Gary Cohen To Begin 30th Year in Mets Booth BEFORE the Yankees Win 30th Championship

gkropeningday2013.0
The best in the biz

The Mets’ broadcast team is simply Amazin’. They dazzle. They are the best. There’s no denying it. GKR is the truth. Gary is beginning his 30th year tomorrow. Mazel fucking tov to you.

Maaaaan do people love talking about how good the Mets are on Opening Day. Do you think maybe it’d be better if we were good on closing day? Ooooops 2007. Ooooops 2008. Well documented fact: in 2007, before the last game, I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare that the Mets were down 7-0 and Glavine had already been yanked. It was just a dream. I told people. It was documented. I swore it was real. I called my parents. They told me to relax and that the game would be starting soon. As we all love to remember, the Mets then went down 7-0 and Glavine got yanked. I jumped out of my window to prove I was still dreaming. It didn’t work. I landed in a bush. Should’ve died. 3 years later, the movie “Inception” came out based on this story.

I love Gary. Congrats on 30 years with the Mets. The Yankees only have 27 championships so that makes us a better franchise, right? Who needs the best baseball team when you have the best broadcasting team? I kind of resent Gary (and Keith and Ron) because they bring the overall entertainment value of a Mets game up, which hurts the process of burning the whole thing to the ground and starting fresh. Let’s get Ron and Keith back out there in the Orange & Blue–I know they don’t want to coach because they have the cushy announcing gig but fuck is it frustrating to hear Callaway and the new guys talk pitching pitching pitching while Ronnie just sits in the booth, casually sipping tea–and let’s keep listening to Gary announcing opening day victory after opening day victory, followed by 161 horrific games. Cheers to another 30. You’re a bright spot on the Mike Cameron shade of darkness that is this black soul of a franchise. Sidenote: Mike Cameron is a good guy and a good ballplayer and maybe got the worst case of METS I have ever seen. Not that usual “loses all ability to play the game” METS. That’s normal. Mike Cameron actually got his brains laid out on the fucking field. Too bad that was before Obamacare, because God knows the Wilpons didn’t provide him with insurance.

This Team’s Gay

Injured? Tryna get boof’d? Can’t it be both?

This team’s gay. Talkin’ ’bout hope n’ shit. Talkin’ bout meaningful September games. God fucking dammit is Spring Training for anything other than talking about how good our chances are? Talk talk talk like a bunch of chatty, catty gaywads. If this team was any gayer, they’d be tied to the back of a pickup truck getting dragged across Wyoming.

Some say we have a “small window” before our young, contracted arms get paid by teams owned by non-Jews (or “goyims” or “not stingy, dirty, big-nose-having snakes” as they say). BULLSHIT. Our arms suck. Matz and Harvey are dead forever and Wheeler might not even make the fucking roster! The window closed 2 fucking years ago right about the time when Matt and Noah were dressing up like Disney characters or Marvel characters or whatever gayass shit they were doing instead of training. Take that Thor garden gnome and shove it up your ass, gaywads.

Conforto dead. deGrom hurt. Yo strained. What’s the thread between these 3 players? They’re definitively the 3 best players on the team. Niiiice. Our other best player is Thor. He’s coming back from an injury (shocker) and trying as hard as he can to prove he’s fine by firing every pitch in at 100mph. Save some of that gas for all the meaningful September games we’re gonna have, amiright? Great to see the new coaching staff is picking up right where Terry left off with arm management.

Dom Smith getting benched for showing up late? Classy! Fuck him, anyway. A-Gon is (was) a stud. I’m seeing a Mo Vaughn kind of trajectory for A-Gon, our new “portly 1B that was a stud before coming to the Mets.” Sad. I’m seeing a Lastings Milledge kind of trajectory for Dom.

Even gayer than all of this were the school shooting baseball caps that they were all wearing. Awesome job, guys. Thoughts, prayers, and baseball caps. We’re saved! I can’t wait until the team is armed. Our arms suck. Some real arms might be nice. Shoot the other team in the face and we might win a game. Hell, give the fans some guns, too, so I can shoot myself in the fucking face and not watch any more of this shit.

So enough fucking talk. This isn’t a happy, hopeful Spring. This is the same garbage franchise with the same black future as always. If this team’s future was any blacker, it’d be tied to the back of a pickup truck getting dragged across Wyoming.

Sandy Wants His Sandy Vagina Sucked for Getting Bruce Back

img_7786
Bruce said, “Thank God” when he was traded off the Mets last summer

Newsflash, Sandy: We don’t fucking caaaaaaare, dude. OK, you know what? We care a little bit. We care because Conforto’s shoulder is fucking dunzo and we care because we don’t want to see Nimmo starting every day. And Bruce does hit. So hoo-fucking-ray, the Bruce signing brings us back to being a 4th place team. Way to bring back a guy who bashed the shit out of the Mets harder than he bashes the ball and said, “thank god” when you traded him.

Oh don’t worry. That was laaast year’s Mets that Bruce was bashing. This year’s Mets will be good, so nobody will get frustrated and things won’t spiral out of control and players won’t beg to be traded and then openly celebrate when they get shipped to a competitive team. Tooootally gonna work out this time. Oh and Sandy got A-Gon, too? That’s awesome! Memba A-Gon? I memba! He was fucking great. This actually could be a nice signing. It really lets everyone know that Dom Smith is an immediate bust. Once Rosario gets Mets-AIDS, the circle of life will be complete again.

So why is this even worth writing about? It’s not. The Mets never are. But I just hated Sandy’s fuckin cocky ass attitude after the signing. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. He’s not Cespedes (which we still do give you credit for). He’s not Machado. I mean you can’t sign Bruce, then have the next message from official Mets’ brass be, “David Wright is working on a comeback,” and expect us to be cool. So 3B is legit Wright or Flores? WHAT YEAR IS IT!? Go fuck yourself. Wright at 3rd. Harvey pitching. Nice offseason, fag.

Ray Ramirez Will Haunt Us For-Eh-Vurr

“Oh, you’re fine.” -Ramirez to Wright in 2010.

Ramirez fired. What does it mean? Nothing. Stop celebrating. It’s too late. We’re already dead. You think this means Harvey and Matz are coming back? You think this means Wright is coming back? Yo? Conforto?! It’s all over. METS-AIDS comes from the Jewpons. All that’s left to do is pray that the Yankees lose. That’s a successful season for any intelligent Mets fan.

P.S. Now that he’s been fired, will he release the incriminating photos that he’s been using to blackmail the Jewpons for the past decade? Smart money is on a pic of Fred wearing a Hitler costume. Many also betting on Jeff and Fred involved in some kind of Carcosa/True Detective-type ritualistic rape/sacrifice of a 9-year-old.

Fans Saying This Season Was “The Worst Season in Mets History” Are Pussies

img_7337

So the Nats clinched (they’re still soft) and soft Mets fans are saying this is the worst season ever. The expectations were so high blah blah blah. If you think this was the worst season ever, you’re a fucking pussy and you should kill yourself.

Yes, Sandy Alderson exposed himself as a two-faced faggot and an official Jewpon shill when he nonchalantly mentioned that all he cares about is offense. I think it was around the all-star break when he said that. I wonder if he watched Murph and Turner play that game. Yes, Cespedes was hurt all year. Sad. Yes, the pitching was thinner than you thought. Like I said, the Mets blow and there’s no chance Matz plays and there’s no chance Harvey plays. I didn’t see Thor coming but “HORSES IN THE STABLE!” was absurd. You’re dumb shits. You haven’t been watching the Mets. You don’t know what you’re talking about. WHAT TEAM DO YOU WATCH!?

Rosario’s gonna be a stud. Keith sees promise in Smith. Conforto’s a stud. Oh wait, he’s dead, too. NOOOO! Not my team! My front shoulder hurts, too. I get it. When you bat lefty and throw righty, and have Mets-AIDS, that can happen.

In many ways, this (still not over) season was glorious. What a fucking beautiful summer it was. Not a care in the world. The Mets dropped like flies and it didn’t matter. The season ending in June was a god damn blessing and real fans know it. I’ve been wandering this championshipless desert for 29 fucking years already. You just have no grit if you think this was an extra bad season and not just a regular ass bad season. Thor and Yo are all in for 2018. The window is still open. I’m sure when we’re doing well next season (not bloody likely), the bandwagoners will say they’ve been suffering. I hate bandwagoners. Meet me at the oasis. There is no oasis.

Duda Traded, Smith Not Called Up

Duda's face after watching a replay of the throw home he made in Game 5 of the 2015 World Series.

Duda traded. Great. Sad for a half second. Did we get a good return? Well, Drew Smith is a reliever, so regardless of his stats, Terry is sure to blow his arm out. It doesn't matter.

The bigger issue is that Dom Smith was not called up. Why not? It doesn't even hurt that kike Jeff Wilpon's wallet. So what the fuck? I guess it's Wilmer time at 1B? I want to rant and rave about how retarded they are for not bringing up their 1B prospect (that every scout has deemed ready) but the truth is, in this meaningless season, I like the idea of keeping Dom as far away from Ray Ramirez as possible. As important as major league experience is, the Mets are not a major league team, so it's a moot point.

Duda will be remembered as the guy that beat Ike "The Franchise" Davis for the starting job by batting .230, a solid 100 points higher than Davis. When reached for comment, Duda said, "they really didn't bring up Smith?" Ike "Say Hay Fever" Davis, when reached for comment, said, "achoo!"

Bonus Blow: Flexen has somehow made Monterrible a middle-of-the-rotation starter by default. Wow! The depth!! Horses in the stable! Montero wouldn't get the bump for my softball team, and here he is in the middle of the Mets' rotation. Remember when he was a shining prospect of hope? Pray for Dom and Amed.

If Brandon Nimmo Dies, Can Ray Ramirez Be Charged With Murder?

Dead. Still smiling 🙂

Nimmo has a collapsed lung. He might actually die. He’s dead for sure. But dead dead? Ned Stark dead? That’d be the worst case of Mets-aids that I’ve ever heard of.

Collapsed lung. That’s where we’re at right now. All-star break means Mets can’t lose for 4 days. Then again, Conforto could get dead. Ray Ramirez will be there. All-star trainer!

Pray for Nimmo. Pray for Sandy to make big moves. Pray for Amed. 

The Mets Should Have Beaned Posey


God fucking dammit the Mets blow. Conforto is dead. Hit in the wrist and the injury was mismanaged, of course, and now he’s dead. But where was the retribution?! This is part of it, people!! It’s not just on Ramirez. Teams aren’t scared of us! They can hit Conforto no biggie! Hard slides (Utley-Tejada lolz) on em? Sure! The Mets are soft! We should’ve beaned Posey. At least plunk somebody! FUCK!! Coach Wally wouldn’t let this shit fly. Conforto for fucks sake! On a 3-2 pitch. 

Gsellman’s best contribution to the team this season is that he got hurt (dead) today and said, “we’re dropping like flies.” I like it. Really callin’ out the shittiness. They’re so bad. Ray Ramirez should be arrested for genocide. 

Did Dru Wake the Team Up?

“I’m outta here!”

Well this is something. First and foremost, FUUUUCK this team. Everyone wants out. Who would want to work for the Wilpons? Dru’s just saying what everyone’s thinking. 

Collins couldn’t wake the team up. Dru did. Thank you, Dru. Thank you for publicly humiliating everyone. It’s just what the team needs. 

The truth is that the Giants’ pitching is atrocious–almost as bad as ours–and that’s why we won last night. But I’m glad to see a player publicly complaining about how much the Mets blow, particularly the ownership/front office. I mean for fucks sake we’ve got Montero (yes, THAT Montero) starting on Sunday!! How could you NOT want off this team?? 

But Murph Can’t Play Defense!

Murph (right) & Flores

Remember when we didn’t sign Murph? All-star hitting be damned, he can’t play defense! Well guess what? That’s true. He really can’t. Who did you we trot out this past weekend? Wilmer “Fire Hydrant” fucking Flores. Amazin’! Good thing we sured up that defense. 

Also, we hit 4 dingers off a very comfortable Kershaw last night. Good thing we have the best rotation in team history to back those dingers up!