Cuddyer Retires; Mets Fedora Sales Plummet

What a sacrifice!! This is why David Wright loves him. Cuddy takes one for the team and does what’s best. I have newfound respect for him. 

This is a bigger twist than Cuddyer’s obliques. It’s huge. After the severance fee, this is a LOT of money put back into Alderson’s budget. Now when we don’t get Cespedes, we can go absolutely ballistic and force the Jewpons out of office. 

I wonder what baby Jeffy will buy with the 12mil he just got back. He’ll probably just throw it back on the pile. 

Cuddyer Out With a Stiff Neck

"Rargh I pulled my neck  AND I missed the pitch"
“Rargh I pulled my neck AND I missed the pitch”

Welp, it looks like striking out repeatedly in horrific fashion finally caught up to the old cocksucker. Striking out, doing a 360 like a ballerina, and bonking yourself in the back of the head with your bat is never a good combo.

Replacing Cuddyer will be my boy Darrell “Greasy” Ceciliani! He’s a wop genius. He’s got about 1 hit this year, which is more than Kirk! So greasy. Go greasy.

On a serious note, Cuddyer was ACTUALLY starting to turn things around (things other than his neck). It figures. Get a little bit hot, and the Gods smite thee! Meanwhile Tanaka is healthy and dominating, despite missing his UCL. Which team does God root for? I guess they’ve got Jesus AND Buddha over there. We only have the Many-Faced-God. Valar Morghulis. Metsar Injurus (All Mets must get injured).

What form of METS disease will Michael Cuddyer get?

We all know it’s coming. He won’t be the first and he won’t be the last person to come down with a case of the METS.

Here are the Vegas odds as to what type he will get:

1:1 – nagging injury or season ending injury late in season, around 50 games missed

2:1 – season ending injury early in season, over 100 games missed

5:1 – inexplicable* decline in performance, no other symptoms

8:1 – smashes into another player or wall. Remains in lineup despite injury and severe loss in production

10:1 – PED suspension

25:1 – Makes an ugly error costing the Mets a game, and costing Cuddyer his confidence for the rest of the season

500:1 – Hay fever

Place your bets!

*When this one happens, people will try to explain it by saying his Colorado numbers were inflated. While this could potentially explain a decline of about 5 dingers, we’ll see what the apologists say when he’s gone from 20 to 0.