Memba Bartolo? 


I memba! Memba when the Mets said, “It’s fiiiiine. We don’t need him. Wheeler’s back. Matz’s back. Why have a proven veteran Cy Young winner on your team when you totally know that Gsellman and Lugo are the real deal and didn’t just have miracle stretch runs last season?!” I memba! 

Counterpoint: It’s tough to win when you score 1 run per game. Solo dinger, of course. 

Same Ol’ Mets…Except We Don’t Have Colon

Losing to the Braves? 

Ice cold bats?

deGrom (or Harvey or Santana or Seaver or really anyone in team history) with an elite start and not getting the W? 

Stop me if you’ve heard this before. God that was something. I forgot how fucking thrilling Mets baseball can be zzzzz. And it’s not that I don’t like a good duel, it’s just that when you see Met after Met striking out at pitches over his head (including that atrocious game-ender by “he’s so back!” Duda), it really blows. 

Lugo is DEAD by the way. We don’t need Colon. Naaaaah. Oops. Mets blow. 

Oh and also I’m hearing lots of  “expert opinions” about how it was surprising that Colon walked a batter. It’s called smart pitching, you retarded faggots. It was Cespedes. That’s what you do. Our lineup isn’t stacked. It looked like dogshit today, it’s pretty decent on paper, and it’s that classic “this is THE GUY” lineup. Smart, ego-free vets like Colon don’t give a fuck about metrics and ratios. I can’t believe these nerds get paid to analyze baseball. Sad! At least the former players have an inkling. These fat or dweeby or fat and dweeby guys (and girls) that talk about, “whoa, an uncharacteristic walk from Colon!” are on another planet. They don’t know baseball. Their ignorance is astounding. As we are here at another new season, let us remember the reasons why I am here–why I was FORCED BY GOD to be here: 1) The Mets blow and it must be exposed from the top down. You have me to thank for putting the pressure on the Jewpons to get (and re-get and again re-get) Cespedes. 2) Metsblog blows as do all other forms of Mets baseball coverage. GKR are awesome. But hooooly fuck the whole collective state of analyzers and commentators and bloggers on tv and on the web and in print are the sorriest bunch of braindead PC pussy talentless wannabes ever. They don’t know the Mets. They don’t know baseball. They have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s embarrassing that the Mets get represented that way, but hey, the Mets blow, so it makes sense. As usual, Metsblow remains your only source for real news.

Colon Signs with Braves

This is a fucking tragedy. We went to the voting booths with confidence. We believed we’d win. But our worst fears have been realized. We failed. This is a dark day for Metsblow Nation. The Braves signed Colon for 1yr/12.5mil. The world just keeps turning for the worse. Tiz the life of a Mets fan. 

Just sign Yo. For the love of Gawd. I think I can make it through the next 4 years if we have Yo. 

SNY Declares Colon’s HR Game a “Mets Classic”

A sexy moment

Fuck you, SNY. I love Big Bart but why not just show the highlight for 3 straight hours? It’s nice to hear GKR talk about it for the rest of the game. Seriously, though, fuck you.

You know what a classic game is? The Bumgarner game. That’ll be on SF’s local programming forever. 

Fuck everyone. Pay Yo. Pay Colon, too, while you’re at it. 

Side-Stories From Tonight

The baserunning (see previous article) took center stage, of course…

Here are some side-storylines:

Colon’s great and his ERA is lower this year because of an improved defense all-around. Newsflash: major league caliber defense helpful for both pitchers and fans struggling with suicidal depression.
The MLB fucked up. Don’t give me the “they’re millionaires” bullshit. Seabiscuit was a millionaire but you stupid weak babies would cry if he raced on this kind of schedule. The extra late retardedly called ESPN game to plane flight to day game? Good on Terry for resting everyone. The reason they’re millionaires is because we love them. Yo should be a billionaire and the Jewpons should be shot. We want to be entertained. We pay to be entertained and MLB forced lower quality entertainment. The MLB fucked up. End of story. Why would you defend them? They routinely fuck up. 

Walkin’, Yes Indeed I’m Walkin’

walkingboy.jpg

Not talkin’ bout Neil Walker. Not talkin’ bout walking away from this terrible season and franchise. Obviously, I’m talkin’ bout Big Sexy’s first career walk. Mazel Tov. What a delightful distraction from what’s really going on here. Do we feel like winners after that? We can’t beat the D-Backs–thanks to some unearned runs–so everyone get excited to see how we fare against the far superior Giants and Cardinals the next couple of series.

Did you know that walking is an Olympic sport? I’m pretty sure that the racewalkers get beat up by the Special Olympians.

“BALL 4! BALL 4!! HE WALKS!! THE GREATEST WALK IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS!!!” -Gary Cohen’s walk call.

The Summer Wind is Blowing Out

summerwind
Hang on to your bathing suits. The summer wind is blowing waaaaay out.

A new Citi record for dingdongs? Wowzers. Murphy is obviously on steroids. Or maybe he just prays the best? He prays so good. When he boots the ball in the wildcard game against the Dodgers, we’ll quietly (loudly) tip our caps to Neil.

Babe Flores did it again. With Bryce Harper shushing the crowd and Murph screaming his fag-hating head off, Flores hit a go-ahead, three-run bomb to the 2nd deck off of Ollie Perez. Ollie Perez lolz. What the fuck is he doing on a supposedly good team? By the way Murph, you know Bryce Harper’s gay, right? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but we all know you do. The way he sassed the crowd? His hair? His Nattitude? Fucking GAAAAY.

Is Babe Flores a quntuple entendre? 1) He’s a babe. A stud. A fox. 2) Babe Ruth. 3) He’s still so young. 4) He has piggish nostrils. Still a fox, though. 5) He cried like a biiiitch when he got not-traded. Wee li’uhl bay-bee. You’re welcome, shitty writers of the world.

In the 9th, Murph–the steroid abusing, brain-farting, can’t field for shit stud that he is–got robbbbbbbed by Asdrubal. Great play. And then we finally got our piece of the Utley pie. That was a nice bonus.

Jose Reyes hit a dinger. He also got picked off? He stole and then unstole? What was that shit about? Get it together on the basepaths there, Jose.

I don’t mind that Collins left Colon** in. Harvey is dead with Jurassic Park syndrome. Out for season. RIP. Hopefully back for start of 2017 but we must stay focused. Wheeler’s return is delayed indefinitely. Bone spurs everywhere. Our pets heads are falling off! Let rubber arm Colon go. Why not? Colon not only knows how to pitch, but he also seemingly knows how to stay healthy. “How to Stay Healthy” by Big Sexy: 1) cultivate mass. 2) be in a radioactive explosion like Mr. Fantastic and come away with a rubber arm. Sexy Fantastic didn’t have it last night, but fortunately our bullpen doesn’t feature Ollie Perez. Or a guy that chokes MVPs in the dugout. Good job, Sandy!

Gutsy win. Gusty win, too, because the winds are bloooooooowing.

**Update: Sexy Fantastic is officially named to the All-Star Team! And it’s in San Diego, too. In case you need a reminder of what Tolo did in SD, here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzLERV9l9Vs