The Mets have agreed to allow the use the pitchers they selected in the 2014 draft to be involved in a study being run by MLB.
“I look forward to running zee experimentations,” said Qyburn, the new head of TJ studies for the MLB.
“We just don’t understand what’s going wrong,” said Sandy Alderson, as he counted the pesos on his desk in preparation to give to Ray Ramirez for his weekly stipend.
“MY FUNNY BONE WAAAAAHHH!!!,” cried Baby Jeffy Wilpon
They’re busting! If only we had Jerry to help us (re: Jerry, please buy the Mets please please please).
First: I’m always right. Metsblow knows. Metsblowers know me and know I’m always right. What specifically am I referring to? In the preseason, I said that YOU SHOULD NEVER COUNT THE YANKEES OUT. Never. Ever. Because they have money. Their version of Moneyball is to spend money to play better ball. It works every time. They will always be good. Maybe only playoffs good 14/15 of the time, but they’re always formidable. Not to mention, with their bandbox of a stadium, they can always hit late-inning dingers and turn any perceived blowout into a game. Never count the Yankees out. Mets fans should know better.
Second: I’m always right. About what this time? In the preseason, I said that A-Roid would be one of the best players on the team, and would be dangerous at the plate. This was again 100% accurate. He’s healthy now. He’s juicing again. Both big things. I applaud him. He’s not lying about it anymore, which I also appreciate. A lot of his success is due to Jeter finally being removed. Jeter is an egomaniac and cast a shadow on ARod from the moment ARod came to the Bronx. Jeter was jealous that Alex was a much, MUCH better baseball player. Yes, Jeter is Captain Clutch and I respect that. But Jeter was also a bad, BAD fielder. Mediocre at best when he won a gold glove in ’04, and had a NEGATIVE impact on the team when he won several of his other gold gloves. Horrendous popularity contest voting. Jeter hated ARod, and he hurt the entire team in the process. They got 1 ring together, but could’ve had more. ARod had to move to 3rd since, despite being the much better SS, Jeter had nowhere else to go (because he can’t play anywhere) except DH and was too much of an egomaniac to move.
Third: Be careful of Pineda and CC. They can pitch. CC may be past his prime, but one could say the same about A-Roid or Beltran, and they’re still threats. Never count them out. We don’t hit as well as the Yankees (I hope Grandy is licking his chops to hit to their right field fence again!) and could be looking at 1-0 and 2-0 losses, as we always are. deGrom and Limpfoot Harvey need to be in top form, because they’ve got big name matchups.
Fourth: This is great for the young players. As the NBA playoffs are currently proving, and as the playoffs in any sport ALWAYS prove, experience is everything. You can’t get World Series experience until you’re actually there (as Timo “Deer In Headlights” Perez and the rest of the 2000 Mets showed in the Subway World Series), and you can’t even get playoff experience until you’re actually there, but BIG GAME experience matters. And these are big games. Mets fans rocking the place at Shittifield is important, and now we’ll get some big game experience on the road. I hope our young guys are up to the challenge now, but either way, with guidance from TC and D-Wright, they will learn from this.
Finally: Metsblog is so douchey. They’re already talking about how this streak means we’re basically guaranteed to make the playoffs. They’re such fucking shills. We only need NOT to pull a Mets and we’re guaranteed to make the playoffs so buy merch now and buy tickets now if you’re a real fan 😀 ugh fuck them.
Thor got scratched for an “illness” today. Don’t worry, he’ll start tomorrow! Or Sunday! We don’t know!
And to think, we could’ve traded Thor and Wheelies for Tulo. Of course, the Mets would never do that because the Jewpons would never take a $118mil contract! Oh, it’s not because they’re cheap Jews, it’s just because we’re Moneyball guys now! Oh, wait, you’re telling me that according to Moneyball logic, Tulo is actually the best player in baseball and is worth double what the Rockies are paying him? Please direct any further questions to our friend, Bernie…
Wow. Wooooow. More strong pitching! More insurance runs! Wow.
Game balls:
Colon, for another quality start, and another sure-to-be-viral act, this time successfully running down and tagging out a base-runner.
Murphy, for a bunch of RBIs. Also a demerit (a blow?) for a mental mistake in the field. The billionth of his career.
Fa-Fucking-Milia
Shittifield for being a clear home-field advantage for us. Game balls to everyone who moved the fences in or put something in the grass or did whatever to finally make Shittifield into our home and for the first time not a place where roughly 500 people go to eat food and stare at losers.
We’re going streaking!! Bring your green hat, and your Mets hat.
We’re streaking like my underpants after taco night.
Our talent is showing (because we’re naked). Flores has been pretty good. Prettaaaay, prettaaay good. TC said he was clutch and then he went out and hit a late-inning, game-tying dinger. Meanwhile, I think Dillon “cut from the rotation” Gee went out and proved once again that he’d be a #3 on a lot of teams. I think he’s getting healthy again.
What’s wrong with Murph? I think he missed Spring Training and was forced back early since they didn’t want Tejada playing opening day or at all. I think by the end of May, he’ll be fine. April is his ST. He’s too good a hitter. Can you get METS 5 years in? It’s usually contracted early.
The concern: We didn’t hit that crumb-bum Stultz much. A guy like Teheran (pitching today against Big Sexy) can really mow us down. Our hitting simply isn’t all the way there. Like I’ve said, we’re going to see a lot of 3-2 and 2-1 and 1-0 scores and things like that. The victories stem from our rotation out-gaming the opposing pitcher.
Grandy and Murph get the night off, but Duda stays in the lineup to face the lefty. And it’s a shitty lefty in Eric Doodoo Stults, so how bout a dinger!?
This is the game that we’re “supposed” to lose because Dillon Gee is starting. FUCK THAT! As I’ve said many times, the team tried to push Gee out. Well, now Gee has the opportunity to play his way off the team. The Mets don’t want you. Pitch well and some other team will.
P.S. I guess Grandy’s reward for his big night is getting to sit out? I see that Mayberry has great numbers against Stults, but doesn’t everybody?