Sandy Wants His Sandy Vagina Sucked for Getting Bruce Back

Bruce said, “Thank God” when he was traded off the Mets last summer

Newsflash, Sandy: We don’t fucking caaaaaaare, dude. OK, you know what? We care a little bit. We care because Conforto’s shoulder is fucking dunzo and we care because we don’t want to see Nimmo starting every day. And Bruce does hit. So hoo-fucking-ray, the Bruce signing brings us back to being a 4th place team. Way to bring back a guy who bashed the shit out of the Mets harder than he bashes the ball and said, “thank god” when you traded him.

Oh don’t worry. That was laaast year’s Mets that Bruce was bashing. This year’s Mets will be good, so nobody will get frustrated and things won’t spiral out of control and players won’t beg to be traded and then openly celebrate when they get shipped to a competitive team. Tooootally gonna work out this time. Oh and Sandy got A-Gon, too? That’s awesome! Memba A-Gon? I memba! He was fucking great. This actually could be a nice signing. It really lets everyone know that Dom Smith is an immediate bust. Once Rosario gets Mets-AIDS, the circle of life will be complete again.

So why is this even worth writing about? It’s not. The Mets never are. But I just hated Sandy’s fuckin cocky ass attitude after the signing. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. He’s not Cespedes (which we still do give you credit for). He’s not Machado. I mean you can’t sign Bruce, then have the next message from official Mets’ brass be, “David Wright is working on a comeback,” and expect us to be cool. So 3B is legit Wright or Flores? WHAT YEAR IS IT!? Go fuck yourself. Wright at 3rd. Harvey pitching. Nice offseason, fag.

Let’s Trade Bruce 

Two laser dingers at Citi? Nah, he can’t handle New York. One was a game winner? He’s just not cut out for the pressure situations. 

Meanwhile, the Mets pen blew another big lead late. Oooops. They’re going for the world record. Charged to the starter, but the inherited runner was a 100% lock to score and tie the game. Let’s trade Bruce for a mediocre at best reliever! Bring in another bum! It’s obvious Bruce can’t handle NY. 

Bruce Hot, Mets Not

That was the worst win I’ve ever seen. Daaaaaamn do the Phillies blow. The microcosm for their team is Odubel flipping his bat on a routine fly ball. I mean, good for deGrom for battling back but we really didn’t deserve that one. Awful. Just awful. Bruce hit 2 dingers. I dunno if anyone else even hit the ball. 

d’Arnaud the d’Ouble play machine is d’Unzo. Way to lunge for one after the previous two batters walked. Rivera 3 out of 4 games from now on. Bring up Rosario because Reyes is also d’Unzo. 

P.S. Ronnie wanted Druubz to charge the mound but I’m glad he didn’t. We can’t risk a suspension to one of our only good players. I refuse to watch Flores in the middle infield ever again. He got the walk and eventually the run. Nice job, Ramos. Woooow the Phillies blow. 

Clap For Concession

“Max Scherzer against the Mets? No thanks, we’ll save him for a real team.” -Dusty Baker

2 out of 3 against a team giving it away? Hoo-fucking-ray. Thanks for conceding the series. Thanks for rigging it. I guess the Mets are supposed to get in? Grrrrrreat.

Nice oppo dinger, Bruce. Nice baserunning, too. Nice slide.

Grandy cleanup, huh?! Well someone half-decent has to back up Yo. It makes sense. His anomalous RISP numbers aren’t gonna even out all the way this season, but it’s nice to see.

Shoutout to “Mr. Consistency” Addy Reed. 

ESPN is truly unwatchable. I’d rather watch the Cellino & Barnes ad on repeat during SNY commercial breaks than the shit they hock on ESPN. The announcers are fucking dreadful. Michael Kay bad. To Rosenthal and Verdouchey and the rest of those mooks: Fuck you. 

Bruce is THE BOSS

Bruce is the BOSS. Bruce is the guy. Swing 3-0 against wild ass K-Rod s’more, why don’tcha?? Move over, Yo. The savior is here. Bruce, just be you. Yo will be back soon. 

Why does he have the green light?? 

Also way to split with the Yankees’ D-squad. Now let’s get swept by a good team.