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Mets Sign Bastardo; Officially Out of Money

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The Mets have agreed to terms with lefty reliever Antonio Bastardo. The deal will be for $12 million over two years. Great deal. The bullpen is mediocre again! We replaced Clip. 

Bastardo, 30, posted a 2.98 ERA and 1.13 WHIP last season for the Pirates while striking out 64 batters in 57 1/3 innings. 
The Mets announced that they are now completely out of money. Enjoy this signing, Metsblow nation, because this is likely all we’re going to get. This is the peripeteia. This is that small reversal of fortune where we can feel good about our team for a minute before the Nats sign Cespedes. Here it comes. Can you feel it? Can you feel the Nats getting our #3 hitter from the World Series? They already took our cleanup hitter. 

At least we get to yell, “bastardo!” all season long like it’s Spanish Game of Thrones. They call him Señor Nieve. Or maybe it was yelled best by that greasy dude from Titanic. 

  
  

Merry Fucking Christmas You Jew Fagoats

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That’s an old photo of Murph as Santa with fellow ex-Mets Jon Niese and Justin Turner before he became Turnersbane of House Redbeard (re: roided up).

The Wilpons are Jew fagoats and they remind us on Christmas that we may need to kill them. Murph signed with the Nats for 3/37.5 hahaha what a fucking bargain. We knew we wouldn’t sign him, but when actually looking at the price tag and the team he signed with, it’s infuriating.

Also to all the shill bitch media: stop telling me how I feel. Stop saying I’m shocked. Stop saying that it’s not a surprise that we’re not going to sign Cespedes and that we asked him if he’d consider a two-year deal and his agent laughed and hung up. I’m not shocked!! I’m just fucking angry!! Stop acting like we’re stupid.

This entire website exists because of how not shocked I am. This website exists because a lazy asshole like me thought that making a site focused on Mets blunders and front office Jewfagoatery would be the easiest job in the world and the thing would write itself. And it fucking does. We made the fucking World Series and it still manages to be cake to write.

But we have a real job to do. Other than going to the House of Black and White, we have a list of demands. I wrote it a few (2, maybe?) articles back. They have some more time, but we need to start preparing to protest and force the Wilpons out like Frank McCourt was. They haven’t officially Jewed out of the offseason yet. They have time…hell, Cespedes is still out there. Other talented guys, too.

No Cespedes on Festivus. No Murph on Christmas (he loves his sweet lord baby Jesus but not in a queer way). Our demands have not yet been met. 

List of Demands Update

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You can see the list of demands in the previous Blow. I’m not linking it; just scroll down, ya mooks.

We got Tolo. Check. Beautiful. Big sexy with a $50K bonus is he wins the silver slugger. Ballin. We got de Aza. Backup outfielder check. Boom. So now just RP and Cespedes. Yup, they’re totally listening to us! 

If the demands are not met by Feb, we’re gonna do a big protest. Start prepping your signs, your pb&js, and your tents because it’s gonna be a big one. I’ll bring my guitar. But for now, let’s assume all is well. Today is officially Festivus. No doubt, we’ll sign Cespedes today. The Mets never let us down! 

Mets Sign Blevins; Terry Talks Cespedes

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blevinsth

1 year. 4mil. Great deal. Contract year for a stud lefty specialist with glass bones. The first fistfight in Punch-Out.

Still need Tolo. Still need Clip. Bastardo, mayhaps? BASTARDO!! The star of Spanish Game of Thrones.

Today, when asked about Cespedes, Terry said, “I know they are working to find some backup pieces that will help us out.” Choooo. Big dick swing from Terry. He might as well have called them jewfags. Publicly stating that the Mets front office is only going to get backups is calling them the fuck out. Of course we’re all going to crazy hearing that. That means they’re not even going to get Span or Parra! That’s insane! OUT OF CONTROL!

For the past 7 years, they’ve been saying we needed to be patient for NOW. And you know what? They were absolutely right. The young studs are elite. You have to move all-in now. You promised. And you were right. Fulfill the prophecy.

I think deGrom’s words on Cespedes were BIG. If Harvey said it, it’d be front page news. Let that be a lesson in how the media protrays someone. Don’t get me wrong, deGrom is very much the antithesis of Harvey in a lot of ways, like Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker, or Fire & Ice. That makes deGrom being the guy to speak up about Cespedes even more meaningful. I hope Harvey calls Sandy a fagoat.

Members of the Metsblow war room are claiming they will walkout if our demands aren’t met and I’m inclined to agree. Here is the list:

~Fill the remaining 4 roster spots (SP, RP, CF, backup 1B/OF) with real major leaguers

~One of the two pitching spots should be for Tolo.

~They may not put Flores as the backup 1B. Must replace Cuddy

~Get Cespedes. If you’re really, actually NOT going to sign Cespedes…if that’s a fucking THING, even after he proved to be the impact bat we’ve been dying for, even after he was the enzyme catalyst impetus spark synergist reactant kaboom bang bullshit intangible sports word that you wanna use X-FACTOR, even after what deGrom said, even after he put the whole city on his back, then you better fucking do something else that shows you believe in this team. The young guns will be fucking pissed. Look what the Giants do for Posey. Look what the Cubs are doing for Bryant. Bryant is going to be a lot easier to sign when he sees how much his GM cares.

 

Cuddyer Retires; Mets Fedora Sales Plummet

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What a sacrifice!! This is why David Wright loves him. Cuddy takes one for the team and does what’s best. I have newfound respect for him. 

This is a bigger twist than Cuddyer’s obliques. It’s huge. After the severance fee, this is a LOT of money put back into Alderson’s budget. Now when we don’t get Cespedes, we can go absolutely ballistic and force the Jewpons out of office. 

I wonder what baby Jeffy will buy with the 12mil he just got back. He’ll probably just throw it back on the pile. 

Neil Walker & Asdrubal Cabrera

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Everybody on the Mets wants Cespedes back.

I’ve thought about the moves that the Mets recently made for a day or two. I know today’s whippersnappers want all their news instantaneously, and that’s fine, but a quality product takes time. Go to Di Fara’s.

Anyway, about the moves, the Mets really like blowing a big deal and then having a backup to bounce back with, huh? Plan B works for both the Mets and for scrambling up and queefing out some eggs. 

Except, last time the bounce back was Cespedes. Walker is good. Cabrera is good. Both the contracts are good. Whoopdee-shit, we’re better. We still lack the fucking impact bat. Somebody ask Mike Piazza: When was the last time the Mets made the playoffs two fucking years in a row?

The Cubs just got Heyward for 8/184. Get Cespedes for 6/138. You’d be fucking retarded not to. That goes for both sides. Yes, Cespedes has the POWAH, but Heyward has the yoot. There’s nothing like power when it comes to hitting; dingers are the great equalizer in a game where pitching usually wins. However, when it comes to contracts, age is paramount. 

Oh and finally, Jacob deGrom–the fucking stud that he is–said, “Everybody would like him to come back, but that’s out of our control. It’s just us hoping.” 

Zobrist to Cubs

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zobrist1
4 years/56mil. And the Cubs dumped Castro to the Yankees, just so Cashman and Theo could laugh it up together at our expense.

So that was the Mets’ #1 priority? You couldn’t offer a 4 year deal? You can’t let the payroll go over 100mil? 

Don’t be fooled by garbage lies like, “Zobrist wanted to be closer to home” or “Zobrist wanted to be back with his ol’ manager Joe Maddon.” He took the most money. The Mets didn’t offer him shit. 

Yesterday, a rep for Zobrist said, “I honestly have no idea who John Ricco is. I’ve never met him, I’ve never seen him, and quite frankly he sounds made up.” The Post will take that and write, “Zobrist to meet with John Ricco soon.” This’ll be followed by tomorrow’s headline, “Say It Ain’t Zo!” 

Look at Ricco, by the way. He is SO not ready for primetime. 

  
Today in Mets news: Flores breaks his ankle and our only other option at 2B signs with someone else. Also in Mets news, Ricco says he isn’t shocked but looks SHOCKED. He’s a fuckin deer in headlights. Every photo/video I see from the winter meetings shows his hair amess and his face weary. 

Awesome day for Mets news. It’s a blessing in disguise. It’s like when we didn’t get Gomez. It’s all a setup to get Cespedes hoooooraaaaaay.

Metsblow Nation is in PANIC CITY until we get Cespedes. Does that sound familiar? 

P.S. Dansby Swanson to the Braves. Stud from Vandy (my alma mater). Great haul for them. The Mets couldn’t do better than Shelby Miller?? He’s a very good pitcher but he’s not worth the #1 pick. Jesus, Mets, wake the fuck up. The Braves are making moves right under your big, cheap Jew noses. 

Sandy Alderson Has Cancer

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Why oh why couldn’t it be Jeff Wilpon, instead?

In all seriousness, let’s hope Sandy gets better. Apparently, it’s treatable, so that’s good. Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well.

This has been the only news to report in a while, unfortunately. Sandy, if you need a temp-GM to fill in for you, here I am. I’ll get Cespedes for ya. I know how badly you want the guy that single-handedly transformed the team from mediocre to NL champs. Oh, y’all don’t want him? Y’all wanna stay mediocre? OK, well then don’t hire me. I still hope you get better…and get Cespedes. 

P.S. I’ll bet the Wilpons aren’t forking over a penny for Sandy’s treatment. Health insurance?? Naaaaah. 

Mets Are Interested in Ben Zobrist

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zobrist1Remember him?

The Mets are interested, you guys! Matt Dweebazoid Shill Bitch Cerrone said so on Metsblog! The Mets are interested! SO FUCKING INTERESTED!!

Thank God for our interest. So when we don’t sign anybody and we are a .500 team next season, don’t blame the Jewpons! THEY WERE INTERESTED!!

I love that we’re interested. God damn does it feel good to know that we’re interested. We are interested in a championship. Doesn’t that warm your heart to know? Our interest is peaking. We’re so fucking interested that we can’t contain ourselves.

I am interested in Jennifer Aniston and Megan Fox, by the way. Just letting you guys know that I’m interested.

 

Murphy Declines Qualifying Offer

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First of all, fuckin’ gays are all over the place. Second, this WOULD be good news if the Mets could get Zobrist. 

Here’s what will actually happen: We’ll get a 1st round pick and Murph will go to SF, NYY, or another strong competitor in 2016. Our 1st round pick should come up at just about the time that we lose Harvey. 

Also, we won’t get Zobrist or even Jelly. Herrera will get 500 ABs. He looked like dog doo in the Show. If he gets 500 ABs (seems likely at this point), the O/U is .245/.300 and I’m taking the under both times, and I’m also setting a prop bet that if he magically is hitting .265 or better by June, he will get injured. 

So it’s not official yet, I guess, but say goodbye to Murph. Would’ve loved if you called the bluff and accepted the offer, but sadly I understand your move and I think it’s the correct one. Jesus is good.