The Summer Wind is Blowing Out

Hang on to your bathing suits. The summer wind is blowing waaaaay out.

A new Citi record for dingdongs? Wowzers. Murphy is obviously on steroids. Or maybe he just prays the best? He prays so good. When he boots the ball in the wildcard game against the Dodgers, we’ll quietly (loudly) tip our caps to Neil.

Babe Flores did it again. With Bryce Harper shushing the crowd and Murph screaming his fag-hating head off, Flores hit a go-ahead, three-run bomb to the 2nd deck off of Ollie Perez. Ollie Perez lolz. What the fuck is he doing on a supposedly good team? By the way Murph, you know Bryce Harper’s gay, right? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but we all know you do. The way he sassed the crowd? His hair? His Nattitude? Fucking GAAAAY.

Is Babe Flores a quntuple entendre? 1) He’s a babe. A stud. A fox. 2) Babe Ruth. 3) He’s still so young. 4) He has piggish nostrils. Still a fox, though. 5) He cried like a biiiitch when he got not-traded. Wee li’uhl bay-bee. You’re welcome, shitty writers of the world.

In the 9th, Murph–the steroid abusing, brain-farting, can’t field for shit stud that he is–got robbbbbbbed by Asdrubal. Great play. And then we finally got our piece of the Utley pie. That was a nice bonus.

Jose Reyes hit a dinger. He also got picked off? He stole and then unstole? What was that shit about? Get it together on the basepaths there, Jose.

I don’t mind that Collins left Colon** in. Harvey is dead with Jurassic Park syndrome. Out for season. RIP. Hopefully back for start of 2017 but we must stay focused. Wheeler’s return is delayed indefinitely. Bone spurs everywhere. Our pets heads are falling off! Let rubber arm Colon go. Why not? Colon not only knows how to pitch, but he also seemingly knows how to stay healthy. “How to Stay Healthy” by Big Sexy: 1) cultivate mass. 2) be in a radioactive explosion like Mr. Fantastic and come away with a rubber arm. Sexy Fantastic didn’t have it last night, but fortunately our bullpen doesn’t feature Ollie Perez. Or a guy that chokes MVPs in the dugout. Good job, Sandy!

Gutsy win. Gusty win, too, because the winds are bloooooooowing.

**Update: Sexy Fantastic is officially named to the All-Star Team! And it’s in San Diego, too. In case you need a reminder of what Tolo did in SD, here it is:


Why is Matt Harvey Getting Blamed?

Harvey dunzo.

Yeah, Harvey stinks. We get it. He emptied the tank last November. His bladder’s got a blood clot. His head’s not in the right place. We get it. We get it. Remember Strasburg had a few shitty years, too, before becoming the elite pitcher he is right now. Ebb and flow and all that bullshit.

But more importantly, Harvey is only out there for one out of five or so games. WHAAAAT THE FUUUUCCK happened to the hitting? We are scoring LESS THAN 2 FUCKING RUNS per game!!

Oh, and also, I ain’t mad at Asdrubal because he’s been a godsend, but if he doesn’t bobble that ball, we’re out of the 3rd inning unscathed. Instead, the wheels fell off because Harvey is lacking confidence (?) and couldn’t pick up his fielders. This was a game where the team needed to pick Harvey up and it just didn’t happen.

Even if Asdrubal makes that play, it was already 2-1 Nats and we didn’t score again. Soooooo, fuck it. We can’t hit for shit. That’s the issue right now. Harvey will work it out one start at a time. Run him out there. It’s a new season and he’s got arm fatigue, just like deGrom. They’re gonna have to deal with it. 6-man rotation when Wheeler gets back? Maybe put Verrett in there now?

Again, all of this is bullshit. It’s the hitting. End of story. We’re not scroing. You can’t win this way. It’s boring and painful, too. We look like the pre-Cespedes Mets of last year. By the way, last May 20th, we were 23-18. This year, we’re 22-18. Errrrr, yeah, Mets blow.

But this team is too good not to break out of this funk. Everyone has funky stretches. The cream rises to the top. No better time to break out of this bullshit than in Colorado. Wait, fuck. That happened already and we didn’t hit for shit. Wow, Mets blow, huh? Ummm…well…the Brewers are in town now. Sooooo, time to fucking hit, right? They’ve got just about the worst team ERA in the majors. You know who has worse? The Rockies! OOOOOOOOPS.

P.S. It was nice seeing Murph again. Murphyball will hurt the Nats somewhere down the road, but for the most part he’s a gem and is forever cemented in some amazin’ Mets lore. I don’t think the crowd will be giving Cap’n Kirk 3-dingers the same ovation this week, but let it be known that in classic METS disease fashion, Kirk, no longer in a Mets uniform, is having a solid season so far.


Thor strutting off the field after K'ing Harper with 99mph cheddar.
Thor strutting off the field after K’ing Harper with 99mph cheddar.

Mets 5, Nats 2

SWEEEEEEP!! Chooooooo. Hype! Hype! Hype! The city’s on fire with orange and blue. We’re actually doing it. The Mets blow, sure, but the Nats blow harder. The NL is weak as shit, and the Mets could very well be the best team. Don’t sleep on the champion Giants. The Cards are always in it. But at least in our division, we have a shot to prove we’re the best.

Notes on ESPN: FUCK Y’ALL. Y’ALL SUUUUUCH. No Gary, Keith, and Ron is a huge loss already, but to be replaced with babbling idiots, a k-box, and horrible camera work is just annoying as fuck. SNY is a local crew, and they’re making the national “leader in sports” look like dogshit.

Notes on Thor: You’re the shit. K’ing Harper with your final pitch was an iconic image. A changing of the guards exemplified by that moment.

Notes on our staff: Elite. Clippard addition flew a bit under the radar (and rightfully so since we had dudes breaking down in tears on the field and the biggest impact bat signing of the deadline), but don’t forget he’s a fucking beast. I’ll take him and Familia over Storen and Pap any day.

Notes on the Nats: They’re diva bitches that haven’t won shit. Harper cries like a little girl (and not in the endearing Wilmer Flores way). Storen and Papelbon are feuding. Matt “I bite my shoulder when I bat” Williams sure ain’t no Davey Johnson. They blow. Fuck ’em. They haven’t won shit. LOSERS. They’re Team Hubris. Why don’t ya shut down Scherzer in September? I think he’s approaching his innings limit. (Sidenote: if the Mets do that with anyone, I’ll go fucking nuts. ALL IN. Cespedes ain’t guaranteed to be here long).

Notes on our offense: You know what to do. You just have to be mediocre. Metsblow nation has been saying it all year. If we can score 4 or 5 instead of 0 or 1 (we have scored 0 or 1 more than any other team this year), then we are the best team in baseball. Just pull your weight. I believe we can. Having Jelly the left-handed hitter come up for Flores (or vice versa) late in games when the opponent makes a pitching change is big. The weight off of Duda and the protection he now has is huge. DEPTH! Let’s go, boys. Pull your weight.

Notes on Cespedes: Congrats on your first hit as a Met. It is a joy to watch you. You’re an actual ballplayer. We haven’t had that since Reyes + Beltran, or since Wright got beaned. Cespedes hits line drives, runs the bases well, has a cannon arm, is a + on defense, hits for power, hits for average, hits it in the gaps, knows how to hit sac flies…it’s just amazing to watch real ballplayers play.

Notes on 1st place: It’s a mummer’s 1st place. Nats have played fewer games. They technically still control their fate. But let’s enjoy the sweep. The NL Least must be destroyed, starting today in Miami. We have to beat them the fuck up–road or home is irrelevant. Miami is doooogshit. We won’t see Fernandez. Latos is gone. Stanton’s still injured. They’re playing worse than the Phillies right now.

I love that the Mets came out of the whirlwind (and what a whirlwind!) better than ever. I can’t believe it. I thought the Padres series would do them in, but they–the team, the front office, the fans–have all rallied. Good teams don’t let 1 game matter. Every series is now a test. It’s a pennant race. It’s official. Let’s go. Short memory every day. Move forward with a must-win mentality every day. GET HYPED while you still have the chance, because the Jewpons are sure to steal this away from us somehow.

Preblow: Gio and Ruben Both Blow

Gio blows. We know, we know. Oh, oh. Too bad we don’t have Wright in the lineup. We’ll see how the lefties do against him.

Ruben blows. We know, we know. Oh, oh. Flores is getting the day off. The reasoning is that since Jon Niese induces a lot of ground balls (and a lot of home runs), Ruben is in the starting lineup to provide a defensive upgrade at SS, except that he doesn’t. Ruben Tejada is bad at everything. You look at him, look at this average, and go, “hmmm, well he must be able to field or something.” Nope. “Well, he must be fast or something.” Nope.

Niese is looking to bounce back from his nationally televised shitshow. C’mon Jon.

Preblow: Biggest Game of the Season

Happy #HarveyDay

It’s no exaggeration; it’s the biggest game of the season. Harvey has to throw a CGSO if he expects to win. Nuff said.

Collins sounds defeated in the pressers, and rightly so. We’re playing as expected, meaning we can’t hit for shit. To challenge this, Herrera has been brought up to play 2B and Murph has been shifted to 3B. This, of course, is also to break up the worst defensive middle infield in franchise (and all of MLB?) history. 

Ok, it’s not the worst in history, but I bet it IS the worst when you add the fact that the Jewpons tried to sell us on it. What I mean is, there have been worse M-IFs before, but the owner(s) and GM(s) have said, “hey we know it’s trouble but this is all we can do for the time being.” This is the worst one in history where the top brass has had the audacity to say, “these are our guys!” So tell me, does that make our top brass retarded for believing that or retarded for believing that we’d buy into that? 

Biggest game of the season. We need a dark knight. 

New Pitcher Blevins Likes Being on the Mets and I’ll Tell You Why

“I see a huge opportunity with this organization,” said newly acquired LH reliever Jerry Blevins. “We have a chance to shock some people in the NL East.”

Blevins went on to say, “You see, the Nationals are really good. I used to pitch for them. I’m very bad, so I’m very happy to be on the Mets! They didn’t even have any lefty relievers, so I made the team by default! It’s so awesome! They sent down my only potential competition, some guy named Dario something. I’m pretty sure that’s the guy who’s banging Daenerys on Game of Thrones. Anyway, Let’s Go Mets!”