Doin’ A Little Flexen

New York Mets v Cincinnati Reds
Flexen got sent down as I prepared this article

 

Crybaby faggots will blame umpire Angel Hernandez. He’s a Mexican bitch who should be deported. We all know this. This isn’t new. He’s been terrible for decades. He’s consistently referred to as “terrible” by MLB players, coaches, and fans. He shrunk the strike zone in the 18th inning when we had a lead for fucks sake. I’m not here to apologize for Angel Hernandez, who is a filthy, dirty Mexican who should be deported. I’m a big “deport Angel Hernandez” guy. We all are. That’s all well and good.

I’m also not here to give the Brewers any credit. They are terrible. Ryan Jew Braun is a pipsqueak without the hard juicing and of course is one of the biggest faggots of all time because he screamed, “VINDICATED!!!!” when MLB screwed up his drug test and changed the + to a -, only for his next drug test to be + six months later. He couldn’t quietly take the W. He cheated on his roids test, passed, and then roid raged out about how unfair it was that he got tested. Then, he failed his next test when they wouldn’t let him cheat again. Amazing. The delusion. Amazing. As delusional as Jews who still think the Holocaust happened. Again, the Brewers deserve no credit. It took them 2 whole innings to score on Flexen. That’s terrible. That’s 2 innings longer than it should take. The fact that it took the Brewers 18 innings to beat the Mets with Rosario making 3 errors and an umpire who was cheating on your behalf is next level doodoo. Brewers: you are terrible without Yelich.

But let’s do a little Flexen, here. Been hittin the Nautilus room. Do a little Flexen, give the fans a show. Flexen got sent down, thankfully, as I prepared this article. Of course, they’ll excuse it as “after 18 innings, we need fresh arms for the bullpen” because we need to protect the fragile egos of soft pussy ass professional athletes, nowadays. I’ve got nothing against the guy. He looks like a good guy. Probably loves his mom. Probably loves Jesus. All good things. But you’re terrible. Goodbye. Don’t come back. Rosario? You’re terrible, too. You also need to be sent down. I hope you figure it out and come back but it’s probably not gonna happen ’cause you’re terrible. Gimenez time! Maybe we can trade Rosario. Any team need a guy who makes 3 errors per game?

P.S. Special thanks to the Mets for giving 2 full games worth of blow in 1. Usually you have to pay double for that kind of action. Worst game in Mets history? Possibly. Gotta love all the pitchers complaining about juiced baseballs this season and yet we haven’t scored in fucking FOREVER. We’ve got like, what, 5 runs in the last 45 innings? And one was a homer by a pitcher? Mets blooooooow.

P.P.S. When the Mets took a 3-2 lead in the top of the 18th, with Flexen set to come back for his 2nd inning of work in the bottom half, it’s moments like that that you NEED a bookie on call at all times. Statistically, you’re bound to get good odds betting against a team that is leading in the middle of the 18th. The outcome was the LOCK OF THE FUCKING CENTURY.

Side-Stories From Tonight

The baserunning (see previous article) took center stage, of course…

Here are some side-storylines:

Colon’s great and his ERA is lower this year because of an improved defense all-around. Newsflash: major league caliber defense helpful for both pitchers and fans struggling with suicidal depression.
The MLB fucked up. Don’t give me the “they’re millionaires” bullshit. Seabiscuit was a millionaire but you stupid weak babies would cry if he raced on this kind of schedule. The extra late retardedly called ESPN game to plane flight to day game? Good on Terry for resting everyone. The reason they’re millionaires is because we love them. Yo should be a billionaire and the Jewpons should be shot. We want to be entertained. We pay to be entertained and MLB forced lower quality entertainment. The MLB fucked up. End of story. Why would you defend them? They routinely fuck up. 

Spring Training Reminder: Soup is Dogshit

chunkycampbell
Now with meatier chunks of doodoo

Harvey did this, Harvey did that, yada yada yada, whoopdee shit. Spring Training is garbage. I couldn’t care less. Don’t get me wrong, practice is great. Getting out in the sun is great. Hearing GKR is great. But practice (aka REPS) are not exhibition games. Practice is fielding and hitting and throwing and catching. Exhibition games are just prayers that nobody gets hurt. It means negative infinity. The gun’s probably juiced. Harvey’s probably juiced. All dingers are cookies and all Ks are gimmes.

Except here’s when they’re not…when you have a guy like Soup, his major league career hanging in the balance, it matters. Much like HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” training camp is about the thrill of the cuts. But the Mets sure suck the fun out of it. Soup is still on the team. That’s ridiculous. He went 0-2 today and left some runners on. That’s believable. He also walked and scored. Amazing. He didn’t strike out. Amazing. Did he put any sort of charge into any ball at any time? Hell no.

Soupman is garbage. The only reason he’s here at all is because everyone knows Wright is dead and Soup can actually play a decent 3B, sort of, not really. Flores/Soup as our 3B depth is not acceptable. Let the boys play! Give Reynolds his fucking reps at 3rd. Move Walker to 3rd and have Herrera play 2nd. These guys should be showing up at 9am anyway. They should be able to take thousands of grounders at 3rd. Get Soup the fuck off the team.

When Reyes was on his way out (the Wilpons were shocked!), we made a horrible mistake. We watched Tejada play SS for 7 years!! We finally have a competent major leaguer in Asdrubal. Don’t make the same mistake at the hot corner. Prepare the kids. Look elsewhere. Why didn’t we fucking sign Uribe!? Well, he’s not a long-term solution, anyway, I suppose. But Soup should not make this team.

Mets Are Psyched For the Draft

Ready for the draft? WOOOOOOT!

Maverick made some maverick moves, huh! Good thing we have Cuddyer. We don’t need a farm system! It’s not like the Astros went from awful to great because of their farm system! Fuck the farm! Make it a slaughterhouse!

In all seriousness, and with great trepidation, I must say that Cuddy has been finding his legs in NY. He’s been an above average player for the past few weeks. Keep trending up, and the whole thing might actually be worth it. The jury is still out.

Mets And MLB Are Getting to the Bottom of the Tommy John Epidemic

Hi everybody!
Hi everybody!

The Mets have agreed to allow the use the pitchers they selected in the 2014 draft to be involved in a study being run by MLB.

“I look forward to running zee experimentations,” said Qyburn, the new head of TJ studies for the MLB.

“We just don’t understand what’s going wrong,” said Sandy Alderson, as he counted the pesos on his desk in preparation to give to Ray Ramirez for his weekly stipend.

“MY FUNNY BONE WAAAAAHHH!!!,” cried Baby Jeffy Wilpon

New Commissioner Rob Manfred Doubles Down on Collusion With Wilpons

When news broke that Fred Wilpon would be head of the league’s finance committee, I immediately wrote about it: https://metsblow.com/2015/01/18/fred-wilpon-becomes-mlb-finance-chair/

Manfred has now responded, saying he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND why I am critical of this move. Derrrrr he doesn’t understand derrr. He says, “the committee mostly deals with executive compensation and budget reviews. Issues dealing with possible fraud or inconsistencies in financial statements are handled by a separate group.”

Oh ok! Now I understand! So it’s totally ok now! Fred Wilpon is definitely a fraudulent, inconsistent financial manager, but it’s ok! Because frauds are dealt with by other people! So it’s ok! Because when he gets scammed or does the scamming it will fall on someone else’s shoulders! Scam away!

P.S. Rushing to the defense of Wilpon quite swiftly, valiantly, and aggressively there, aren’t ya Rob? The commissioner doth protest too much, methinks.

P.P.S. Note “executive compensation” in Manfred’s quote, aka Fred Wilpon is in charge of the billionaires-lining-the-pockets-of-billionaires committee.

Baby Jeffy Wilpon Cries About Money Spent

Metsblog writes: The Mets have spent more than $900 million on player salaries since their last playoff appearance in 2006.

WWAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHH!! Here comes the wambulance for Jeffy Wilpon. “We spent the munny! Too much munny! WAAAAHHH! No more munny! See we twied! We twied! We spent the munny! It doesn’t wok! No wok! Spend munny bad! Now no spend munny good! Waaaah!!

Fuck you. It’s not spending that’s wrong. It’s your complete ineptitude at how you spend it. Fuck your whole family. Fuck your silver spoon mouth, your delusions, and your mom.

Bobby Parnell’s Plans

Bobby Parnell plans to:

~pitch his guts out

~Get his bonus

~blow out his arm forever

They’ll never gift the job to Mejia, because young bull saves = mo’ $. Choooo. About 2mil more if he’s the full-time closer. 2 mil!? 2 MIL!!!?? Good god. The Wilpons have a vivarium to feed. He’s gotta STOMP IT OUT! all season to win the job.

Alderson/Flores on SS

Alderson gave Cal Ripken award and said something like, “Mets fans have been waiting for me to introduce a shortstop.” Yeah that’s all in good fun until you realize that you’re a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE getting paid by BILLIONAIRES. Quit joking around and do your fucking job.

Flores, not liking all the SS buzz in Metsland, said something like, “I know what I can do, man. I know what I can do.” So do we Wilmer, so do we.