?! Uhhhh, wake up, fag. People call the Warriors the Yankees. Get a grip, motherfucker.

**Nats indeed found a way to screw it up. They dished Giolito (and more–a massive dump) for Eaton. Fine, bring on Eaton. Seems really dumb. It’s the rest of the division I’m worried about. Mainly just the Mets blowing is always the biggest concern.

It’s Official: We’re Bad


Well, we didn’t get no-no’d!

deGrom must have the highest ERA in the history of 3-3 pitchers in June, right? Those runs shouldn’t even be earned. Plawecki doesn’t make that error (btw he made another error later), everything’s changed. Way to help your pitcher out, Kevin! KEVIN! WHAT DID YOU TO MY ROOM!? What did you do to my team!?

We’re bad. We’re so bad. Trade the farm and Wright for Arenado. Let him finish his career smoking weed with Reyes on the Denver bench.


D-Wright on 15-Day DL

Hey look at me I'm sliding! I'm sliding! I'm dead!
Hey look at me I’m sliding! I’m sliding! I’m dead!

Welp, we’re out. Wright said he felt a pop. 15-day DL? More like out forever.

We have absolutely no depth. We’re bringing up Eric “Soupman” Campbell from AAA Vegas. We’re so bad we don’t even have a major league replacement for David. That’s ok, Soupman is hitting .550! Too bad that’s not as high as the .600 he was hitting at the roulette wheel.

The Metsblog hot take from Andrew “Vaggino” Vazzano said something like, “I hope Wright is healthy when he returns.” Wow, scorching hot take from Metsblog as usual. Keep hoping, Vag. Healthy Mets = AAA Mets. Talented Mets = dead.