Metsblog Jinxes The Mets Again

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Who's that Pokemon? It's Jynx! Who's that retarded, lackey blog? It's Metsblog!
Who’s that Pokemon? It’s Jynx! Who’s that retarded, lackey blog? It’s Metsblog!

Metsblog, about an hour or two before Matt Harvey took the hill on Tuesday, reported: HEY! Harvey has the longest home-run-drought streak of any pitcher! HEY! Everyone! Harvey! No dingers! WOOOT! As we all remember, Harvey let up a 1st inning dinger to Chase Utley.

Today, Metsblog has done it again. In regards to Dillon Gee, tonight’s starter, they report: He’s gone at least five innings in 47 straight starts, the longest active streak in the majors.

This is classic Metsblog. Classic idiot Cerrone not knowing the game of baseball at all. He just doesn’t understand baseball. He’s not a part of it. Like nearly everyone else in the media, he’s just a pawn. He’s a bitch/lackey/writer first, and baseball fan/player second.

Metsblog went on to say: Hey, and Gee has NEVER NOPE NOT ONCE EVER been jinxed by a stat posted on our site! Never!

Matt Cerrone is the kind of guy to go up to a pitcher after the 6th inning–when he’s all alone and everyone else is on the opposite side of the dugout–to say, “Hey! You’ve got a perfect game going! Wow! There haven’t been many of those in all of history! This could be historic! You only need 9 more outs! Perfect game in the making wow you’re doing so well so far!!”

Preblow: Mets vs. Marlins is Contender vs. Pretender Series

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Skeeter is Marlins-colored.
Skeeter is Marlins-colored.

This is the biggest series of the season so far. Phils are dog doo. We have to win against “competing” teams without Wright. We have to beat up on the Marlins and show that our pitching is elite against Team Super Pretendo.

Our division can produce a Wildcard birth (PLAYOFFS!?!?!) because of how shitty it is. The Nats have produced some pretty impressive regular season records because of our division’s futility over the past few years.

We need to bully the Fins, especially without Fernandez. It’s the Pretender v Contender series, I’m just not 100% sure which team is which yet.

Tonight, we have our “worst” pitcher in Gee going against Cosart, arguably their best. The Mets can’t hit good pitching, so Gee is going to have to step up 2 the streets.

Happy Recap: Brooms! 

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Sweep! Mets win! 6-1. 

Niese looks real good. He scattered hits. He also had an RBI.

Our pitching is really good. We’re so deep. We lost Wheeler, Mejia, Parnell, Black, and Edgin. We’re still one of the NL’s best. 

However, our hitting is BAD, and even worse without David. The Phillies pen–and some of their starters–are baaaaaad. We put up 6 today, and 6 yesterday, mostly because their pitching is dog doo.

The Mets need to beat them into the ground all year. Now here comes the Marlins for 4 games. Gee, Colon, deGrom, Harvey. Big. We can’t ever win at Turner Field (tear it down already!), but if we can be even against the Nats (2 outta 3 so far!), even against the good-pitching Braves, and dominate the Phils, then it all comes down to the Fins. If we play them 18 times and go 12-6 against em, we’re looking at the playoffs. PLAYOFFS?! Hey, the NL blows!

I’m Boycotting Tonight’s Lineup

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It's a walkout!
It’s a walkout!

Holy shit does tonight’s lineup show how fucking Jewish the Wilpons are or what!?

  1. Curtis Granderson – RF
  2. Travis d’Arnaud – C
  3. Lucas Duda – 1B
  4. Michael Cuddyer – LF
  5. Daniel Murphy – 2B
  6. Eric Campbell – 3B
  7. Juan Lagares – CF
  8. Ruben Tejada – SS
  9. Jon Niese – LHP

Look how bad we are! This lineup couldn’t score with a drunk slut on prom night. Flores is hurt, so in comes Tejada. Wright is dead, so we’ve got Soupman batting 6th! Look at this fucking terrible lineup! We’re sooooo bad. It’s only Tax Day, and we’ve already lost Wright, Wheeler, Edgin, Mejia, Black, and Parnell. Flores stayed in yesterday’s game after being hit and now he’s dead. Cuddy is only playing today because we literally have NOBODY else. We have the depth of a Polish submarine built with screen doors*. I don’t think I can watch. The Wilpons refuse to pay to get talent on this team, so why should we pay their Jew asses? Boycott! It’s a walkout!

*Edit: Would that actually make the sub go really deep?

Matt Harvey & The Culture Change

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RAAARRRFF!!
RAAARRRFF!!

A few days ago, I posted about the culture change and how Matt Harvey needed to lead us there by throwing high & tight.

Well, thankfully, he reads Metsblow. Just look at that photo! He, as retaliation for two of our guys getting plunked, nailed Utley and then stared him the FUCK down, chaw-lip and all.

Thank you, Dark Knight. Thank you for being a winner.

P.S. Since he’s such a winner, he’ll be in pinstripes in 3 years 😥

D-Wright on 15-Day DL

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Hey look at me I'm sliding! I'm sliding! I'm dead!
Hey look at me I’m sliding! I’m sliding! I’m dead!

Welp, we’re out. Wright said he felt a pop. 15-day DL? More like out forever.

We have absolutely no depth. We’re bringing up Eric “Soupman” Campbell from AAA Vegas. We’re so bad we don’t even have a major league replacement for David. That’s ok, Soupman is hitting .550! Too bad that’s not as high as the .600 he was hitting at the roulette wheel.

The Metsblog hot take from Andrew “Vaggino” Vazzano said something like, “I hope Wright is healthy when he returns.” Wow, scorching hot take from Metsblog as usual. Keep hoping, Vag. Healthy Mets = AAA Mets. Talented Mets = dead.

Happy (??) Recap: Mets Win Game; Lose Wright

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"Have I been fired yet?"
“Have I been fired yet?”

Final Score: Mets 6, Phillies 5

On #HarveyDay–the first home HarveyDay in well over a year–Harvey was hardly the main attraction. He pitched a quality start and got the W. He made mistakes and good hitters (Utley) made him pay.

The big story (there were many, actually) is that David Wright is out. Yesterday, during the Hopener, before the game started, the whole organization was introduced and Mets trainer Ray Ramirez was booed mightily (almost as much as the Jewpons). I loved it. But today, Wright is to blame. He stole second during the bottom of the 8th for no reason, like an asshole. He slid like an asshole. Captain America: you are not Superman! You are my boy but holy shit that was boneheaded. Wright will likely be placed on the 15-day DL (re: he’s dead).

Also, as I said in the Liveblow (see previous article), Cuddy and Flores both got hit in the hand on shitty pitches (Harvey retaliated by hitting Utley wooot culture change!) and may both be out (re: dead). So on a day where we had our best pitcher and perhaps the best pitcher in the league on the hill, against perhaps the worst team, we manage to win by one run in the most pyrrhic way imaginable. We lost our captain and our best offseason acquisition. Eric “Soupman” Campbell is on his way to Queens.

As Rosie Perez says in White Men Can’t Jump, “sometimes when you win, you really lose, papi. And sometimes when you lose, you really win, papi.”

P.S. Fences in! Fences in! Murph with a dinger. And the Phillies had a shitload of dingers. Utley had two. I love how we complain that Citizens Bank is a bandbox and then the Phils come to Shitti and just mash dingers anyway.

P.P.S. Bean balls! Faux-Challenges! Ejections, oh my! This game was a bureaucratic travesty. As I said above, #HarveyDay was really #ShittyUmpireDay and man did they hear it from every side. The fans, both teams, and the booth. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ronnie get so hot. That one ridiculous delay really hurt Harvey up there. Ron was furious. The league has somehow implemented new rules that mandate faster games while making all the games slower. I haven’t seen this kind of hypocrisy in a book since the Bible. Get with the fucking robot umps, already!

Alderson on Mejia (Another Non-Concern)

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mejia1

As you know, Jenrry Mejia was suspended for performance-enhancing drugs. Apathetic Alderson took a hard-nosed, I really-want-to-be-commish-someday stance, and said there may not be a spot for Mejia when his suspension ends.

Wow, Sandy. And I thought your lack of concern for Thor was bad. This is next-level apathy. Jay Cutler–I don’t caaaaaare–style detachment. I guess the only way for Mejia to earn his spot back will be to juice so heavily during his suspension that he’s throwing 105 by the time he gets back.

Sandy Alderson Isn’t Concerned…

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Hrrrmmm...
Hrrrmmm…

Hey Sandy, are you concerned with Wilmer Flores, your purported starting SS for the foreseeable future, making ten errors and batting well below the Mendoza line?

“No,” said Sandy Alderson, the Mets GM, as he handed a hundred million dollars to Baby Jeffy Wilpon wrapped in a Mets snuggie that said, “Reyes 7” on the back of it.

Hey Sandy, are you concerned with Noah Syndergaard, your purported co-ace among aces for the foreseeable future, making multiple trips the MRI machine and experiencing forearm stiffness?

“No,” said Alderson, as he spoke with a funeral director about getting a grave plot next to, or at least in the vicinity of, Zack Wheeler’s tombstone.