Listen, I don’t like to go off book, too much. Metsblow prides itself on it’s sitcom-like formula: Mets show promise in Spring, this year’s gonna be different, Metsblow, struggling, sputtering, signs of life, masking tape, struggling, wheels fall off, repeat. Classic formula. Bang, zoom, to the moon! We like to focus on the Mets and how much they blow. I don’t like to talk too much about other teams, unless it’s to preview them before they roll into town and destroy us.
But I have to go out of MLB today. I have to because my alma mater, Vanderbilt, is one win away from the college chip. Dansby Swanson, last year’s CWS MVP, was the #1 draft pick. This would make for back-to-back chips for Vandy.
So, is a college team better than the Mets? We know for a FACT that the Mets minor leaguers are better than the major leaguers (see the plot of Major League 3: Back to the Minors), and that they’re only still down there because they need their “reps.” Don’t believe me? Well, what about when Thor was down there? Thor and Matz are taking 2 out of 3 in 3 game series against us, MARK IT DOWN. They score runs.
Anyway, this is a huge rant (like every article). I’ll stick to the Mets, I swear. But I just want to let the world know that a college team is better than the Mets. They’re better. They’re actually better. They score runs sometimes.
What’s the point of typing this? Sloppy etc, Fundies etc, d’Arnaud hurt, “we’re waiting for David Wright’s return” etc, blah blah fucking blah.
Here is a quote from the Maverick a few years back:
“We like what we’re seeing from Andres Torres. We don’t think Pagan will pan out.” *Cut to Pagan winning rings on rings*
And one from the most recent offseason:
“There was really nobody available.” *Cut to Kang and Pittsburg winning the wildcard*
Freeman didn’t even play yesterday, or the day before. The Braves not only gift-wrapped the series, but let’s be real here, they went into this season with wrapping paper. “Yeah we’re gonna give up Upton and Kimbrel and really look to bolster ourselves for a 2017 run.” And then on June 1, they amended that statement with, “Wait, everyone the division sucks dick? Yeah, ok, I guess we’re in it, then.”
We are 3-15 in our last 18 road games. Wow. I guess it makes sense. We’re just a simple, small market team, after all. MAVERICK!
In the 1st inning, the Braves made a mental error and our announcers made the following exchange:
Keith- Mental error #1 on the game goes to the Braves! I’ll try and keep track of the mental error score today. I don’t know if I can.
Ron- You’ll need an abacus.
Shortly after this conversation, d’Arnaud threw a ball down to 2nd on a stolen base attempt and nobody was covering the base. It was amazing. You could hear Keith’s bottle slamming the table. *glug glug THUMP.* Ronnie said, “It’s so sloppy. Is this single-A ball?” They were going off. Shortly after, Campbell (playing 3rd) stepped on 3rd instead of throwing home on a crucial play. Keith went nuts. More from them:
Ron- It’s suspect. Really suspect.
Keith- The infield defense is not good. Not good at all.
No other announcer in the league would dream of this kind of blunt talk.
Burn Turner Field to the ground (2 more years!). It’s hainted. Hainted I tells ya. We give 32 outs per game.
1 positive note: Grandy hit a ball 420ft. Whooooooo cares? The Braves, with the worst pen in the league, basically mowed us down anyway.
d’Arnaud got hurt and his dead. Good thing we have these new safety rules at the plate!!
ANOTHER LIE DEJA FUCKING VU: Daniel Murphy will be back on Saturday. NOPE. Daniel Murphy will be back on Tuesday. NOPE. Just tell us he’s dead! We can take the news. We just can’t take the lies. WE HATE YOU, JEFF WILPON. WE ALL HATE YOU. FUCK YOU.
It’s really all happening. Deja Vu argh. We’re gonna set a ML record for injuries and for lowest ERA ever to miss the playoffs.
Wave bye-bye to first place. We’re officially .5 games back. Say bye-bye, sweetie! WAIVE bye bye to Gee. Opening Day starter 2014. Worthless. Completely worthless. Nice job, Maverick! Meanwhile, Scherzer is the best pitcher in baseball, throwing a nono last night (should’ve been a perfect game but the Pirates out-gamed him by leaning into a pitch). It makes sense that the Nats picked him up. Their staff was SO BAD last year. That’s why they made the move. They didn’t have ANY PITCHING LAST YEAR. Oh, wait, they had the best pitching in league history? And made a move anyway? To improve? But why improve? I don’t understand. That’s not the maverick way.
Today, the Mets try to avoid the sweep against a Braves team that doesn’t have Freeman (their best player bar none). Harvey v Teheran. Happy #HarveyDay whatever fuck you.
The face of an owner who has really got his shit together, right?
The Mets currently have 4 aces and are still blowing hard dick. Bring up Matz and it’s 5 aces. HOORAY! Now we can lose 1-0 or 2-1 EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
I know the box score says that deGrom blew it. Same with Tolo. BUT IT IS NOT TRUE. The fundies, dammit! ON BOTH SIDES! We can’t field bunts and we can’t lay them down. It’s embarrassing to watch. It’s disgusting. Even Collins–yes I know he has a scrub lineup–is to blame. You have to teach this shit.
Are we 1 month away from Conforto? He’s raking. How do we make room for him? Well, Lagares needs TJ. OOPS! So that solves that. Also Cuddy will be hurt soon. Lock.
Nimmo is back from the DL. So Conforto and Nimmo are the answers? We’re going to go ALL-IN on guys that have zero ML ABs?! We have a 3-year window with these aces.
Wheeler won’t be back until the All-Star Break anyway. You need a bat. You need two. We completely fucked up by not trading Tolo when he was 5-0 and had value. Now he’s worthless again. The best chance we have is Montero getting healthy and rocking it for a month and then dishing him.
Hell, Conforto and Nimmo are doomed, anyway. The Mets will mismanage their injuries and hail them as saviors with impossible expectations and they’ll be hurt and done by June.
Gee is gone. We gave Logan Verrett his number. Opening starter 2014. Nothing to show for it. METSBLOW! Gee will probably get picked up by the Cubs and the Cubs will win the 2nd Wildcard over us.
The Cubs are smart. Theo (GM) won’t give up Addison Russell for less than Matz AND Thor. WOOF! We’re sitting here scoring 0.000 runs/gm and Theo knows it. And he’s barking. And Sandy’s peeing his pants.
Herrera will replace Murph. Murph gonna walk. 100% lock. We’ll get nothing for him.
We won’t spend a dime. JEW COVETOUSNESS. We let Reyes walk!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
We made a hard pass on Uribe. “WHY WOULD WE NEED A GUY BATTING .290!?” -Alderson
I have 2 solutions:
1) Go get an impact bat. You have to. Go and do it. Either bring Conforto up or convince the Cubs somehow to get us Soler and/or Baez (he’s hurt, might be a discount).
2) Jeff Wilpon should kill himself. Go ahead and kill yourself.
I don’t have shit to say. CGSO or bust. Thor may need to go 14 innings to win this one. Fuck this team. We’d be a 100 win team with a fucking medicore-at-best hitting/fielding lineup. Instead, we dump out the WORST road team in the history of baseball. Nobody scores less runs. Nobody gift wraps more runs for the other team. Disgusting. Metsblow.
I thought that extra inning loss to the Braves LAST WEEK was the worst loss of the season. NOPE! This one was worse.
It all starts with the fundies, of course. Derp Grandy derp error in the 4th. And so a completely deGrominating 4th inning becomes a runner on 3rd with Jacob now having to dial it up and pitch under pressure. Yeah he got out of it because he’s the best pitcher in the league, but it still adds many stressful pitches to his count. When the 8th rolled around and it was 1-0 (we’ve scored 2 total runs in about 33 innings now), deGrom’s pitch count was >100 instead of <100 like it should have been.
We suck. We blow. We’re out. I’m done. We’re wasting the most amazing pitching this club has even seen.
Oh and how about Tejada! My boy! Another double.
Grandy needs to be pulled from the leadoff spot. Change his name to Kurtis.
Not to take away from deGrom but Freeman was hurt. We lost to the Braves without Freeman in the lineup. Utterly pathetic.
I know Wisler isn’t a bum making his ML debut. He’s touted. I get that. But damn, talk about a Confidence Game for him. He hasn’t seen a lineup this bad since single-A.
THE FUNDIES! THE FUNDIES!! We couldn’t get the lead runner on a bunt attempt because we were lined up out of position (Ruben!). Then, Flores can’t get a guy on an infield “single.” I hate it so much. I hate watching them. deGrom gets the L!? Amazing. Unfuckingbelievable. The unflappable deGrom smashed the water cooler in frustration, uttering, “I can’t wait to be a Yankee.”
Keith would love Metsblow. He’s certainly a Metsblower. Glaringly bad defense on this road trip. It’s fundies. We gift-wrapped this one.
Oh, and also, Collins brought in Familia in a losing situation. Yeah, go ahead and make him unavailable for the rest of the series. Niiiiice. Oh, and he’s hurt! Groin injury! YAY!
Yesterday, TC said that Lagares’ elbow injury is a torn ligament requiring Tommy John surgery. “Well, there’s only a couple of things you can do,” Collins continued. “One would be to have Tommy John and the other would be to rest it and just be careful.”
However, Sandy Alderson later clarified (re: LIED) that Tommy John surgery isn’t a consideration. “It’s not anything we’re looking at,” Alderson said. “It’s not an issue. He has soreness in the elbow.”
Soreness! HA! Have you seen him throw this season? Did you see him throw last season? 100% TJ is needed. Give me a fucking break. Cannon to noodle. Fuck you, Sandy, you “Pinocchio Ass Nigga.”
Juanny Beisbol has also been playing through a rib injury that has been bothering him for weeks and had slightly diminished his range, but Collins says that it’s finally healed.
“The rib injury is going away. So that’s not a factor,” Collins said. “He’s swinging the bat real well right now.”
It’s true, he’s hitting better in June. Hopefully he can get his full range back. He’s been beat a couple of times this year. That NEVER happened last year. Sandy and the Mets are mishandling the shit out of Juanny. Pray for him.
White man weak…like the antelope. Red man strong…like the buffalo.
OK, round 2 against the maize munchers this week. We took 2 out of 3 at Shitti (should’ve been a sweep…thanks a lot Familia’s kid). Now, we’ll likely get swept in Atlanta like we always do. Atlanta has been our hell for as long as I can remember. We usually get swept harder than the disease-soaked blankets that we distributed to these tomahawk chuckers.
I’m not sure where Bob Costas will be for all this. Someone call Dan Snyder and tell him to support the Wompum-trading dirt-worshippers.
We’ve got 3 of our big cannons going. Tonight, it’s deGrom vs Matt Wisler, making his major league debut. Last year’s ROY should outduel the shit out of him, but there’s not better lineup to make your debut against than the Mets. The Mets have the worst road hitting in baseball bar none. Lowest run total, lowest everything.
Then, it’s Thor vs Perez, and finally Harvey vs Teheran in a battle of aces on Sunday (at 5:05…fuckin Atlanta). With those arms, it should be a sweep for us. But with our lineup, naaaaaht so fast. Joke. Team is a joke. Fucking god damn joke. Head on over to the illegal sportsbook at the Wahoo Sands Resort and put it all on the Mets scoring less than 5 runs in 3 games. Good god almighty Metsblow.
Well, the Mets have scored 4 runs in the past 3 games…and the Blue Jays don’t even pitch that well. Dickey had his vintage dick going. He looked every bit as good as when he was with the Mets. Amazing performance. It could’ve been a no-no. It could’ve been a complete game, but the ump wasn’t giving him all the calls (Dickey argued with him profusely) and his pitch count rose a bit high, even for a knuckleballer. Duda hit a dinger, and that was it for Dickey. The game was already completely out of reach (3-run maximum, remember?) when Dickey got pulled.
I love RA. It’s probably the best individual season of baseball I’ve ever experienced. Maybe, like, uhhh, Wright in ’06. I was super jacked up about him every at bat. The Mets infield in ’99 was a thrill. Lagares’s D last year was the best I’ve ever seen. It’s pretty sick watching someone get chosen/go Super Saiyan. I guess Darrelle Revis had the best sports season ever…multiple times…of any New Yorker in my generation. Dickey #2.
In a certain way, I loved this game. Watching Dickey work is always wonderful. Shit, even Revis having a ring feels right to me in some way. I want this Mets team embarrassed. I want Wilpon and Sandy embarrassed. Two nonos in a week would’ve been sweet. That’s the kind of stuff Metsblow dreams are made of.
And I don’t blame Tolo ONE BIT. The box score doesn’t tell the story–not by a long shot. Flores fails to catch a ball right in his glove. Flores then fails to avoid the takeout slide on the DP opportunity. Then Reyes rips an RBI single. Remember Reyes, y’all? The dude who was with the team for less time than Ruben Tejada? Remember him? He’s the best SS in club history? And we let him walk? Doody poop. Keith fumed about the fundies. I’m with him. I blame Tolo a 0%. Big time home book. We were out of the “big inning” TWICE.
So we’ve got 4 aces. When we bring up Matz, we’ll have 5. And we’ll lose 1-0 or worse every night. Awesome. Totally awesome.
Conforto continues to rake. Nimmo is back from the DL and picking up right where he left off. Lagares needs TJ and Cuddyer will get hurt soon enough. What are we going to do about our lineup? It better be something.
Welp, we either split the series or we win it. Not too shabby. It’d be nice to win a road game once in a while. That’s asking too much, I suppose.
Big Sexy will not be batting. Damn DH. Awful rule. AWFUL.
R.A. (Really Awesome) Dickey will face the Mets, including the man he was traded for: Travis d’Arnaud. Thor already showed the Jays that we got the best of the trade. MAVERICK!
The Mets are fucking dogshit on the road. Get it together for one game. This isn’t the same Dickey that won the Cy Young. This is a homer-happy stadium so let’s see some fucking runs. Getting blanked in Toronto last night was fucking embarrassing. Do your jobs.
MetsBlow 