Hey Daniel, Jesus has a plan for everyone. The faggots will burn in hell forever. What about you and your quad? Well, you are about to enter PURGATORY FOR ALL ETERNITY, otherwise known as the Mets’ 15-day DL. They will tell you you’re going to return tomorrow, then the next day, then the next, and so on and so forth.
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Post/Preblow Double Whammy: Who Gives A Shit?
Mets 6, D-Backs 2
Welp, this is our team. Ruben Tejada leading off. What a team. Our lineup got mowed down by Oliver Perez. Yes, THAT Oliver Perez.
But we won. We won because Matt Harvey returned to form. We won because AZ made some costly errors. We won because their pitching is fucking atrocious.
This matchup is baseball 101. The D-Backs have the BEST HITTING IN THE LEAGUE. They are 1st in runs, but Harvey held them down. A couple of solo dingers, but mostly unscathed. The D-Backs have HORRENDOUS PITCHING. They are the inverse Mets. And here we are in first place, and there they are below .500. That’s baseball 101.
If we had a mediocre offense–just MEDIOCRE–we’d be a 100 win team. We’re at or near the bottom in every fucking offensive category. Total runs, RBIs, hits, BA, OBP (the Maverick stat), sac flies, sac bunts*, team speed, it goes on…not to mention our defense sucks ass, too. Metsblow.
*Oh, dear God the bunting!! The next off day, the Mets should hire a specialist (Tom Glavine?) to come in, line the team up, and make them bunt for 18 hours straight. The fundies! The fundies!! Keith is crying.
Preblow for tonight: Jon Niese either rights the ship or gets replaced by Matz.
Preblow: Harvey On 5 Days Rest Uh-Ooooh
We’re in Arizona. We love getting demolished on the road against the NL West. Can Harvey buck the trend?
Speaking of trends, Harvey is on his worst streak ever. Can he out-duel some schmuck with a 5+ ERA? I remember Hellickson. We whooped his ass last time. Well, don’t count on it. Harvey hates the extra rest. Well, don’t worry, because the 6-man rotation has already evaporated. But for now, you better be rested and ready to fucking go. Harvey hasn’t had a win in 4 or so starts (including back-to-back shutout performance no decisions). With the extra rest, TC should let Harvey keep going. Shutout ball for 14 innings until the Mets finally scratch out an unearned run against this garbage team. The D-Backs are below .500, and below .500 at home, too.
I don’t really have shit to say. Fuck this team. 4 games out in AZ…hmm…can we win this series? Have we won a road series against the NL West once int he past 5 years?
Postblow From The Edge
At least now we don’t have to face Trumbo. A power-hitting outfielder? Who needs that!? MAVERICK.
Fathers (I don’t speak Spanish) 7, Metropolitans 3
Clearly, Gee wasted his bullets in the minors.
Tejada with a foul out and an error in the 1st inning. That’s more like it! The only thing weird is that he usually doesn’t bat in the first inning.
The 6-man rotation experiment is over before it began. TC is gonna skip Gee to give Harvey the 5 day schedule. No reason to keep his arm fresh for “October.” Hell, at this point the Braves have a better shot than us.
Parnell is getting shelled in Binghamton. His ERA is 18.69 oops.
Bring up Dominic Smith. Bring up Conforto.
The Mets have lost 9 out of their last 10 road games.
Sleep well, sweet Prince David. We pray for you.
Cuddyer Out With a Stiff Neck
Welp, it looks like striking out repeatedly in horrific fashion finally caught up to the old cocksucker. Striking out, doing a 360 like a ballerina, and bonking yourself in the back of the head with your bat is never a good combo.
Replacing Cuddyer will be my boy Darrell “Greasy” Ceciliani! He’s a wop genius. He’s got about 1 hit this year, which is more than Kirk! So greasy. Go greasy.
On a serious note, Cuddyer was ACTUALLY starting to turn things around (things other than his neck). It figures. Get a little bit hot, and the Gods smite thee! Meanwhile Tanaka is healthy and dominating, despite missing his UCL. Which team does God root for? I guess they’ve got Jesus AND Buddha over there. We only have the Many-Faced-God. Valar Morghulis. Metsar Injurus (All Mets must get injured).
Preblow: Golly Gee
Today, the Mets look to win the rubber game at Petco. Dillon Gee takes the hill for the first time since his “injury,” and the Mets will get a glimpse of how this whole 6-man rotation is working out.
Gee is winless on the season (mostly due to a lack of run support). The Mets are opposed by James Shields, who is undefeated. Bruh-oh.
Gee, who hit the DL with a case of the “Sandy Alderson doesn’t know what to do with a surplus of talent,” claimed he was “wasting bullets” in his AAA rehab assignment. I tell my girlfriend the same thing when she wants me to pull out.
As I advised during Spring Training, this is Gee’s shot to get the fuck off this awful team! You could be on the Cubs, or even the Yankees, in a few short weeks if you pitch well. Good luck, Godspeed, Go Gee.
Postblow: Thor Forgot His Hammer
Padres 7, Mets 2
Out of 1st place. Oooooh so disappointing. I really thought we were gonna put a stranglehold on it and never let it go.
In the preblow–which went unpublished because I didn’t finish it in time whatever fuck you do you know who I am!? I’m Mr. Metsblow dammit! I do what I want! Whateva, whateva–I asked the questions, “How many times do you think the phrase ‘Vintage Kennedy’ will be uttered tonight? O/U is 40. How many runs will the Mets score? O/U is 2.5” and I took the OVER and the UNDER, respectively.
Well, I split, because “vintage Kennedy” was only said about 35 times. The man with a 7+ ERA this season mowed us down. I know, I know, I didn’t publish the preblow, but again, whatever. Metsblowers know the deal. They know these predictions are real. They know how much the Mets FUCKING BLOW.
Thor got shelled. He’ll bounce back. Good to give the kid a little adversity.
Flores made a great, leaping grab that should’ve been a double play, but as Flores landed and went to toss the ball to 2nd, Murph was celebrating like a goon instead of covering the base. Murphalicious!
Also, in yesterday’s Mets news and Metsblow news from over a month ago, David Wright is dead. No timetable. No return. Dunzo. Duuuuhhhhh. Thanks for finally not lying to us, Mets news. It only took a month of lies, whereas y’all lied about Reyes for an entire season. Thanks for the transparency.
Also, the Mets shill fuck from WFAN* (not Howie, I love Howie, it was some other guy). said that Zobrist would “not be a good fit” for the Mets. WHAATT!?!!? How fucking widespread is the Jew disease in Mets land?! The only possibly explanation for anyone saying that is that Zobrist will cost money, and therefore wouldn’t be a good fit with the avaricious, covetous demon soul Jews that run the team.
Oh, wait, I thought of another reason why Zobrist wouldn’t fit. Maybe this is what the radio dweeb meant: You see, Zobrist is a good player. He stays healthy, he hits well, he fields well, and he’s a smart baseball player. That kind of player just wouldn’t be a good fit with this team. Ooooh, now I understand.
*Yes I still call it WFAN. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t like change!! Except for change in ownership.
Another PR Disaster For the Mets: David Wright Jersey Day
On Saturday, June 13, head on out to Citifield for a David Wright jersey!
As Gary and Ronnie announced this yesterday, they couldn’t help but cackle. Their open mocking of the organization was welcomed.
Why were they laughing, you ask? Is it because Wright won’t be in the lineup on that day? Oh, if only it were that simple. The reason they were laughing is because the sponsor for the jersey–with their logo prominently appearing on the jersey (photo not yet available)–is THE HOSPITAL FOR SPECIAL SURGERY.
You just can’t make this shit up. The Jewpons and Horowitz (what a Jew name) and the rest of ’em have one hell of a sponsor, there. “Hospital for Special Surgery: Home of the Mets!”
Postblow: Mets Win But Can’t Have Nice Things
Mets 7, Padres 0
The Nats game was rained out. The Mets won and are now tied for 1st place. Whooooo cares? NL LEEEEEEAAAASSSTT. Doodoo division.
On the 3-year anniversary of NOHAN (*swoon*), deGrom was almost as good, perhaps better in certain ways. Eight shutout innings. He faced 25 batters on route to recording 24 outs. But he got hurt (more on that later in the postblow). deGrom also looked great fielding his position. He’s the best infielder on the team by far. By the way, if deGrom throws a no-no, will they call it neGrom?
Ruben continues to blaaast. If he’s found a home in the 2-hole, chooo. Put him at SS for the rest of the season. Flores 2b, Murph 3b. Honestly, he’s lacing it. I don’t care. He’s been endearing me ever since I heard his electric theme music (Na De Na Ruby Rube Tejada) for the first time. I don’t think he even uses that song anymore, which is fine, because he clearly couldn’t hit for shit with that one. Bottom line: I don’t care. The Mets front office called him “lazy” a few years ago. Warranted? Racist? I don’t know. I just know he’s hitting now. I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. I’m all in on Team Tejada. I have been for a while. He’s hitting. His ABs aren’t boring. It’s a story. I don’t care. He’s the 4th best hitter on the team (behind Duda, Syndergaard, and Tolo). He’s roping it. “Ruben + Murph” could be a fun cat + dog show on Nickelodeon.
Here’s an important question: How hurt is Lagares? Kinda hurt? Or does he need TJ? Lagares and Cuddyer colliding at the very beginning of May. Juanny Beisbol was hitting .297 at the time. Since then, he has hit .211 and his arm has looked less-than-stellar. His arm’s dead. He’s also missed a couple balls out there. He still looks great on D, but he’s only been a 9.5 out there, unlike last year, when he was an 11. He’s hurt. We need about 2.5 more outfielders.
Here’s why we can’t have nice things: We won last night’s game 7-0. But what is the real story? The real story is that deGrom tweaked his hip and Duda didn’t even play because of a stiff (dead) knee. First good game in a while? NOPE! Two major injuries.
Post/Preblow: This is June. Where Are We At?
So let’s dive into all of it.
1) The Mets beat the Marlins, avoiding the sweep, 4-3. Hooray. Throw a fucking parade. Tolo had an RBI double that was sexy as fuck. A player with average speed (nobody on the Mets except Lagares) would’ve had an inside-the-park home run out of it. Whatever. Save your energy for the mound. Good W. 8 sexy wins for Tolo. Let me restate: our lack of speed (Grandy had a bad jump at a key moment later in the game, too) is KILLING us. We don’t score at all, and our shitty baserunning intensifies our inefficacy.
2) Check out that screenshot (above) from Metsblog. You gotta love how Metsblog thinks winning and spending are mutually exclusive. “We spend in 2005 and 2006 and didn’t win! Spending doesnt work! Sure we won 97 games, but it doesn’t work, ok!?”
3) We are worse than the Marlins, and their manager isn’t even a real manager. It’s just a GM in a baseball jersey. I suppose it’s not too hard to say, “hey Giancarlo, hit a homer…in fact, hit 2!” “OK, skip!” Also Bour is the newest Met-killer aka any decent baseball player. By the way, he’s Michael Morse’s replacement. Morse: definitive Met killer. Chances that Fernandez comes back and the Fins at full strength finish above us in the standings? I’d say 33% but it’s not crazy. Mets could finish in 4th. Braves are right on us.
4) The season has slipped away. May sucked. June will be harder. We are bad. I think it’s crazy that Ruben, REcker, and Mayberry started and the Mets front office acts surprised that our lineup isn’t better than last year’s. Are they cheap, lying Jews? Or are they stupid Jews? Both. I can’t believe the Maverick Team preaches OBP. I haven’t seen preaching more hypocritical than that since Christianity. I don’t think they could look me in the face and answer this question: If you care so much about OBP, why are these players on the team? Do they think Recker and co are good? They can’t tell me that with a straight face.
Here’s a recap of one of Recker’s AB in the 7th, with the game tied at 3.
Pitch 1: With Lagares stealing, NOT a hit and run, Recker swings and misses on a pitch 3 feet inside.
Pitch 2: Recker watches a flat fastball right down the middle.
Pitch 3: Strikeout swinging on a pitch 3 feet outside.
My cat (who watches all the games and is a big supporter of this site) turned around and buried his head into the couch. He couldn’t bear to watch Recker. Smart kitty. Fireball for GM.
Also, d’Arnaud is loooooong d’Ead, so get used to a LOT more Recker!!
Tejada is now the 2nd best hitter on the team. Get used to a LOT more Ruben!!
5) Preblow: Mets @ SD is sooo the offensive futility bowl. Could be looking at 0-0 ties for well over 9 innings each game. We’ll probably get swept. We love getting swept on the road. The Padres bats are actually a little hot for the first time. Just in time for the Mets! But our pitching should be able to shut them up. I look forward to watching the Mets offense at 10pm this week (west coast games all week). It will be a nice lullaby.
In closing, the Mets, without a healthy Wright, are a sub-.500 team. The Maverick completely fucked up, or maybe the Jewpons just didn’t allow him to spend. Either way, he should have moved Niese and Colon when they were at peak value. He didn’t sell high. They were doing so well; it was so unstable. I am in NO WAY overreacting. If anything, I’m under-reacting. The proper reaction would be to hire a faceless man to give Jeff Wilpon the gift. It was NEVER a debate what kind of offense we were without Wright. Now you go out and get Castro or Soler or Tulo and things might change. But the 2014 team is the same as this team. The only difference is no Wright instead of injured Wright. Last year’s team couldn’t score with a drunk slut on prom night. This year’s team couldn’t score at the 10-year high school reunion with the divorced slut milf who is looking to turn back the clock and Montell Jordan is playing and someone spiked the punch with ecstasy.
MetsBlow 