Month: September 2016

How to Beat the Nats

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Do I think the Mets will mop up the slop for two weeks and make the playoffs? Yeah, I actually do. If they don’t, fuck em, and if they do, fuck em anyway because this season was a joke. But yeah, I think we’ll take care of the trash in the basement.

But what a flat, shitty series that was in Washington. You wanna beat the Nats? You gotta bean Murphy. You wanna beat the Nats? Get mean. Get tough. We really acted like they’re already division champs. It’s OUR title to defend, you fucks. Talk about scared. We sooooo crowned them. Getting shutout in the rubber game just shaking in our sliding pants. Gross. Pathetic. 

Wake up, Mets. Start bullying these fuckboys around. They ain’t shit. Remember how you mowed them down? And the Cubs? You can’t play scared. You need the edge. 

Didn’t Deserve to Win

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Thank you, T.J. “The Bronx Bomber” Rivera, but what kinda dogshit game was that? Thor did everything right other than he didn’t plunk Murph. You can’t get him a W? We’re just not very good. We shouldn’t be shitting our pants when we need to close out games. Remember who you are! They should be scared of US, not the other way around. Quit acting like pussies. Get mean. 

Remember When Montero was the Savior?

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Rafael Montero after his start

Sure the turtle spells his name differently but whatever. Montero–who used to be praised for his accuracy–can’t find a donut at a police station. Also, Terry has a terrible hook. He has no feel. Keith was begging for the hook for about 5 batters before Terry finally left the dugout. Mets blow. That game was a nice reminder of who the class of this division really is. 

A Mighty Oak

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File photo of Wilmer Flores. So majestic.

Holy fuck Flores is SO MUCH SLOWER than me. Hey Terry, your bench is pretty deep these days. Pinch run, much? Also have Colon bunt you stupid fuck.

My feelings about Terry, Teufel, and Wilmer are nicely illustrated by a head-first, brain-traumatizing dive into A.J. “toughest catcher in the league” Pierzynski.

Mets Beat Teheran at Turner??

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Tear down the field cuz that shit ain’t never happnin’ again!

Be thankful that vandy-educated Dansby Swanson is a dingbat. I’m excited for his career, but what was he thinking?? Trying for two there? Way to blow the game. 

Kudos to Grandy for breaking a 1 million inning scoreless streak against Teheran. Big win.

Ugly Sweep

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Keith has never said “jeez” so many times in one game. Pure basura. We should’ve won 10-0. Instead it’s a tight game and Fam is forced to close it out again. I wonder if he was tired and overworked last November when pitching to Alex Gordon? Hmmm…

To be fair, most of Keith’s grunting was aimed at the Reds. I’ve never seen a team quite so checked out. They were DOGGIN’ it out there. Not even sliding into 2nd on a steal? Yeeeesh. But that’s all the more reason we should’ve won 10-0.

I said this when the Mets first signed Reyes: 80% Reyes would be the best leadoff hitter we’ve had since Reyes bar none. Yup! He’s actually playing at about 75~80% of his former self and it’s beautiful. Dingers from both sides. Steals. Awesome. 

He’s Got The Powah

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He is the truth.

Did you see the go-ahead dinger?

Did you see the laser rocket throw from the warning track?

Did you pay him yet?

Sidenote: The analysts are retaaaarded. They’re like, “derrrrp the Mets are back but the Marlins and Pirates are falling apart!” Ummmm, the Marlins lost Stanton and the Pirates sold at the deadline (I guess because they figured the Cubs & Cards had it this year and are looking to next season). Pay attention, fucktards. This shit ain’t random. The Mets are back because Yo is healthy. It’s not complicated. 

Side-Stories From Tonight

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The baserunning (see previous article) took center stage, of course…

Here are some side-storylines:

Colon’s great and his ERA is lower this year because of an improved defense all-around. Newsflash: major league caliber defense helpful for both pitchers and fans struggling with suicidal depression.
The MLB fucked up. Don’t give me the “they’re millionaires” bullshit. Seabiscuit was a millionaire but you stupid weak babies would cry if he raced on this kind of schedule. The extra late retardedly called ESPN game to plane flight to day game? Good on Terry for resting everyone. The reason they’re millionaires is because we love them. Yo should be a billionaire and the Jewpons should be shot. We want to be entertained. We pay to be entertained and MLB forced lower quality entertainment. The MLB fucked up. End of story. Why would you defend them? They routinely fuck up. 

The Greatest Baserunning I Have Ever Seen

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image1

I don’t think I’ve heard Gary Cohen shit on someone like that before. I’m surprised Flores didn’t try to stretch that infield single into a double.

At some point, you gotta look at Teufel, right? He’s made bad decisions all season.

This is what happens after the Mets chop it up with Murph all weekend.