Month: April 2015

Preblow: Mets Take Their Talents to South Beach

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mets at marlins

Tonight, tomorrow, and the next day, all at 7:10pm, the Mets are playing in Miami. The Mets are coming off the sloppiest game I’ve ever seen, but they are still in 1st place and in control (sort of). The Mets may also be jet-lagged, as they did not arrive in Miami until 6am this morning. Meanwhile, Keith “I Don’t Do Winter” Hernandez took an earlier flight and has been soaking in the sun with a piña colada in one hand and…well…probably a piña colada in the other hand, too.

Keys to the Series:

~Montero, making a “spot” start that the team swears isn’t an audition to take Gee’s place, needs to pitch well. This is technically our #6, or #7 if you count Wheeler, or #9 if you count Wheeler, Thor, and Matz. Let’s see what the kid can do. This is what our team is all about.

~Pretenders vs. Contenders once again. We have to stomp on our DREADFUL division opponents. The Marlins think they’re hot because they just stomped on the Phillies, and that’s fine. We were hot when we stomped on the Phillies, Marlins, and Braves.

~Shitty, shitty baseball cannot be tolerated. The Marlins are winning because they’ve been playing virtually error free for a week. Last night, we were completely bush league on the national stage. Mental mistakes and dogshit fielding cost us the game and the series against the NY-AL team. Now, we can crawl back to our cozy SNY 7:10p time slot and quietly go about our business.

P.S. I don’t hate John Kruk. He was a Philly, so there’s some bitterness there, but really, the dude knows how to hit and isn’t a bad color man. But I absolutely can’t STAND other broadcasters. Curt “I Didn’t Come From No Monkey” Schilling is awful. ESPN is awful and they really drag the games out. Let’s say the Mets make the playoffs (PLAYOFFS!?!?). Is there some way our guys can still cover the games? I know Ron Darling does TBS games but that’s not enough. Gary, Keith, and Ron 4eva eva.

Mets Sign Crappy Infielder Because Murphy Is So Crappy

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Brooks Conrad, a career .200 hitter
Brooks Conrad, a career .200 hitter

The Mets have not hit the panic button yet. However, they did hit the, “oh, damn, we kinda suck up the middle” button. This, of course, is the same button Mets fans have been mashing since day 1 of the offseason…of 2010.

The Mets have signed free-agent infielder Brooks Conrad. Conrad, 35, has a career .200 hitter, with a .271 OBP, 19 HR and 73 RBI in 460 major league at-bats. He is a switch hitter and has mostly played second and third base during his professional career.

“We like what he brings to the table and thinks he’s a good addition to the organization,” a  team official told Rubin. The team official then went on to say, “we actually don’t really like him. He’s really shitty. However, Murphy is soooooo shitty at 2nd base that we need somebody while Herrera preps to take his spot. Murphy isn’t hitting for shit, so there’s nothing saving him. I’ve never seen a player play so badly in a contract year.”

P.S. Why the fuck wasn’t Murphy DHing this weekend? Preposterous.

*UPDATE: Metsblog has responded to this post by posting a, “Murphy is totally going to turn it around!” post. Awesome job, Metsblog. Totally awesome. Yes, Murphy is still in Spring Training. Yes, he gets another month. Yes, his hitting will probably come around. However, him and Flores at 2B and SS is still, defensively, the worst middle infield combo in Mets history, and Murphy is batting .150, so stop arguing with facts just because the Wilpons pay your salary. I know it’s the Wilpons’ specialty to argue with facts (and to fire pregnant women), but one time for me please stop being such lackeys and also stop being so afraid of me by posting the kinds of responses like the one you just posted.

Crappy Recrap: 4 errors?

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Yankees 6, Mets 4

Wow the Mets looked like shit. I guess they’re not ready for the big games. Hopefully they learned their lesson because big games will come often if you expect to be a good team. 

We were simply not ready for the espn spotlight. Niese dropped the ball, the whole team was sloppy as fuck, and not knowing the # of outs was egregious. 

On to Miami…gotta beat up our division. 

Preblow: Rubber Game in the Bronx

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Not much to say. I’ve said it before. Our #4 (Niese) vs. their #4 (Eovaldi) is a no-brainer. We must win these games. We have a guy who could really be a 2 or 3 on other teams (he’d be the 3 on the Yankees), while they have a guy who wouldn’t be offered a position on our roster. Nuff said. Have to win it. Rubber game. We take this series and we’re definitively the hottest we’ve been since 2006, or even since 1986.

Mets P Bobby Parnell Shut Down

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The Mets have issued the following statement:

Bobby Parnell (forearm soreness) shut down for a week.

“For a week” not including the other 70+ weeks he’s been shut down for. Just a week lololol no biggie we’re fine I think they bought it, Fred!

Shut down for deadness. Minor case of deadness.

Syndergaard TwitterGate: The Sequel to HamSandwichGate

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Noah Syndergaard, shut the fuck up and get your head out of your ass.

1) Fuck that fan. Shut up. Shut the fuck up, you stupid fan.

2) Thor, get your head out of your ass. Responding to trolls on twitter is ridiculous. Grow up. Making fun of his 9-5 job? Don’t stoop so low. Your fans are mostly 9-5ers. Your fans are mostly regular guys. Don’t make fun of them. Be a hero. Be better.

Crappy Recap: Winning Streak Ends Due to Yankees/Dark Magic

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Yankees 6, Mets 1.

How are the Yankees always a good team? Money? Dark magic? Steroids? Why do the Gods always show them favor? They must be making blood sacrifices. Typical Yankee cheating.

Another first inning 2-run dinger let up by deGrom and we lose 2-0. Oh wait, we scratched out 1. Thanks for the run support, guys.

It was cold out there. Yankee fans showed up in the dozens. It reminded me of Shittifield 2009-2014 except we didn’t have a good team.

deGrom ended up letting up a bunch of fly outs in Shitti that ended up being dingers at the baby park known as Yankee Stadium. That being said, we didn’t hit any dingers. The numbers are so insane here. Drew and Tex and these old bums are batting .200 with double-digit dingers in April.

deGrom didn’t have his best stuff tonight. It was a real big game for a real young kid. I’d rather have him seeing this in April. It’s ok. It’s a tough stadium and a tough lineup designed to exactly this. Even Seaver got knocked around every now and again.

The Mets made several nice plays in the field and the Yankees made several boners. Capn’ Kirk legged out a double on shitty Junkees fielding and we gunned down a would-be double. Also, Murph had another bonehead play. Herrera may replace him.

The difference between this year and last year is that we are playing better on defense–not allowing a lot of 4 or 5 out innings–and can now score on 4-out innings, now that we’ve improved from dogshit hitting to just kinda bad.

I’m not worried baout deGrom. He’s smart. That’s his best asset. That’s what makes guys like Seaver the best. That’s why Colon is where he is today.

How bout them umps? I forgot that the umps always cheat for the Yankees, especially against the Mets. It is known. I forgot to mention that in the Preblow. Listen, the reason we lost is because deGrom didn’t have his best stuff and experienced his first super-duper-big game. Oh, and because we didn’t score any runs against an elite pitcher (with an arm that’s about to explode). The ump gave Pineda every call. Niese got ejected. Many others were threatened. The booth was furious at the ump. They could clearly tell the ump was more concerned with the Mets dugout than with the game at hand. Typical Yankee cheating bullshit.

Also, Hansel left a trail of bread crumbs all over the field. He stranded the bases loaded in his major league debut. He looked great.

Also, Keith said it was too cold out there for deGrom. Keith also said he booked an early flight for the next Mets road trip out to Miami. Oh, and the ump was wearing short-sleeves like a try-hard bitch.

We are 13-4. #HarveyDay tomorrow. Shake it off.

Mets And MLB Are Getting to the Bottom of the Tommy John Epidemic

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Hi everybody!
Hi everybody!

The Mets have agreed to allow the use the pitchers they selected in the 2014 draft to be involved in a study being run by MLB.

“I look forward to running zee experimentations,” said Qyburn, the new head of TJ studies for the MLB.

“We just don’t understand what’s going wrong,” said Sandy Alderson, as he counted the pesos on his desk in preparation to give to Ray Ramirez for his weekly stipend.

“MY FUNNY BONE WAAAAAHHH!!!,” cried Baby Jeffy Wilpon