Side-Stories From Tonight

The baserunning (see previous article) took center stage, of course…

Here are some side-storylines:

Colon’s great and his ERA is lower this year because of an improved defense all-around. Newsflash: major league caliber defense helpful for both pitchers and fans struggling with suicidal depression.
The MLB fucked up. Don’t give me the “they’re millionaires” bullshit. Seabiscuit was a millionaire but you stupid weak babies would cry if he raced on this kind of schedule. The extra late retardedly called ESPN game to plane flight to day game? Good on Terry for resting everyone. The reason they’re millionaires is because we love them. Yo should be a billionaire and the Jewpons should be shot. We want to be entertained. We pay to be entertained and MLB forced lower quality entertainment. The MLB fucked up. End of story. Why would you defend them? They routinely fuck up. 

Spring Training Reminder: Soup is Dogshit

Now with meatier chunks of doodoo

Harvey did this, Harvey did that, yada yada yada, whoopdee shit. Spring Training is garbage. I couldn’t care less. Don’t get me wrong, practice is great. Getting out in the sun is great. Hearing GKR is great. But practice (aka REPS) are not exhibition games. Practice is fielding and hitting and throwing and catching. Exhibition games are just prayers that nobody gets hurt. It means negative infinity. The gun’s probably juiced. Harvey’s probably juiced. All dingers are cookies and all Ks are gimmes.

Except here’s when they’re not…when you have a guy like Soup, his major league career hanging in the balance, it matters. Much like HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” training camp is about the thrill of the cuts. But the Mets sure suck the fun out of it. Soup is still on the team. That’s ridiculous. He went 0-2 today and left some runners on. That’s believable. He also walked and scored. Amazing. He didn’t strike out. Amazing. Did he put any sort of charge into any ball at any time? Hell no.

Soupman is garbage. The only reason he’s here at all is because everyone knows Wright is dead and Soup can actually play a decent 3B, sort of, not really. Flores/Soup as our 3B depth is not acceptable. Let the boys play! Give Reynolds his fucking reps at 3rd. Move Walker to 3rd and have Herrera play 2nd. These guys should be showing up at 9am anyway. They should be able to take thousands of grounders at 3rd. Get Soup the fuck off the team.

When Reyes was on his way out (the Wilpons were shocked!), we made a horrible mistake. We watched Tejada play SS for 7 years!! We finally have a competent major leaguer in Asdrubal. Don’t make the same mistake at the hot corner. Prepare the kids. Look elsewhere. Why didn’t we fucking sign Uribe!? Well, he’s not a long-term solution, anyway, I suppose. But Soup should not make this team.

Mets Are Psyched For the Draft

Ready for the draft? WOOOOOOT!

Maverick made some maverick moves, huh! Good thing we have Cuddyer. We don’t need a farm system! It’s not like the Astros went from awful to great because of their farm system! Fuck the farm! Make it a slaughterhouse!

In all seriousness, and with great trepidation, I must say that Cuddy has been finding his legs in NY. He’s been an above average player for the past few weeks. Keep trending up, and the whole thing might actually be worth it. The jury is still out.

Mets And MLB Are Getting to the Bottom of the Tommy John Epidemic

Hi everybody!
Hi everybody!

The Mets have agreed to allow the use the pitchers they selected in the 2014 draft to be involved in a study being run by MLB.

“I look forward to running zee experimentations,” said Qyburn, the new head of TJ studies for the MLB.

“We just don’t understand what’s going wrong,” said Sandy Alderson, as he counted the pesos on his desk in preparation to give to Ray Ramirez for his weekly stipend.

“MY FUNNY BONE WAAAAAHHH!!!,” cried Baby Jeffy Wilpon

New Commissioner Rob Manfred Doubles Down on Collusion With Wilpons

When news broke that Fred Wilpon would be head of the league’s finance committee, I immediately wrote about it:

Manfred has now responded, saying he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND why I am critical of this move. Derrrrr he doesn’t understand derrr. He says, “the committee mostly deals with executive compensation and budget reviews. Issues dealing with possible fraud or inconsistencies in financial statements are handled by a separate group.”

Oh ok! Now I understand! So it’s totally ok now! Fred Wilpon is definitely a fraudulent, inconsistent financial manager, but it’s ok! Because frauds are dealt with by other people! So it’s ok! Because when he gets scammed or does the scamming it will fall on someone else’s shoulders! Scam away!

P.S. Rushing to the defense of Wilpon quite swiftly, valiantly, and aggressively there, aren’t ya Rob? The commissioner doth protest too much, methinks.

P.P.S. Note “executive compensation” in Manfred’s quote, aka Fred Wilpon is in charge of the billionaires-lining-the-pockets-of-billionaires committee.

Baby Jeffy Wilpon Cries About Money Spent

Metsblog writes: The Mets have spent more than $900 million on player salaries since their last playoff appearance in 2006.

WWAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHH!! Here comes the wambulance for Jeffy Wilpon. “We spent the munny! Too much munny! WAAAAHHH! No more munny! See we twied! We twied! We spent the munny! It doesn’t wok! No wok! Spend munny bad! Now no spend munny good! Waaaah!!

Fuck you. It’s not spending that’s wrong. It’s your complete ineptitude at how you spend it. Fuck your whole family. Fuck your silver spoon mouth, your delusions, and your mom.

Bobby Parnell’s Plans

Bobby Parnell plans to:

~pitch his guts out

~Get his bonus

~blow out his arm forever

They’ll never gift the job to Mejia, because young bull saves = mo’ $. Choooo. About 2mil more if he’s the full-time closer. 2 mil!? 2 MIL!!!?? Good god. The Wilpons have a vivarium to feed. He’s gotta STOMP IT OUT! all season to win the job.