Doin’ A Little Flexen

New York Mets v Cincinnati Reds
Flexen got sent down as I prepared this article

 

Crybaby faggots will blame umpire Angel Hernandez. He’s a Mexican bitch who should be deported. We all know this. This isn’t new. He’s been terrible for decades. He’s consistently referred to as “terrible” by MLB players, coaches, and fans. He shrunk the strike zone in the 18th inning when we had a lead for fucks sake. I’m not here to apologize for Angel Hernandez, who is a filthy, dirty Mexican who should be deported. I’m a big “deport Angel Hernandez” guy. We all are. That’s all well and good.

I’m also not here to give the Brewers any credit. They are terrible. Ryan Jew Braun is a pipsqueak without the hard juicing and of course is one of the biggest faggots of all time because he screamed, “VINDICATED!!!!” when MLB screwed up his drug test and changed the + to a -, only for his next drug test to be + six months later. He couldn’t quietly take the W. He cheated on his roids test, passed, and then roid raged out about how unfair it was that he got tested. Then, he failed his next test when they wouldn’t let him cheat again. Amazing. The delusion. Amazing. As delusional as Jews who still think the Holocaust happened. Again, the Brewers deserve no credit. It took them 2 whole innings to score on Flexen. That’s terrible. That’s 2 innings longer than it should take. The fact that it took the Brewers 18 innings to beat the Mets with Rosario making 3 errors and an umpire who was cheating on your behalf is next level doodoo. Brewers: you are terrible without Yelich.

But let’s do a little Flexen, here. Been hittin the Nautilus room. Do a little Flexen, give the fans a show. Flexen got sent down, thankfully, as I prepared this article. Of course, they’ll excuse it as “after 18 innings, we need fresh arms for the bullpen” because we need to protect the fragile egos of soft pussy ass professional athletes, nowadays. I’ve got nothing against the guy. He looks like a good guy. Probably loves his mom. Probably loves Jesus. All good things. But you’re terrible. Goodbye. Don’t come back. Rosario? You’re terrible, too. You also need to be sent down. I hope you figure it out and come back but it’s probably not gonna happen ’cause you’re terrible. Gimenez time! Maybe we can trade Rosario. Any team need a guy who makes 3 errors per game?

P.S. Special thanks to the Mets for giving 2 full games worth of blow in 1. Usually you have to pay double for that kind of action. Worst game in Mets history? Possibly. Gotta love all the pitchers complaining about juiced baseballs this season and yet we haven’t scored in fucking FOREVER. We’ve got like, what, 5 runs in the last 45 innings? And one was a homer by a pitcher? Mets blooooooow.

P.P.S. When the Mets took a 3-2 lead in the top of the 18th, with Flexen set to come back for his 2nd inning of work in the bottom half, it’s moments like that that you NEED a bookie on call at all times. Statistically, you’re bound to get good odds betting against a team that is leading in the middle of the 18th. The outcome was the LOCK OF THE FUCKING CENTURY.

Preblow: Mets @ Brewers; Is This When The Wheels Fall Off?

The Face of Brew Crew Nation.
The Face of Brew Crew Nation.

The Brewers are technically the 2nd worst team in the league. They are 1/2 game in front of the Phillies for that honor.

So here’s what I think happens: I think the Mets take 2 out of 3. Niese, Colon, and deGrom against trash pitching. Much like we showed against the Blue Jays, we can QUIET DOWN any bats. And against dogshit pitching like the Phillies/Brewers, we can score 1 (maybe even 2!) runs.

Here’s what will happen next: Sandy will go, “Seeee! Seeee! We’re fiiiine. It was just the curse of Turner Field.” We have a knack for putting masking tape on hemorrhagic wounds.

Have we run out of masking tape? Not with our pitching. It’s possible we lose 1-0 for the rest of the season. It really is. I don’t deny that possibility. But the Mets have shown that they’re a not-completely-dogshit¬†team because of their 10/10 pitching and 0/10 hitting and fielding. That’s better than teams like the Phillies and the Brewers.

Preblow: Colon Opens The Series Against DooDooBrewCrew

El Burro loco
El Burro loco

After getting their shit pushed in by the Cubs at Wrigley, the Mets return home to face the doo doo Brew Crew, who have the worst record in baseball.

Bartolo Colon will face Kyle Lohse, who has an ERA over 7.

Bartolo Colon apparently likes to be called “Pancho,” after his pet burro. Growing up, Pancho was the hardest-working on animal on Colon’s family farm.

Good luck, Tolo. Keep pitching this way and you’ll be on a good team in no time! I really don’t want to see you go, but getting major league ready, twenty-something-year-old hitters in a deal for you has to be explored. The reason it has to be explored is because, unlike the Cubs who solved their pitching problems by signing Lester, the Jewpons will NEVER make a free agent signing like that. We’ve made a hard pass on Cruz twice now! We completely dismissed Hanley. We’re simply a small market team in the biggest city in the nation. Metsblow.