Month: April 2015

Happy (??) Recap: Mets Win Game; Lose Wright

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"Have I been fired yet?"
“Have I been fired yet?”

Final Score: Mets 6, Phillies 5

On #HarveyDay–the first home HarveyDay in well over a year–Harvey was hardly the main attraction. He pitched a quality start and got the W. He made mistakes and good hitters (Utley) made him pay.

The big story (there were many, actually) is that David Wright is out. Yesterday, during the Hopener, before the game started, the whole organization was introduced and Mets trainer Ray Ramirez was booed mightily (almost as much as the Jewpons). I loved it. But today, Wright is to blame. He stole second during the bottom of the 8th for no reason, like an asshole. He slid like an asshole. Captain America: you are not Superman! You are my boy but holy shit that was boneheaded. Wright will likely be placed on the 15-day DL (re: he’s dead).

Also, as I said in the Liveblow (see previous article), Cuddy and Flores both got hit in the hand on shitty pitches (Harvey retaliated by hitting Utley wooot culture change!) and may both be out (re: dead). So on a day where we had our best pitcher and perhaps the best pitcher in the league on the hill, against perhaps the worst team, we manage to win by one run in the most pyrrhic way imaginable. We lost our captain and our best offseason acquisition. Eric “Soupman” Campbell is on his way to Queens.

As Rosie Perez says in White Men Can’t Jump, “sometimes when you win, you really lose, papi. And sometimes when you lose, you really win, papi.”

P.S. Fences in! Fences in! Murph with a dinger. And the Phillies had a shitload of dingers. Utley had two. I love how we complain that Citizens Bank is a bandbox and then the Phils come to Shitti and just mash dingers anyway.

P.P.S. Bean balls! Faux-Challenges! Ejections, oh my! This game was a bureaucratic travesty. As I said above, #HarveyDay was really #ShittyUmpireDay and man did they hear it from every side. The fans, both teams, and the booth. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ronnie get so hot. That one ridiculous delay really hurt Harvey up there. Ron was furious. The league has somehow implemented new rules that mandate faster games while making all the games slower. I haven’t seen this kind of hypocrisy in a book since the Bible. Get with the fucking robot umps, already!

Alderson on Mejia (Another Non-Concern)

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mejia1

As you know, Jenrry Mejia was suspended for performance-enhancing drugs. Apathetic Alderson took a hard-nosed, I really-want-to-be-commish-someday stance, and said there may not be a spot for Mejia when his suspension ends.

Wow, Sandy. And I thought your lack of concern for Thor was bad. This is next-level apathy. Jay Cutler–I don’t caaaaaare–style detachment. I guess the only way for Mejia to earn his spot back will be to juice so heavily during his suspension that he’s throwing 105 by the time he gets back.

Sandy Alderson Isn’t Concerned…

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Hrrrmmm...
Hrrrmmm…

Hey Sandy, are you concerned with Wilmer Flores, your purported starting SS for the foreseeable future, making ten errors and batting well below the Mendoza line?

“No,” said Sandy Alderson, the Mets GM, as he handed a hundred million dollars to Baby Jeffy Wilpon wrapped in a Mets snuggie that said, “Reyes 7” on the back of it.

Hey Sandy, are you concerned with Noah Syndergaard, your purported co-ace among aces for the foreseeable future, making multiple trips the MRI machine and experiencing forearm stiffness?

“No,” said Alderson, as he spoke with a funeral director about getting a grave plot next to, or at least in the vicinity of, Zack Wheeler’s tombstone.

Happy Recap: Pitching, Pitching, Pitching

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Mets beat the Phils 2-0. 

The home opener. The Hopener. Hope springs eternal.

Read today’s preblow. Scroll down to the next article. I told deGrom he had to throw zeroes. Brilliant managing on my part. And the pen, too. Awesome. We can’t hit for shit. I’ll take the shutout. 

Preblow: deGrom Must Learn from Last Time

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In his last start, deGrom let up a 2-run dinger in the first inning. He settled down and didn’t allow another run. It was good enough to earn him an L. 

He must learn from this. Starting today–the home opener–he must remember that we can’t hit for shit. We lost the last game 2-1. He has to put up zeroes. We are going to see 2-1 and 1-0 on the scoreboard a LOT this season, just as we have in the previous few seasons. The difference this year has to be that we’re on the winning side of pitchers’ duels*. 

*And by pitchers’ duels, I mean offensive futility on our part. Fences in!! Laces out and fences in!! 

Happy Recap: Big Sexy!

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Well, the Mets can’t hit for shit. Thankfully, Colon can!

Watch Here: Big Sexy’s RBI Single

Big Sexy. Wow. What a hit! Best hitter on the team. Collins is obsessed with batting his pitchers 8th, but I say put him cleanup.

Great pitching, by the way. And great to see Familia with his 1st totally not-steroids-infused save of the season. We salvaged the last game to go 3-3 on our opening road trip. Now for the home opener. Now for the fences-in Shittifield. Let’s see what we can do. 

Mejia Suspended 80 Games

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mejia1

Oops! Stanozolol. Lol. Oops.

This probably means our whole team is juicing up. Sheeeiit. Gotta watch out. Every team is. I’m not an anti-steroids guy. Put an asterisk next to Bonds’ record, fine. Put an asterisk next to Babe Ruth’s record, too, for not having to play night games…and not having to play against non-white people. Asterisks for everyone! I’m old! I’m cranky! I don’t like change!

Anyway, everyone who wins is a cheater, or at least a gamer. Thankfully Colon is using blood spinning technology. Mejia should’ve used that, too. We’re deep. We don’t need him. Hopefully Parnell is back soon.

80 game suspension means Mejia will be back for the 2nd half!

P.S. Mejia denied it. Someone must’ve slipped it into his cereal.

Gamesmanship: The Culture Change In Queens

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He gets it.
He gets it.

Yesterday, despite the loss, Ron Darling praised Michael Cuddyer for running into Andrelton Simmons. Simmons, the douche that he is, ran over d’Arnaud at the plate. He should have been ejected. He wasn’t due to obvious anti-Mets bias.

Later, Cuddyer was trying to break up a double play and used a “take-out slide” on Simmons, who plays SS. Revenge. Beautiful.

5 years later, and we still haven’t murdered Matt Cain for beaning David Wright. Why not? Because the Mets have been faggy pussies forever. The reason the citizens of Ferguson rioted is because they WILL NOT ALLOW the police to murder them with impunity. The Mets cannot allow this, either.

The ’86 Mets got it. They were gritty as fuck. They played mean and nasty, and that’s the only way to play. They refused to be pushed around. I want to see Matt Harvey throwing high and tight. He’s the leader of this culture-change-movement and I salute him. You have to stick up for your teammates.

I greatly appreciate Cuddyer making that take-out slide. Murph is also a gamer and I love it. Keith and Ron have been preaching this for years, questioning why the Mets don’t fight harder for their own. It was great to see them fighting last night. It’s great to see that they care about winning and that they take care of their own.

Crappy Recap: Mets Fall to .500

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Final Score: Braves 5, Mets 3.

The Mets can’t win in Turner Field.

The Mets can’t hit for shit.

The Mets can’t play defense.

This was a game the Mets should’ve won. Flores’ 2 errors and David Wright’s mental error (not getting the sure out at 1st) led to 4 runs for the Bravos. However, I can’t put it all on that. The Mets still look like they have no offense. The Braves no longer have Kimbrel, Venters, O’Flaherty, or Medlen. We should be able to score off of them. But we can’t because Metsblow.

P.S. How fucking insufferable is the Tomahawk Chop? People are putting pressure on the NFL to force the Washington Redskins to change their names. What about the Atlanta Braves? Their grossly intolerant chant (that is heavily supported by the organization and stadium itself, as noted by the horns trumpeting the chant and the jumbotron broadcasting the cheer), really rubs the genocide in, doesn’t it? It’s schadenfreude. It’s disgusting.