money

Mets Sign Bastardo; Officially Out of Money

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The Mets have agreed to terms with lefty reliever Antonio Bastardo. The deal will be for $12 million over two years. Great deal. The bullpen is mediocre again! We replaced Clip. 

Bastardo, 30, posted a 2.98 ERA and 1.13 WHIP last season for the Pirates while striking out 64 batters in 57 1/3 innings. 
The Mets announced that they are now completely out of money. Enjoy this signing, Metsblow nation, because this is likely all we’re going to get. This is the peripeteia. This is that small reversal of fortune where we can feel good about our team for a minute before the Nats sign Cespedes. Here it comes. Can you feel it? Can you feel the Nats getting our #3 hitter from the World Series? They already took our cleanup hitter. 

At least we get to yell, “bastardo!” all season long like it’s Spanish Game of Thrones. They call him Señor Nieve. Or maybe it was yelled best by that greasy dude from Titanic. 

  
  

Talks Break Down With Duda

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Way to go you Jew fucks! Way to make Duda not want to be here a day before the season. Hopefully he takes it out on you by playing his way off the team.

Love Duda. The Dude. Speak softly and carry a big stick. I think the Mets should lock him up! Pay heem. Pay zat man heez mahnee. 

So naturally the Mets nickel and dimed him (likely just pennies) and well…say bye-bye to the only 30 dinger guy on the team! Move the fences in for him and then lose him to free agency! At least that’s not as bad as what they did with Reyes: Build a stadium for him and then don’t even make an offer! 

P.S. Duda will hit 30 dingers this year and his price will go Up Up UP! 

P.P.S. The Mets claim that Madoff is no longer an issue? So what’s your fuckin excuse now?! The entire Madoff “issue” was just a lie. They’re criminals. They’re just cheap Jew fucks. 

Cold Stove Report: Mets Will Not Sign Phil Coke

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Metsblog wrote that we won’t be signing Phil Coke. Such news!

I love how the Jewbrass has Metsblog write these articles so it LOOKS like they’re trying. “Oh, see! We were close to a deal! We tried to spend money! That’s why there’s an article on it!”

The reality: Alderson picked up a phone, called Coke’s agent, made a ridiculous Jew lowball offer, and they hung up on us. Mets’ Cold Stove.

Mets sign Duda aka Mets do something right aka let’s see how this one fucks us over

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Avoiding salary arbitration is good. Good job Mets.

Fences in! 30 (40!?) dingers from Duda!

I’m so happy we have Duda. I felt the same way about Ike roughly 2 years ago. The, “finally, we don’t have a question mark at 1B” feeling.

Keep Lucas the FUCK away from haystacks and pollen.

Why has Sandy Alderson made so few big-league trades?

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Over on Metsblog, this question was asked.

Here is Matt Cerrone’s response: Interesting, yes, but also kind of meaningless without context…I don’t think we have enough information yet…I agree, they’re not off to an impressive start in terms of acquiring big-league talent, but I can’t say with certainly why that is…

Nice question dodging, Matt! Very deft! Very PR-savvy! Bullets are flying by you like in the Matrix. I know the Mets pay you for these puppet minion answers, but knowing the Mets it can’t be THAT much.

Here is the real answer: Beacuse the Wilpons are cheap Jew fucks. They own a New York City team on a Monrovian budget and it compromises every faction of the franchise.

Jew Alert! Jew Alert! Mets players paying out of pocket for offseason workouts?!

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Adam Rubin (ESPN New York) and Mets’ strength coach Mike Barwis have apparently confirmed this.

When I read this, I honestly thought I was reading one of my own satire pieces here at Metsblow. I can’t believe it. Is this real? Where am I?

This really is the beauty of Metsblow. The articles write themselves. Thanks Jeffy! Keep doing you, you fucking Jew snake bastard.

Get your tickets?

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Mets.com just emailed me to let me know the home opener is 3 months away…

Oh the audacity. Oh the rape culture of it all. They’re just casually reminding me to return to the frat house for more sin. And I have to pay? They should be paying us to fill the fucking seats.

I watch every game. From my couch. With my hdtv. On cable. That’s enough $ shelled out to their scam. I’ll pay for a ticket when you pay for a fucking baseball team.