Hey Montero, good game! As a reward, we’re sending you to fabulous Las Vegas!

Lefty Jack “Leatherface” Leathersich has been promoted to the team. He’s striking out everybody in the minors. We’ll see how that translates. When asked to comment, Terry Collins said, “If anyone should be called leatherface, it’s me. Look how tan I am!”

Big Sexy takes the hill tonight. He’s going for 5-0 in his first 5 starts. Wouldn’t that be something?

This is the rubber game of the series, and would also serve to salvage the road trip at .500, which is what playing on the road is all about. We’ve been roughly .500 on the road for years, while failing miserably at home. With the Mets celebrating their victories in April, I’m sure the other shoe will drop at Shittifield, but for now, and in general, it’s about winning at home and staying .500 on the road.

Tonight, tomorrow, and the next day, all at 7:10pm, the Mets are playing in Miami. The Mets are coming off the sloppiest game I’ve ever seen, but they are still in 1st place and in control (sort of). The Mets may also be jet-lagged, as they did not arrive in Miami until 6am this morning. Meanwhile, Keith “I Don’t Do Winter” Hernandez took an earlier flight and has been soaking in the sun with a piña colada in one hand and…well…probably a piña colada in the other hand, too.

Keys to the Series:

~Montero, making a “spot” start that the team swears isn’t an audition to take Gee’s place, needs to pitch well. This is technically our #6, or #7 if you count Wheeler, or #9 if you count Wheeler, Thor, and Matz. Let’s see what the kid can do. This is what our team is all about.

~Pretenders vs. Contenders once again. We have to stomp on our DREADFUL division opponents. The Marlins think they’re hot because they just stomped on the Phillies, and that’s fine. We were hot when we stomped on the Phillies, Marlins, and Braves.

~Shitty, shitty baseball cannot be tolerated. The Marlins are winning because they’ve been playing virtually error free for a week. Last night, we were completely bush league on the national stage. Mental mistakes and dogshit fielding cost us the game and the series against the NY-AL team. Now, we can crawl back to our cozy SNY 7:10p time slot and quietly go about our business.

P.S. I don’t hate John Kruk. He was a Philly, so there’s some bitterness there, but really, the dude knows how to hit and isn’t a bad color man. But I absolutely can’t STAND other broadcasters. Curt “I Didn’t Come From No Monkey” Schilling is awful. ESPN is awful and they really drag the games out. Let’s say the Mets make the playoffs (PLAYOFFS!?!?). Is there some way our guys can still cover the games? I know Ron Darling does TBS games but that’s not enough. Gary, Keith, and Ron 4eva eva.

This is the biggest series of the season so far. Phils are dog doo. We have to win against “competing” teams without Wright. We have to beat up on the Marlins and show that our pitching is elite against Team Super Pretendo.

Our division can produce a Wildcard birth (PLAYOFFS!?!?!) because of how shitty it is. The Nats have produced some pretty impressive regular season records because of our division’s futility over the past few years.

We need to bully the Fins, especially without Fernandez. It’s the Pretender v Contender series, I’m just not 100% sure which team is which yet.

Tonight, we have our “worst” pitcher in Gee going against Cosart, arguably their best. The Mets can’t hit good pitching, so Gee is going to have to step up 2 the streets.