Month: April 2015

Talks Break Down With Duda

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Way to go you Jew fucks! Way to make Duda not want to be here a day before the season. Hopefully he takes it out on you by playing his way off the team.

Love Duda. The Dude. Speak softly and carry a big stick. I think the Mets should lock him up! Pay heem. Pay zat man heez mahnee. 

So naturally the Mets nickel and dimed him (likely just pennies) and well…say bye-bye to the only 30 dinger guy on the team! Move the fences in for him and then lose him to free agency! At least that’s not as bad as what they did with Reyes: Build a stadium for him and then don’t even make an offer! 

P.S. Duda will hit 30 dingers this year and his price will go Up Up UP! 

P.P.S. The Mets claim that Madoff is no longer an issue? So what’s your fuckin excuse now?! The entire Madoff “issue” was just a lie. They’re criminals. They’re just cheap Jew fucks. 

The Mets Will Use deGrom as a Pinch Hitter

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During the offseason, we joked about how the Mets are so depthless (aka shallow) that deGrom is their best pinch hitter. 

Hilarious! 

…and it’s true. Terry Collins has announced that he will use deGrom as a PH.

A ball is gonna break his hand while he’s up there–perhaps while he’s putting a bunt down. Get ready for gaming teams to headhunt. Metsblow.

Update on Murphy’s Hamstring

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I can’t believe they’re trotting him out on Opening Day. Murph is gonna die on his feet out there.

He’s been assessed by our med team as day-to-day! That means all-star break at least! Don’t they learn anything? Murph = done.

He’s gonna re-aggravate it in game 1 and then he won’t play and he won’t get re-signed by the Mets. This is a play to lower his asking price. They’re gonna hurt him on purpose. But other teams will see through it and give him 4 yr/$40mil (or even $50mil) and he’ll take it.

Murphy To Play Opening Day?

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Apprently Murph is gonna play? I assume it’s a hologram. Or they’ll just have Tejada put on his jersey and hope nobody will notice. I wonder how his distinctly Hispanic walk-up music will work against Murphy’s distinctly Irish tune.

Murphy’s hammy will be 100% on Opening Day. 100% removed from his body and dangling lifelessly off of 2nd base. #PrayForMurphy

Curtis Granderson’s Knee Injury

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Curtis Granderson left today’s preseason game after being hit on the knee with a fastball from Lance Lynn. Granderson went to first base, finished the inning, but left the game after the inning was over. He gave a thumbs up as he walked (re: hobbled) off the field.

1) He’s dead. His knee exploded. He’s out forever. Looks like Captain Kirk is going in.

2) Gamesmanship from the Cardinals as usual. Time to fight fire with fire. I hope Matt Harvey blasts Matt Holliday in the face. Get tough, Mets. This is what the Cardinals do. This is what the winners do.

P.S. There’s only one other option to fighting fire with fire, and that’s fighting fire with water. The Cards went Cobra Kai and swept the leg (or knee, rather). Well, I’m not sure if Grandy can bat while assuming the Crane position, but that would be something.

Cesar Puello Placed on Waivers

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Mets OF prospect Cesar Puello has been put on waivers. You may remember that he was a beast prospect. The Mets really liked him. So did other scouts. Then, he was suspended 50 games in 2013 for PEDs and violating MLB’s Joint Drug Agreement.

At one point, he looked like this. (Click for Picture). 

Get back on the juice, Cesar! What’re you doing? You used to MASH! You were fucking huge! That shoulder! That neck! Juice juice juice! We need some fucking hitters!

P.S. Everyone looooves Conforto. Keith loves him. I love him. We all love him. He’s got a sweet stroke. He’s on the fast track to the majors. Hopefully he’s not the next Puello…the Mets love ruining hitting prospects…and pitching prospects, but that’s another story.

The Front Office Will Blame The Fans When The Bullpen Sucks

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One of the big problems that the fans correctly pointed out this year was that the Mets had absolutely no backup plan for left-handed reliever Josh Edgin. Edgin tore it the fuck up last season, then tore his elbow the fuck up this Spring Training.

When Alderson commented that they were considering going into the season with no LH reliever, the fans were (rightfully) outraged. Since then, the Mets’ front office has drastically overcompensated and is now looking to carry three (mostly shitty) lefties in the bullpen.

When the lefties don’t do well, because let’s face it, they’ve never really done well, the Mets will blame the fans. They’ll say, “see, this is what you wanted!” Not only that, but the very fact that they knee-jerk responded to fan outcry is a true sign of idiocy. This isn’t quite on the scale of pablum as Star Wars Episode 1; George Lucas famously got his new character ideas by crowdsourcing, then everyone hated his new characters, then Lucas blamed them for being stupid.

Well, George Lucas, you’re supposed to be the visionary genius! The movie maverick! You’re supposed to be the idea man, not us! If it was easy to make a super awesome movie, everyone would do it.

Sandy Alderson reminds me of some kind of SNL character (or just a kid with Aspergers) who takes things too literally. Three fans are all asked, “what should the Mets do?” And each responds, “get a left handed reliever.” So what does Sandy “Vag” Alderson do? He goes and gets three left handed relievers!

Just like George Lucas, the Mets are all about selling tickets. Movies, baseball games, whatever. It’s about making money. The Mets feared that without a lefty reliever, they wouldn’t sell as many tickets. They were right about that. So they go and somehow shoot themselves in the foot even harder than they already had. To quote Jar-Jar Binks, “Yoosa team gonna stink, okeeday!”

Mets Sign Juan Lagares to a 4-year Extension

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YES! Open them wallets you Jew fucks!! 4 years, 20mil.

Juan Lagares is the guy. He really is. Juanny Beisbol is THE GUY. We haven’t had a CF since Beltran. Now I’m not saying Lagares can hit like Beltran (Beltran hit 41 dingers in ’06!), but a healthy Lagares is an MVP candidate. Gary, Keith, and Ron think he’s the best CF they’ve ever seen. EVER. He’s majestic out there. As a leadoff hitter, we need to see him score 110+ runs.

It’s actually one of the few (VERY FEW) reasons going to Shittyfield has merit. While watching TV, you only have one option for camera angles. But at the game, you can just fix your eyes on center. It’s a sight to behold.

Sidebar: TV should really consider multiple angle choices. How sick would that be? It wouldn’t be hard, either. Just click a button and switch the camera that you’re viewing. Umpire cam. Catcher cam. Pitcher cam. Lagares cam 1st person. Lagares cam 3rd person. Etc.

Gee Officially Named 5th Starter

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Dillon Gee will be the 5th starter. Raphael Montero, despite being lights out in his audition, will start the season in the bullpen (most likely). I assume he’ll be a long reliever, but hey, if Mejia and Familia can’t get it together, and Parnell remains injured, we might see Montero closing soon.

I like this. I like it a lot. You just don’t give the keys to the castle to a young bull. You have to make them claw for it. They have to pay their dues. Let’s see him dominate in relief. Our bullpen has been hurt badly by the losses of Edgin and Black (he’s day-to-day forever). Gee was the incumbent, and has looked sharp in Spring as well. Someone is bound to get hurt. Montero is the first guy there to make a spot start, or even fill in for a long time if someone gets severely hurt (day-to-day) or Gee or someone else gets traded or they want to limit Harvey’s innings, etc.

This is objectively the right move. Let’s make the kid work. It’s a team game, and Montero’s value is highest in the bullpen. He’s going to pitch. He’s going to get lots of opportunities to prove himself. Let’s see if he does.