The NL lost the all-star game. DANG! Imagine Game 1 at Shittifield! Dang! DANG DANG DANG! And we’re such contenders, too!
Well, deGrom did everything he could to help the NL. Holy fucking shit. He struck out the side (all swinging) on 10 pitches. None of the hitters (Vogt, Kipnis, Iglesias) even made contact. Chooooof.
So are we officially #TeamDeGrom now instead of #TeamHarvey? I don’t like the idea of splitting them up into teams. They’re both on the same team–#Team5aces and #TeamWastedTalent
D-Wright filled his bedpan, rolled over–spine crackling–and looked up at his doctor.
With a flashlight shining into David’s eyes, the doctor gasped, looked at nurse Sandy, and said, “he’s still dead.”
Well I for one am SHOCKED. I thought for sure that Wright would be back by May 15th like the team publicly announced.
If the Mets make a move before the trade deadline, I’ll be upset. Why risk spending 7–or even 8!–figures on a ballplayer when Wright is about to come back?! Who needs all stars?? Not us. We’ve got this. Cap’n Kirk and Soup.
Fielding: F minus minus
Pitching: A+
Ownership: F minus minus
Coaching: F minus minus
Medical Staff: F minus minus
Awards:
Team MVP: Jacob deGrom, our lone all-star. He deserves it.
Runner-Up: Familia – 27 saves.
Mr. Glass: TDA, for being even more hurt than Wright, somehow.
Stupid Idiot Award: Jeff Wilpon, for the ponzi scheme, the firing of that bastard’s mother, and for everything he says and does. It doesn’t need to be explained. In fact, let’s just call it the “Jeff Wilpon Award for Idiots.”
Jeff Wilpon Award Runner-Up: Murphy, for his anti-gay rhetoric and his baserunning and his fielding. You’ve got a cute baby. If you’re gonna tell him that gays will burn for eternity, at least hit .300/stop being so streaky.
Roberto Alomar Award: Cuddyer, obviously. (This could also be called the Mo Vaughn award, or the Jason Bay award, or the Luis Castillo award, or the…I could go on forever).
He’s STILL starting award: Tejada
I’m not gonna say much here. We’re 47-42. We’re 2 games behind the Nats. We’re also 1 game behind the Cubs for the 2nd WC. Those are just facts. We are THAT CLOSE, despite having an official “F minus minus” rating in every statistical category besides pitching.
Enjoy the all-star break. Prepare for an atrocious 2nd half. Lotta road games (35 home, 38 away). @Cardinals, @Nats, and vDodgers right out of the break. Nowhere to hide. Prepare for the universe to unfold as it should.
Mets 5, DBacks 3
The Mets complete the sweep. Wow the Dbacks are shitty. They really can’t pitch.
The Mets hit a shitload of home runs this series. The winds must be swirling. Even Tejada hit one. Crazy summer winds.
Kirk hit 3 dingers today–the first Met ever to do that at home. A true testament to the overall shittiness of the franchise. Also, now that schmuck is gonna play every day. Get ready for another 0 for 40 stretch.
So the Mets are on a real upswing going into the break. It’s nice to know that they can still get our hopes up before stomping them down.
The Mets are 1 game behind the Cubs for the 2nd wildcard spot. HA! The Cubs fucking destroyed us this year. They’re so much better than we are. But let’s just say that the Cubs struggle (they’ll play the Cards and Pirates a bunch, while we play the Phils and Marlins), and we end up making the 2nd wildcard (humor me). Everyone says, “oh, we’ve got the pitching! Just get in!” Newsflash to Metsblow nation: Are you fucking kidding me? If we play the Pirates in the wildcard matchup, we’re FUUUUUUCKED.
Here’s what’ll happen: deGrom will lose 1-0 to Gerrit Cole.
The run will be unearned. It will stem from a Murph error.
Cole with throw a CGSO.
He will face 29 batters in the game. Ruben Tejada, batting 2nd, will strike out swinging on a pitch in the dirt to end the game.
We will get 1 hit. It will be a double by Jacob deGrom. He will not advance beyond 2nd.
We will get 1 walk. It will be by Granderson to leadoff the game. Tejada will fail to get the bunt down, striking out in the process, and then Duda will hit into a double play.
1 more batter will reach base at some point in the game. The Pirates aren’t perfect. They make errors. So deGrom will probably reach base twice. But that’s it.
All of this assumes that we actually make it in. Maybe if we get Tulo.
Mets 4, DBacks 2
Well, naturally the Mets couldn’t generate any offense for Harvey. Fucking awful. But Harvey took matters into his own hands, hitting a game winning home run (that was reviewed and upheld).
I can’t give too much credit to Harvey. Something must be in the winds, because Tejada also had a home run. And Cuddyer had one yesterday. The Mets are homer happy!
I peeped the Angels/Mariners game last night. Mike Trout has more homers than the entire Mets team combined…and he’s not even leading the Angels.
In all seriousness, Harvey had an up and down 1st half, but coming off of TJ, he’s been stellar. Smoltz expects him to be “all the way back” by 2016, and that’s when we expect the Mets to compete anyway. We expect the Mets to make big moves this offseason, right? RIIIIIGHT?
Familia got the save. Kaboom.
PREBLOW: Jon Niese and the Mets go for the sweep today. It’d be nice to uplift the spirits before the all-star game. It’s important to inflate the balloon before mercilessly popping it.
Mets 4, DBacks 1
Wow, talk about NUT FLEXING. A day after Matz goes down, the Mets let Thor off the leash.
(Back alley meeting: “We have to show the fans things are ok!! We have to keep lying to them!”)
Fuck them. Disgraceful. I predicted this in the preblow. Unreal. Flexing nuts x a billion. 116 pitches–with a cushy lead. Well, cushy by our standards.
Thor had a monster game, though. Let’s not discount that. I hate the franchise, but I love Thor. Damn. 5 aces. 5 TJs. 2 runs/gm.
Preblow: Today is #HarveyDay. Let’s leave em with a good taste in their mouths before the all-star break, and then let’s all crap out in the 2nd half and get injured and need more surgery and blah blah Pineda is looking healthy blah blah.
Yaaaay! More young arms! Let’s blow em all out! BLOW EM OUT! BLOW EM OUT! Let’s waste our most precious resource–young arms–as quickly as possible! TJ for everyone! Syndergaard is as good as dead.
We’re facing the D-Backs, who are noted for being alive in the WC hunt, despite being a pretty bad team on paper. They’re 1 game behind us. That isn’t a testament to the D-Backs, that’s just a testament to how much of a joke the NLWC is, and how much the Mets fucking blow.
The following conversation was recorded between Steven Matz and the Jew brass:
Steven: My upper back is tingling.
Sandy: Oh, that’s not good.
Jeffy: TINGLE TINGLE LUMPAH!!!
Fred: Settle down, Jeffy.
Jeffy: TINGLE! TINGLE TINGLE!!
Steven: Yeah, it hurts every time I throw the ball.
Sandy: Just throw the ball more. Work your way through it. Try throwing more curveballs.
Steven: It just hurts a lot, ya know?
Terry: Have you talked to the medical staff about this?
Steven: We have a medical staff?
He’s deaaaaaad!!
Well, it was a good ride. But now it’s over. Our promising young lefty is dead.
The Mets say, “several weeks with a lat strain,” which of course means, “death by fire.”
The most obvious news I have ever heard EVER. Hearing that Matz is hurt sent a collective, “duhh” across Metsblow Nation.
Promise being built up and then the rug being YANKED (fuck the Yankees) out from underneath us is long in the past. We don’t walk on the rug anymore. We just sit in the corner shooting heroin, waiting for the Wilpons to sell the team.
Mets 4, Giants 1
What a gem for deGrom. 2 hits, 8 scoreless innings. What a way to respond to the Allstar nod.
Parnell fucked up, and potential all-star Familia bailed him out. He gets another save.
deGrom is the best shortstop on the team, bar NONE. He’s a better fielder and a better hitter than anyone we have for that position. It’s not a joke. It’s a fact. Start deGrom. He was responsible for the bulk of our offense today.
Soup hit a dinger. The first non-Grandy dinger in about a fucking month. Contract extension, anyone?!
Plawecki is seeing the ball. Not “seeing the ball better.” Just “seeing the ball” for the first time since he got vertigo. They were putting him out there (because TDA is glass and Recker is dogshit) with vertigo–as in, a dude who is the equivalent of 30 beers deep and isn’t named Wade Boggs–because that’s what it’s come to. Hopefully Plawecki can be the guy from here on out. He’s seeing the ball! What an advantage!
So the Mets took 4 of 6 from the NL West’s best. Our pitching really is THAT good. And our hitting really is THAT bad. An average offense would have us winning 100 games this year. Instead, we’re in panic city, likely to go 81-81 at best. Best pitching + worst hitting + no fundies = under 81 wins.
MetsBlow 