Mets Trade for LHP Alex Torres

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The Mets have traded RHP prospect Cory Mazzoni and a PTBNL to the Padres for left-handed reliever Alex Torres, the team announced Monday.

Torres had a 3.33 ERA and 1.46 WHIP last season in 54 innings, during which right-handed batters hit .209 with a .275 on-base percentage and lefties hit .256 with a .415 OBP against him.

Hey Bighat! We got Bighat! Click here for a picture of Bighat.

John Olerud 2.0 and I love it. Hopefully Alex Torres is better than Andres Torres, who Sandy traded Angel Pagan for. Nice move, Sandy! Baseball maverick.

Obviously Bighat makes no money and was late to camp due to visa issues. Awesome. Speaking of visa issues, with the embargo on Cuba coming to an end, I wonder what the Mets’ excuse will be going forward on that front. Bighat is Venezuelan, just like Johan Santana. I’m not saying there’s any correlation there, but god damn do I fucking love Nohan. Any connection to him is good in my book.

So pens are usually a crapshoot. Ours is no different. Is Black healthy? Is Parnell? Are Mejia and Familia going to get it together? Losing Edgin was huge. I’m glad the Mets made this play. This is objectively a good move (unless the PTBNL turns out to be someone like Matz, which it assuredly won’t be), and unfortunately the crapshoot just has to play out from here. The numbers show that Bighat is actually better against righties, and that’s something to watch out for. But we got a Major League lefty in the pen, and that’s a good move.

P.S. Damn John Olerud was good. Remember when our team could hit?

Mets Still Open to Payroll Dump

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ESPN reports: Mets Still Open to Trading Dillon Gee

Metsblow lexiconic cybermorphic Jew doublespeak translator reads: Mets Still Open to Payroll Dump.

Even with Wheeler injured, the Mets are still not set with Gee? They’re not set with a guy who pitched Opening Day for them last year? I know normally Opening Day doesn’t matter, but the way the Mets postulate about it, you’d think it’d hold weight.

Gee is good! He’s a great #5! But why have Gee when you can have someone on a minor league contract!

Mets fans, I implore you, get all the joy you can out of watching Harvey and the boys, because there’s no fucking chance this dogshit cheap Jew ownership regime keeps these pitchers around for long.

Fred Wilpon: Owner, Orator, Life Coach

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Fred Wilpon addressed the Mets in a closed-door meeting this morning in the team’s clubhouse at Tradition Field, according to multiple reports.

An anonymous player said, “It was the best meeting I’ve ever been a part of.”

Well, the guy asked to be anonymous, so let’s just say his name was Jeff W. No, that’s too obvious. How about J. Wilpon?

Good fucking God, Fred. How much did you pay the media to publish this shit? Oh thank god you talked to the players! We know it’s tough for you to step down from On High and waste precious minutes in the dull, murky underbelly of society (re: a nice ass clubhouse filled with millionaires but not billionaires), and we’re so thankful for your speech!

If I was a player, here’s a speech I’d love from my owner: “Win the World Series and I’ll personally give each of you three million dollars in cash.” Then, I’d get that speech in writing–signed and notarized.

P.S. If the Mets win and do well this year, how often do you think we’re going to hear about this preseason speech? Every week? Every day?

Pecan Sandy vs. The Tan Dandy

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Alderson hates Collins. The Wilpons hate Collins. The media is all over it. Collins is a “bad manager,” so they don’t like him.

Collins, looking quite leathery with his deep, Florida tan, said he has not thought about retiring after this year. The club has a 2016 option on him.

Is Collins a bad manager? Alderson seems to think so. And remember, Alderson is a baseball maverick. 

Collins’ biggest mistakes were probably continuing to play players like Jason Bay and Ruben Tejada rather than suiting up himself and having former hitting coach Lamar Johnson hit.

2014 is–on paper–different. This is the first time the lineup isn’t total dogshit. If the team stays healthy (Murphy is already out), this is the first time Collins can be judged. Every other year is completely unfair. He didn’t have men. He had a minor league squad. Winning was impossible. It is completely unfair to judge Collins up to this point. 

Murph’s Dead

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The Mets are reporting that Daniel Murphy may not play Opening Day.

Duhhhhhh. We knew this two weeks ago.

The second he was listed as “day to day,” it was the eternal superlock of the millennium that he was dead. 

God the Mets’ buffoonery knows no bounds. What’s amazing is that they still do press releases thinking they’ll fool us with their lies and damage control. Metsblow knows better, thank you very much.

Left-Handed Reliever Prediction

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Gilmartin is in. Yaaaay scrap heap!

The Mets are apparently (aka completely made up bullshit report from lackey media) talking to the Dodgers and Rockies about lefty relievers. All their relievers make money so the report is completely made up and there’s no chance we’ll sign any of them.

METSBLOW PREDICTS: We take a visit to the junkyard. Another team’s trash is the Mets’ bargain bin Jew treasure. We’re not going to settle for nobody. We’re going to settle for someone worse than nobody. Book it. Book that we will sign someone who got cut by another team and not a single other team is even considering picking him up. We will give a roster spot to someone who is having an awful Spring and most likely an awful career.

We (Still) Like Ike

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Not that it matters, but Ike Davis is batting .520 this Spring. He’s on the Athletics now.

I will always root for Ike. We like Ike. I’m very happy with Duda, our new girlfriend–I mean 1B–and I wish our ex well.

We all know he can hit the ball a mile. He just had a really bad case of the METS. Hopefully he’s over it now.

Remember when he was slated to be the cornerstone linchpin of the franchise? That was roughly two years ago. Wow do the Mets screw up their players.

The Wilpons Are Firing Security Guards to Pinch Pennies

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The New York Mets dramatically cut security staff at Citi Field in recent years despite concerns the moves would lead to increased response times for emergencies and fights as well as longer wait times at ticket gates, internal documents show. 

Well, first of all, fuck rent-a-cops and fuck regular cops and whatnot, but wow. I was not able to get stats on how many security guards they had in 2009 as compared to now. I was not able to get stats comparing their current security team to other stadiums and vfenues that hold roughly 40,000 people.

As Matt “Faggot” (Leo DiCaprio’s words, not mine!) Cerrone said, “real fans go to the game…and wait an hour to get in! And get mugged!”

This means two things: First, nobody is coming so we don’t need people to pat fans down. Second, when it comes to fan safety, the Wilpons are going with the Ivan Drago approach: If he dies, he dies.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Metsblow is the easiest gig in town because it WRITES ITSELF. I could hire an intern to copy & paste the articles from Metsblog, add “lol” at the end, and that would work perfectly every time.

News About Murph’s Injury?

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Daniel Murphy is fine! They said.

Daniel Murphy is day to day! They said.

Daniel Murphy will be back tomorrow! They said.

And now? Nothing. No reports. No updates. Nothing.

I mentioned that I appreciated Alderson’s transparency regarding Jew money ticket sales. Well, how bout for once in the history of the fucking Mets, we get some fucking transparency regarding injuries?

The silence all but guarantees he’s headed to the DL.

Jose Reyes will be back tomorrow. Murph? Soon enough, we can only hope.