Terry Collins just said, “Kirk Nieuwenhuis and Matt den Dekker will battle for the last spot in the roster, with the decision likely coming down to who hits more than the other.”

Let’s look at this further…

1) The decision will come down to who hits more. BRILLIANT! Great. Love it. The decision for who will be our pinch hitter (and likely starting outfielder once Cuddyer gets hurt) comes down to who is better at hitting. Brilliant strategy. Simply brilliant. The only problem is that neither of them can hit major league pitching. So let’s see who hits more not-shittily.

2) den Dekker has to have the edge because the Mets looooove their lowercase d-squad. deGrom won Rookie of the Year, after all. I think Wright should change his name to d-Avid.

3) Nowhere in any of this did Alderson, the Wilpons, or anyone make any mention of trying to acquire a player who has succeeded at the major league level. Clearly this is part of the Mets’ “GO blue, orange, and GREEN” environmental project, as they seemingly love recycling their trash.

4) Both Kirk and Matt have been quoted as saying, “I’d rather be in Vegas, anyway. My lucky table is hot right now!”

5) Kirk is three days older than Matt, whatever that means.

6) Matt is only batting .238 at the major league level, while Kirk is batting a muscular .241 so take that, young bull.

7) Nieuwenhuis’ name is a writer’s nightmare.

8) Kirk has more power but den Dekker is a better fielder. This is pretty much known. Collins says it’s all about hitting, so my guess is Kirk will win the job.