This Team’s Gay

Injured? Tryna get boof’d? Can’t it be both?

This team’s gay. Talkin’ ’bout hope n’ shit. Talkin’ bout meaningful September games. God fucking dammit is Spring Training for anything other than talking about how good our chances are? Talk talk talk like a bunch of chatty, catty gaywads. If this team was any gayer, they’d be tied to the back of a pickup truck getting dragged across Wyoming.

Some say we have a “small window” before our young, contracted arms get paid by teams owned by non-Jews (or “goyims” or “not stingy, dirty, big-nose-having snakes” as they say). BULLSHIT. Our arms suck. Matz and Harvey are dead forever and Wheeler might not even make the fucking roster! The window closed 2 fucking years ago right about the time when Matt and Noah were dressing up like Disney characters or Marvel characters or whatever gayass shit they were doing instead of training. Take that Thor garden gnome and shove it up your ass, gaywads.

Conforto dead. deGrom hurt. Yo strained. What’s the thread between these 3 players? They’re definitively the 3 best players on the team. Niiiice. Our other best player is Thor. He’s coming back from an injury (shocker) and trying as hard as he can to prove he’s fine by firing every pitch in at 100mph. Save some of that gas for all the meaningful September games we’re gonna have, amiright? Great to see the new coaching staff is picking up right where Terry left off with arm management.

Dom Smith getting benched for showing up late? Classy! Fuck him, anyway. A-Gon is (was) a stud. I’m seeing a Mo Vaughn kind of trajectory for A-Gon, our new “portly 1B that was a stud before coming to the Mets.” Sad. I’m seeing a Lastings Milledge kind of trajectory for Dom.

Even gayer than all of this were the school shooting baseball caps that they were all wearing. Awesome job, guys. Thoughts, prayers, and baseball caps. We’re saved! I can’t wait until the team is armed. Our arms suck. Some real arms might be nice. Shoot the other team in the face and we might win a game. Hell, give the fans some guns, too, so I can shoot myself in the fucking face and not watch any more of this shit.

So enough fucking talk. This isn’t a happy, hopeful Spring. This is the same garbage franchise with the same black future as always. If this team’s future was any blacker, it’d be tied to the back of a pickup truck getting dragged across Wyoming.

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