Author: metsblow

Happy #HarveyDay?

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Hey Harvey looked good. Hey we won 2 out of 3 from the Braves. All good, right? NO! Wrong. We can’t hit for shit. The Braves gifted us this game because they blow. We gifted them game 2 because Mets blow. Thankfully we’re used to the futility.

Also thanks to the rain, the stands were pretty empty. Sorry Harvey, your triumphant return was not a must-see event. Not in person, anyway. You’re not the king of New York. Remember pitching to pitch and win and not so you could be on magazine covers? #humble

Same Ol’ Mets…Except We Don’t Have Colon

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Losing to the Braves? 

Ice cold bats?

deGrom (or Harvey or Santana or Seaver or really anyone in team history) with an elite start and not getting the W? 

Stop me if you’ve heard this before. God that was something. I forgot how fucking thrilling Mets baseball can be zzzzz. And it’s not that I don’t like a good duel, it’s just that when you see Met after Met striking out at pitches over his head (including that atrocious game-ender by “he’s so back!” Duda), it really blows. 

Lugo is DEAD by the way. We don’t need Colon. Naaaaah. Oops. Mets blow. 

Oh and also I’m hearing lots of  “expert opinions” about how it was surprising that Colon walked a batter. It’s called smart pitching, you retarded faggots. It was Cespedes. That’s what you do. Our lineup isn’t stacked. It looked like dogshit today, it’s pretty decent on paper, and it’s that classic “this is THE GUY” lineup. Smart, ego-free vets like Colon don’t give a fuck about metrics and ratios. I can’t believe these nerds get paid to analyze baseball. Sad! At least the former players have an inkling. These fat or dweeby or fat and dweeby guys (and girls) that talk about, “whoa, an uncharacteristic walk from Colon!” are on another planet. They don’t know baseball. Their ignorance is astounding. As we are here at another new season, let us remember the reasons why I am here–why I was FORCED BY GOD to be here: 1) The Mets blow and it must be exposed from the top down. You have me to thank for putting the pressure on the Jewpons to get (and re-get and again re-get) Cespedes. 2) Metsblog blows as do all other forms of Mets baseball coverage. GKR are awesome. But hooooly fuck the whole collective state of analyzers and commentators and bloggers on tv and on the web and in print are the sorriest bunch of braindead PC pussy talentless wannabes ever. They don’t know the Mets. They don’t know baseball. They have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s embarrassing that the Mets get represented that way, but hey, the Mets blow, so it makes sense. As usual, Metsblow remains your only source for real news.

Thor: “I’ve got blisters on me fingers.”

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Day 1 and we’ve got Thor, Matz, and Wheeler all out already! Mets baseball, baby! We’re back! And Lugo’s dead, too, thanks to the WBC. 

Let’s go over today’s game, shall we?

1) Thor left early with a blister. Uhhh, ok, fine, whatever. TC said he’s fine. We toootally believe it. It’s an omen. 

2) The Mets couldn’t hit Teheran for shit. Shocker.

3) The Braves pen is atrocious. They walk batters at little league rates.

4) D-Wright got a monstrous cheer during the player intros. It sent chills up his spine. No, wait, that’s just the disease. 

The Mets seemingly always win on Opening Day, and today was no different. We’ll take the W. We’ll pray for Thor’s fanga. Pray pray pray. 
Up Next: Big Bart (the only consistently healthy and good Mets starter for the past 3 years) goes up against deGrom. Jacob is better. Jacob is the best and seemingly healthy again (for now). But maaaan the Mets are fucking retarded for letting Colon go.  

Lagares Dead. Matz Probably Dead. Conforto Doomed.

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Lagares dead? Duhhhh. Expected. Obvious. He has no place on the Mets and why would want any value out of a gold glover? Plummet that trade value, boys.

Matz with a “minor” elbow flare-up. Kenan? Kenan?! Whatcha mean, minor? Huh? Awwwww, here it goes.

So now the Mets are gonna have Conforto rot on the bench instead of getting his reps in the minors. Both answers are wrong. We should’ve traded him two years ago for Arenado. Now the Mets are in his head. Bumgarner and all lefties are in his head. Hey, wait, that’s fucking baseball! If you can’t deal with asshole owners and asshole pitchers, you can’t be a ballplayer. So get tough, get your bp in, and make the most of your starts. A crowded OF is good. Be a fucking major leaguer. Spell Grandy because he’s old. I’m glad Bruce wasn’t traded. I’m glad Conforto wasn’t traded (for anyone other than Arenado) and now, thanks to a “lucky” injury to Lagares, the incompetent brass is forced to make the correct move. 

Familia Lighting It Up…Grrrreeeeeaat

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Familia pumped up after a meaningless win. Also, watermarks can suck it. Photo by Metsblow 😉
Wow, it’s lit! Lit fam! 101 on the (likely bullshit) radar gun. In a game where the Dominicans were up by 7, no less. Way to turn up! Can your wife catch a baseball thrown that fast? Hey, it’s a cultural thing! (Seriously, it’s a cultural thing). 

I guess I’m not too mad about Fam blowing his arm out in March because he’s gonna get suspended anyway. That’ll give him time to recouperate. 

While we’re at it, TC is a fucking moron for bringing in Fam during that WC game while tied. Save situations only, you dingbat. Even I defend Terry when it comes to most shit being the Jewpons’ fault, but for fucks sake, learn to manage the arms, leatherface! 

Mexican Salas Too Mexican for Trump America

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They took’r jobs!!

Salas can’t legally play with the Mets because of problems with his work Visa. Andelay, Los Mets! Well it’s about time Trump did something right. Let’s ban these Mexicans once and for all, right holmes?

Salas, which sounds like a Mexican dish–some kind of salad salsa, will be playing in the WBC for Team Mexico. Adios, muchacho! 

Apparently, it’ll all be fixed before the season starts. But knowing how lazy Mexicans are, I’m sure Salas will just siesta in his hammock with his sombrero tipped over his eyes and his poncho gently swaying in the breeze rather than applying for a new Visa. Hopefully, the wall will be constructed by the time Salas is set to return and he won’t be allowed in. We can replace him with a red-blooded American who can’t do the job nearly as well and demands higher pay. Vamanos, Los Mets! 

This Isn’t News: Wright is Dead

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Uhhhh…so? How fucking fast asleep are you people? I told you guys he was dead years ago. You actually bought Opening Day tickets expecting to see Wright at 3rd base? Hey, maybe he’ll be there to shorthop balls to 1st that Duda can’t scoop. Oh, wait, Duda is dead, too. 

Should we have traded the farm for Arenado? Absolutely. But it’s too late for that. Pray for Reyes’ health. Anyone who thought Wright would be playing 3B this year is a fucking invalid just like David is. Grow up, kids. Captain America has been dead for years. We love him. All-time Mets great. But holy shit, focus on 2017. We don’t really have a backup for the injury-prone Reyes. Wilmer? Ha! I’d rather see Wright out there with a broken spine. He’d still be quicker to the ball than Wilmer. Mets blow. 

Yo Mashed, Plawecki Died

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The headline says it all. Yo looks stronger than ever! Aaaaand we have no catcher. 

But really, who cares about Plawecki? He’s trash. TDA is also trash. It ain’t like Conforto (who just hit a dinger, btw). Conforto is still young young YOUNG, especially in terms of MLB XP. TDA not so much. He’s already an injury-plagued has-been. 

David Wright is Dead

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Backiotomy

David Wright said he feels great, his back is feeling is great, and the only real hurdle left to clear is throwing a baseball.

Someone remind me. I’m a little confused. I’m still a little comatose after the WC game. It’s been a dark Winter. I’ve lost my faculties. I am SO SORRY to bother you but PLEASE REMIND ME BECAUSE I FUCKING FORGOT: Is throwing a baseball important? Is that a thing? Is that like…maybe something you’ll have to do if you play 3rd base?

Alderson is saying Wright is still the starter and can hopefully play for the entire season. Why lie about this? Just say that Reyes is probably gonna be the guy. Stop lying. Stop treating the Cap’n with kid gloves. You failed to get Arenado (you should trade the farm for him…including Conforto) but Reyes can do the job. Just stop fucking lying. David Wright is dead.

Hey, why not start Wright at 1st? Duda’s dead, too. Oh, I see Bruce is taking reps there. I guess we’re full!

Tebow Loves Murph (Not in THAT Way!)

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Metsblog aces always reporting the hard-hitting shit

So uhhh…this is too perfect. Yes, Tim, as you know, the secret is prayer. Nobody prays harder than Murph. Great mentor. Maybe y’all can go bash some homos together after BP. 

I don’t give a fuuuuuck that Tebow is a little Christian pussy bitch. If he can hit like Murph (zero percent chance), I’ll take it!