Month: June 2015

Postblow/Preblow: Stream Of Consciousnessblow

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The Mets are like an isosceles triangle?
The Mets are like an isosceles triangle?
D-Backs 7, Mets 2

For this postblow, I’m just going to take you throw my stream of consciousness for the day (yesterday, Friday, June 5).

8:20am – Familia won’t be available tonight. He threw 100mph for 5 outs yesterday. His arm’s gonna fall off.

8:25am – Matt Cerrone is such a bitch. He’s talking about how the Mets are in first place and he should happy. Uhhhhh, do you watch the games? Anybody who knows jack shit about baseball wouldn’t be happy with this team. Bitch.

8:35am – The pitching is THAT good. The Dbacks have the best hitting in the league and they’re below .500. If we had mediocre fielding, hitting, fundies, etc., we’d be a 100 win team. Just mediocre!

11am – Maverick gotta make a maverick move. Matz for Puig or something huge like that. Harvey and Colon for Kris Bryant.

Noon – I can’t believe Murph credited Jesus for his injury. Also, we are cursed. d’Arnaud will (probably) come back this season but without Murph. Then, before Murph gets back, Lagares will be on the DL. It never ends.

3:46pm – Matz is the next Randy Johnson! BRING HIM UP!!!

3:47pm – …except he won’t have Ken Griffey, Jr., or Luis Gonzalez, or anything even close to that caliber player on his team.

4pm – Harvey should go back to back days like Cy Young.

5:05pm – How the fuck is Tanaka not hurt? How the fuck can he be pitching? He won’t last. I refuse to believe he can just shake off TJ. God loves the Yankees. Or is it Buddha? How the fuck is Tanaka doing what he’s doing right now? That’s some insane Mr. Miyagi healing power shit right there. Opting out of TJ and just rubbing some bamboo on it is not supposed to fucking work. But it’s working. Because he’s a Yankee.

5:35pm – Niese, Gee, and Montero for Zobrist!? Make a move, Maverick! Even with Zobrist, we’d still be 4 bats away.

10ishpm (the game has started at this point, so my thoughts get more jumbled) – So far, Niese, pitching for his job, is doing well. Too bad he made a run-inducing error.

10:30pm – Yasmani Tomas rocking it. Way to pass on him, Jews.

11:30pm – The announcers are talking about Rey Ordonez. He had a higher avg than half our team today, and nobody is even close to his defense (except Lagares).

Midnight – The switch-pitcher on Oakland is a sight to behold. I love it. If he needs TJ on one arm, he can stay in the game! Kind of like Tanaka!

12:30pm – Aaaand we lose. We’re losing 3-2. We lose. Now, insurance runs. We really lose. Those were hits. Both hits. I’m not calling them errors. But Grandy and Tejada could’ve made both of those plays. The balls hit off their gloves. We SUUUUUCK at everything but pitching. Our defense is so bad. You have to protect your pitchers. We don’t.

12:35pm – We hit our 2 run quota and PACKED IT THE FUCK IN. We didn’t et a hit past the 4th.

12:45pm – Plawecki has fucking VERTIGO!?!? What planet am I on? Oh right, Planet Mets. God is smiting us.

1:45am – Watching us squander quality start after quality start is the worst. This is the worst NL I’ve ever seen, and we’re blowing it. The fact that we’re “competing” for 1st place makes it even worse. What’s the season record for starters throwing a QS and getting an L or ND? We’re going to shatter it.

Preblow: WHO GIVES A SHIT!? FUCK THIS TEAM! Colon and deGrom? Well we should win the series. The D-Backs have the worst bullpen in the league and we still can’t hit for shit! My stream of consciousness isn’t much more than screaming and crying. There’s just nothing left. Watching bad baseball will do that to you. The FUNDIES, dammit! The fucking fundies! Have we manufactured a single run this year?

Murph Dead and in Purgatory

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Hey Daniel, Jesus has a plan for everyone. The faggots will burn in hell forever. What about you and your quad? Well, you are about to enter PURGATORY FOR ALL ETERNITY, otherwise known as the Mets’ 15-day DL. They will tell you you’re going to return tomorrow, then the next day, then the next, and so on and so forth.

Post/Preblow Double Whammy: Who Gives A Shit?

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Mets 6, D-Backs 2

Welp, this is our team. Ruben Tejada leading off. What a team. Our lineup got mowed down by Oliver Perez. Yes, THAT Oliver Perez.

But we won. We won because Matt Harvey returned to form. We won because AZ made some costly errors. We won because their pitching is fucking atrocious.

This matchup is baseball 101. The D-Backs have the BEST HITTING IN THE LEAGUE. They are 1st in runs, but Harvey held them down. A couple of solo dingers, but mostly unscathed. The D-Backs have HORRENDOUS PITCHING. They are the inverse Mets. And here we are in first place, and there they are below .500. That’s baseball 101.

If we had a mediocre offense–just MEDIOCRE–we’d be a 100 win team. We’re at or near the bottom in every fucking offensive category. Total runs, RBIs, hits, BA, OBP (the Maverick stat), sac flies, sac bunts*, team speed, it goes on…not to mention our defense sucks ass, too. Metsblow.

*Oh, dear God the bunting!! The next off day, the Mets should hire a specialist (Tom Glavine?) to come in, line the team up, and make them bunt for 18 hours straight. The fundies! The fundies!! Keith is crying. 

Preblow for tonight: Jon Niese either rights the ship or gets replaced by Matz.

Preblow: Harvey On 5 Days Rest Uh-Ooooh

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We’re in Arizona. We love getting demolished on the road against the NL West. Can Harvey buck the trend?

Speaking of trends, Harvey is on his worst streak ever. Can he out-duel some schmuck with a 5+ ERA? I remember Hellickson. We whooped his ass last time. Well, don’t count on it. Harvey hates the extra rest. Well, don’t worry, because the 6-man rotation has already evaporated. But for now, you better be rested and ready to fucking go. Harvey hasn’t had a win in 4 or so starts (including back-to-back shutout performance no decisions). With the extra rest, TC should let Harvey keep going. Shutout ball for 14 innings until the Mets finally scratch out an unearned run against this garbage team. The D-Backs are below .500, and below .500 at home, too.

I don’t really have shit to say. Fuck this team. 4 games out in AZ…hmm…can we win this series? Have we won a road series against the NL West once int he past 5 years?

Postblow From The Edge

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"Nobody is ready to trade yet." -Sandy
“Nobody is ready to trade yet.” -Sandy

At least now we don’t have to face Trumbo. A power-hitting outfielder? Who needs that!? MAVERICK.

Fathers (I don’t speak Spanish) 7, Metropolitans 3

Clearly, Gee wasted his bullets in the minors.

Tejada with a foul out and an error in the 1st inning. That’s more like it! The only thing weird is that he usually doesn’t bat in the first inning.

The 6-man rotation experiment is over before it began. TC is gonna skip Gee to give Harvey the 5 day schedule. No reason to keep his arm fresh for “October.” Hell, at this point the Braves have a better shot than us.

Parnell is getting shelled in Binghamton. His ERA is 18.69 oops.

Bring up Dominic Smith. Bring up Conforto.

The Mets have lost 9 out of their last 10 road games.

Sleep well, sweet Prince David. We pray for you.

Cuddyer Out With a Stiff Neck

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"Rargh I pulled my neck AND I missed the pitch"
“Rargh I pulled my neck AND I missed the pitch”

Welp, it looks like striking out repeatedly in horrific fashion finally caught up to the old cocksucker. Striking out, doing a 360 like a ballerina, and bonking yourself in the back of the head with your bat is never a good combo.

Replacing Cuddyer will be my boy Darrell “Greasy” Ceciliani! He’s a wop genius. He’s got about 1 hit this year, which is more than Kirk! So greasy. Go greasy.

On a serious note, Cuddyer was ACTUALLY starting to turn things around (things other than his neck). It figures. Get a little bit hot, and the Gods smite thee! Meanwhile Tanaka is healthy and dominating, despite missing his UCL. Which team does God root for? I guess they’ve got Jesus AND Buddha over there. We only have the Many-Faced-God. Valar Morghulis. Metsar Injurus (All Mets must get injured).

Preblow: Golly Gee

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Pitcher or Metallica front-man?
Pitcher or Metallica front-man?

Today, the Mets look to win the rubber game at Petco. Dillon Gee takes the hill for the first time since his “injury,” and the Mets will get a glimpse of how this whole 6-man rotation is working out.

Gee is winless on the season (mostly due to a lack of run support). The Mets are opposed by James Shields, who is undefeated. Bruh-oh.

Gee, who hit the DL with a case of the “Sandy Alderson doesn’t know what to do with a surplus of talent,” claimed he was “wasting bullets” in his AAA rehab assignment. I tell my girlfriend the same thing when she wants me to pull out.

As I advised during Spring Training, this is Gee’s shot to get the fuck off this awful team! You could be on the Cubs, or even the Yankees, in a few short weeks if you pitch well. Good luck, Godspeed, Go Gee.

Postblow: Thor Forgot His Hammer

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Padres 7, Mets 2

Out of 1st place. Oooooh so disappointing. I really thought we were gonna put a stranglehold on it and never let it go.

In the preblow–which went unpublished because I didn’t finish it in time whatever fuck you do you know who I am!? I’m Mr. Metsblow dammit! I do what I want! Whateva, whateva–I asked the questions, “How many times do you think the phrase ‘Vintage Kennedy’ will be uttered tonight? O/U is 40. How many runs will the Mets score? O/U is 2.5” and I took the OVER and the UNDER, respectively.

Well, I split, because “vintage Kennedy” was only said about 35 times. The man with a 7+ ERA this season mowed us down. I know, I know, I didn’t publish the preblow, but again, whatever. Metsblowers know the deal. They know these predictions are real. They know how much the Mets FUCKING BLOW.

Thor got shelled. He’ll bounce back. Good to give the kid a little adversity.

Flores made a great, leaping grab that should’ve been a double play, but as Flores landed and went to toss the ball to 2nd, Murph was celebrating like a goon instead of covering the base. Murphalicious!

Also, in yesterday’s Mets news and Metsblow news from over a month ago, David Wright is dead. No timetable. No return. Dunzo. Duuuuhhhhh. Thanks for finally not lying to us, Mets news. It only took a month of lies, whereas y’all lied about Reyes for an entire season. Thanks for the transparency.

Also, the Mets shill fuck from WFAN* (not Howie, I love Howie, it was some other guy). said that Zobrist would “not be a good fit” for the Mets. WHAATT!?!!? How fucking widespread is the Jew disease in Mets land?! The only possibly explanation for anyone saying that is that Zobrist will cost money, and therefore wouldn’t be a good fit with the avaricious, covetous demon soul Jews that run the team.

Oh, wait, I thought of another reason why Zobrist wouldn’t fit. Maybe this is what the radio dweeb meant: You see, Zobrist is a good player. He stays healthy, he hits well, he fields well, and he’s a smart baseball player. That kind of player just wouldn’t be a good fit with this team. Ooooh, now I understand.

*Yes I still call it WFAN. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t like change!! Except for change in ownership.

Another PR Disaster For the Mets: David Wright Jersey Day

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wright_jersey_lg

On Saturday, June 13, head on out to Citifield for a David Wright jersey!

As Gary and Ronnie announced this yesterday, they couldn’t help but cackle. Their open mocking of the organization was welcomed.

Why were they laughing, you ask? Is it because Wright won’t be in the lineup on that day? Oh, if only it were that simple. The reason they were laughing is because the sponsor for the jersey–with their logo prominently appearing on the jersey (photo not yet available)–is THE HOSPITAL FOR SPECIAL SURGERY.

You just can’t make this shit up. The Jewpons and Horowitz (what a Jew name) and the rest of ’em have one hell of a sponsor, there. “Hospital for Special Surgery: Home of the Mets!”

Postblow: Mets Win But Can’t Have Nice Things

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Cool, calm, collected, and a tweaked hip
Cool, calm, collected, and a tweaked hip

Mets 7, Padres 0

The Nats game was rained out. The Mets won and are now tied for 1st place. Whooooo cares? NL LEEEEEEAAAASSSTT. Doodoo division.

On the 3-year anniversary of NOHAN (*swoon*), deGrom was almost as good, perhaps better in certain ways. Eight shutout innings. He faced 25 batters on route to recording 24 outs. But he got hurt (more on that later in the postblow). deGrom also looked great fielding his position. He’s the best infielder on the team by far. By the way, if deGrom throws a no-no, will they call it neGrom?

Ruben continues to blaaast. If he’s found a home in the 2-hole, chooo. Put him at SS for the rest of the season. Flores 2b, Murph 3b. Honestly, he’s lacing it. I don’t care. He’s been endearing me ever since I heard his electric theme music (Na De Na Ruby Rube Tejada) for the first time. I don’t think he even uses that song anymore, which is fine, because he clearly couldn’t hit for shit with that one. Bottom line: I don’t care. The Mets front office called him “lazy” a few years ago. Warranted? Racist? I don’t know. I just know he’s hitting now. I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. I’m all in on Team Tejada. I have been for a while. He’s hitting. His ABs aren’t boring. It’s a story. I don’t care. He’s the 4th best hitter on the team (behind Duda, Syndergaard, and Tolo). He’s roping it. “Ruben + Murph” could be a fun cat + dog show on Nickelodeon.

Here’s an important question: How hurt is Lagares? Kinda hurt? Or does he need TJ? Lagares and Cuddyer colliding at the very beginning of May. Juanny Beisbol was hitting .297 at the time. Since then, he has hit .211 and his arm has looked less-than-stellar. His arm’s dead. He’s also missed a couple balls out there. He still looks great on D, but he’s only been a 9.5 out there, unlike last year, when he was an 11. He’s hurt. We need about 2.5 more outfielders.

Here’s why we can’t have nice things: We won last night’s game 7-0. But what is the real story? The real story is that deGrom tweaked his hip and Duda didn’t even play because of a stiff (dead) knee. First good game in a while? NOPE! Two major injuries.