Welp, this is it. This is the lineup that’s going to be facing Gio tonight. We have done it. We have assembled the worst lineup in the history of baseball. Well, maybe not in HISTORY. But without Grandy? Without Grandy it’s the worst in history and I really believe that.

Look at it! LOOK AT IT!!!

Oh by the way, Lagares and Cuddy have both been playing hurt for months. The Mets made an injured player suffer? No waaaaay. That’s so unlike them.

Let’s play player-roulette. There are 29 teams besides the Mets. AT EVERY SINGLE POSITION, I would spin the wheel of replacement. For each position, just spin the wheel, and whatever team it lands on, we get their player. Honestly, I wouldn’t even keep Lagares at this point. Maaaaaybe if he got TJ. We miiiiight get a worse RF than Grandy. But assuming d’Arnaud is dead, we’re bottom 5, maybe even bottom 3 at EVERY SINGLE POSITION.

Duda is hitting .235! Murph “sports illustrated predicted me to win the batting title” Murphy is hitting .268 and can’t run the bases for shit and field and can’t think.

Thank god we got Kevin Long.

Godspeed, Mr. Dark Knight. Godspeed.

P.S. WHERE THE FUCK IS CONFORTO!?!? WHERE THE FUCK IS ANYBODY!? The Mets, as consistent as any franchise has ever been (see above about the injured players playing), won’t do shit. WHY!? Because they’re cheap fucking Jews. Nuff said. Worst. The worst. I hate it. Look at that fucking lineup!!! Talk about fun and exciting!!

Alright, let’s play catch up.

Saturday: Cards 12, Mets 2

Sunday: Mets 3, Cards 1 (f/18)

So Saturday was a really busy night for me. I didn’t have any time to watch the Mets. I took my phone out at about 7:45 to peep the score. Oh? 4-0 in the 1st? Oh, ok. Boy, I really wish i had time to see if the comeback kids could do it. Oh? It ended up being 12-2? Hmmmm.

So Colon’s done? Such a bummer. I think he might be out of the rotation soon. It’s a shame. He’s a fighter, but I think he might be done. He got another hit, though!

Should the Mets have just conceded after falling behind 4-0? Yes, but I don’t think the Cards would’ve let them. Lotta guys have Lackey on their fantasy teams. You gotta pad the stats, and pad them they did. The Cards just demolished us, as a good team should.

My softball team–Stanky Doodoo Farts–won both games of our doubleheader today. I believe we are better than the Mets.

On to today’s game:

Campbell got picked off.

Campbell struck out on a HAAAANGER. Keith groaned, “uuuuuggghhh.” He hates extra innings and he hates our offense. Keith went no-holds-barred on the dogshit Mets today. It was awesome. He hates them. And so do I, and so does everyone with a brain. The Metsmerized guy would probably say that today’s game was “fun and exciting.”

Each Campbell AB was worse than the last.

My stupid douche Yankee fan friend watched the game with me. When Monell came up to pinch hit with the bases loaded, he said, “.182 avg for a pinch hitter? That’s comical. Is that a misprint?” Monell failed to get it done, of course. deGrom came up as a PH later in the game. And he walked. deGrom should really be pinch hitting every fucking day. He’s the best pinch hitter we have by a mile.

Runner on 3rd. No outs. Top of the 13th. We’re now up 1-0. Can we get the insurance run? NOPE! No chance. Then Familia (noooooooo not you, too!) blows it in the bottom of the 13th! “Jeeeeeeez,” groaned Keith. Good thing we got that insurance run in, right? Oh wait, we didn’t.

Later in the game, Campbell missed 1st base!?? Can it get worse?! Is he the worst player in baseball? Can you tell me someone who’s worse?

The Mets tied a club record (25) for runners left on. This, of course, is the exact same problem that the Mets have had for years now. Nothing has changed. Every day is the same. As my war room has pointed out, this is Groundhog Day or Edge of Tomorrow or any time-loop paradox. The difference is that instead of spending each repeated day bettering themselves and trying to fix the situation, the Mets just do the same exact fucking thing over and over.

Recker has been called up! Monell demoted! Recker’s really mashing in Vegas. And we know how the Vegas numbers always translate!

Also Cuddy might be going to the DL. Also Lagares SHOULD go to the DL and get TJ. Also Metsblow. Shut the whole fucking thing down.

Hitting: F minus minus

Fielding: F minus minus

Pitching: A+

Ownership: F minus minus

Coaching: F minus minus

Medical Staff: F minus minus 

Awards:

Team MVP: Jacob deGrom, our lone all-star. He deserves it.

Runner-Up: Familia – 27 saves.

Mr. Glass: TDA, for being even more hurt than Wright, somehow.

Stupid Idiot Award: Jeff Wilpon, for the ponzi scheme, the firing of that bastard’s mother, and for everything he says and does. It doesn’t need to be explained. In fact, let’s just call it the “Jeff Wilpon Award for Idiots.”

Jeff Wilpon Award Runner-Up: Murphy, for his anti-gay rhetoric and his baserunning and his fielding. You’ve got a cute baby. If you’re gonna tell him that gays will burn for eternity, at least hit .300/stop being so streaky. 

Roberto Alomar Award: Cuddyer, obviously. (This could also be called the Mo Vaughn award, or the Jason Bay award, or the Luis Castillo award, or the…I could go on forever).

He’s STILL starting award: Tejada

I’m not gonna say much here. We’re 47-42. We’re 2 games behind the Nats. We’re also 1 game behind the Cubs for the 2nd WC. Those are just facts. We are THAT CLOSE, despite having an official “F minus minus” rating in every statistical category besides pitching.

Enjoy the all-star break. Prepare for an atrocious 2nd half. Lotta road games (35 home, 38 away). @Cardinals, @Nats, and vDodgers right out of the break. Nowhere to hide.  Prepare for the universe to unfold as it should.

Mets 5, DBacks 3

The Mets complete the sweep. Wow the Dbacks are shitty. They really can’t pitch.

The Mets hit a shitload of home runs this series. The winds must be swirling. Even Tejada hit one. Crazy summer winds.

Kirk hit 3 dingers today–the first Met ever to do that at home. A true testament to the overall shittiness of the franchise. Also, now that schmuck is gonna play every day. Get ready for another 0 for 40 stretch.

So the Mets are on a real upswing going into the break. It’s nice to know that they can still get our hopes up before stomping them down.