Postblow: We’re Out. It’s Over. Done.

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Pirates raped and pillaged last night.
Pirates raped and pillaged last night.

Pirates 4, Mets 1

Last night, the most obvious thing in the history of mankind since people discovered religion was just a farce for power happened. The thing: A good pitcher mowed the Mets the fuck down. The Mets lone run was UNEARNED, and wouldn’t have even scored if not for a wild pitch. Though that’s not an error on the scoreboard, let it be said that it took 5 outs to get the Mets lone run. Oh and by the way in that inning, we didn’t get the tying run home from 3rd with one out.

Also in obvious news, the Mets are no longer in a playoff spot. Technically we’re “tied” with the Cubs for a WC, but nah. Nope. We’re out. Game over, man. Game over.

Have you guys noticed that we’re the slowest team ever? In MLB 2K15 our team speed is a 0.5 (.5 for Lagares). 2 caught stealing in 2 innings. Remember when Wright tried to steal? He might miss all of 2015. Gee and Niese for Revere and Victorino, respectfully? They’re similar. Revere may be a blossoming youth but Vic’s got the chips. How about Gee and Niese for ARod?

I actually like the fact that Mets are stealing attempting steals. God knows we can’t get runs otherwise. It’s a joke. Murphy was out by a hundred miles. But I get it. I get why Terry would do it and I’m not mad at it.

Lucas Duda, our best defensive infielder BAR NONE (not to mention obviously our best hitter by a hundred million miles), made an error that was scored a hit in the 2nd inning. It was an error. “Home book call,” as Keith said. It rattled Thor a bit, cost us a couple of runs, and that was the game!

After the Pirates batted somewhere in the middle innings, I went to pee during the commercial break. I came back and it was a commercial break. I thought maybe it was just a long break, or an injury. NOPE! Just a double play and the fastest half inning ever.

A good thing about the Mets: With the exception of when we get shelled (like we did twice against the Cards), the games are SHORT. Double plays on double plays. End the suffering quickly.

Jung Ho Kang (a gold glove winner in Korea) dazzled in the field. He made a play that no Mets SS makes in a million years. He also had an RBI. If only Jeffy Wilpon hadn’t explicitly told Sandy, “no chanks.” Sandy replied, “OK, and besides, we’ve got Flores! We don’t need a gold glover who bats .300 and also plays every infield position. Our bench is full, anyway.”

P.S. What a fucking douche home plate umpire. Horrendous anti-Mets calls (look at the K-Zone analysis; it was blatantly biased) and more importantly, he wore short sleeves in 30 degree weather.

Preblow: Can Our Pitching Be EXTRA Good?

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Yaarrrr
Yaarrrr

OK, let’s go to Pittsburgh. This team sucks, right? Our pitching is great, right? Check out the matchups:

Thor vs Cole

Harvey vs Burnett

Niese vs Liriano

Notice anything? I noticed that their pitchers are good–very good. Are ours better? Yes, absolutely. But their pitchers are going to MOW US DOWN. They have decent hitting, and we don’t. Get ready for more of the same from your New York Metropolitans.

P.S. Watch Kang…you know, that Korean infielder that we passed on…rake against us. Watch. Are you watching? An infielder with an avg/obp/ops of .313/.378/.828 for less than 3mil/year? WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE WANT THAT!?

P.P.S. Mr. Metsblow with his owner’s hat on begged for the singing of Kang in the offseason. BEGGED.

Postblow: Get Ready for dePuns

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deBest!

deGrenominal!

deOnehitter!

deSavior!

Mets 5, Cards 0

It was a really close fucking game until the end, too. Duda provided some major insurance with his 2nd dinger of the game in the bottom of the 8th. He hasn’t been hitting much, recently, but they say dingers come in bunches!

deGrom was masterful. He only let up 1 hit–a one-out single in the first inning. He then retired 23 in a row. 8 IPs, 0 R, 1 H, 11 Ks, 0 BBs. Wow.

Good split against the best team in baseball. Harvey and deGrom are the best. We really do have the best pitching in baseball. Can Sandy make us into a MEDIOCRE offense by acquiring someone? I doubt it. Metsblow.

**UPDATE: Mets.com called the performance “deGrominating.” Oh, dePuns, dePuns, dePuns…

Preblow: A Day Game Means We Can Get It Over With

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Yay! Day Game! This should help assuage everyone’s boredom at work, what with all the excitement and explosiveness we’ve come to expect from our team.

The best part about day games is that we get this shit over with.

deGrom is deMan. Maybe we actually win this one, if he throw a CGSO for 14 innings so we can maybe JUST MAYBE etch out a run.

When it’s all said and done, we win this game and a 2-2 split ain’t so turrble against the best team we’ve seen so far. That’s what a WC team could do, and that’s what we might possibly be if we (re: Sandy and the Jews) make a move.

Postblow: If Only…

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Big Sexy was not at his sexiest.
Big Sexy was not at his sexiest.

If only Bartolo had better stuff last night. Then we would’ve…uhhh…scored zero runs and lost.

Zero…fucking…runs. Against the only shitty pitcher on the Cards’ staff, by the way. Stop me if this sounds familiar.

Tim Teufel needs to start sending everybody, always. We need to get insanely aggressive. No runners at 3rd base ever. We have no other choice. I’d rather see them tagged out at the plate than stranded on 3rd. From now on, we steal every time and hit&run every time and that’s it.

Please also note: Matt Cerrone and his crew of bitch lackeys are calling for Terry’s head. Sleep well with your Jew money, Matt, you two-faced F.A.G. I can’t believe the Wilpons and their shills are this dumb. Wait, yes I can. WHAT THE FUCK IS TERRY SUPPOSED TO DO? Should he put Flores or Tejada at shortstop? Oh, wow, the possibilities! I’m not even much of a Terry supporter, really. I just feel bad for him because this whole thing is bullshit. Truth be told, the only real situation I could get fully behind would be if the Mets made me Player/Coach/Owner. That’s the goal.

P.S. The Mets are officially out of 1st place. What a wild ride it was. Wilder than the Dumbo ride at Disney.

WEEEEEEEE!!!
WEEEEEEEE!!!

P.P.S. Conforto hit a GW dinger in the top of the 9th in St. Lucie…ALL IN FOR 2017!!

Postblow: I Told Them To Cancel The Damn Game

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Cards 10, Mets 2

In the preblow, I told them to cancel. This game was pointless. We all knew this is how it was gonna go.

Jon Niese will shoulder–if he has any muscle left in there–the blame for this loss. That is unjust. Yes, he got done up. Yes, he deserves an L. However, we DON’T SCORE RUNS. At all. We are a travesty on offense. He deserves an L but not all the blame.

That 10-run inning a few days ago was the worst thing that could’ve happened to us. Now, at the end of the month, the Jewpons will say, “no no no, we’re hitting! We don’t need to spend any money. Our runs/game aren’t so bad!” Of course, Mets fans know that 10-run inning was the exception that proves the rule. The rule is: we’re not allowed to hit.

So it’s time to make a move. If a move isn’t made by the all-star break, we will not make the playoffs. We probably won’t anyway, but a move could help. How about Niese or Gee for Victorino straight up? A starting OF with 2 rings? Naaaaahhh. How bout any fucking pitcher for any fucking hitter? Ya know–to make our team better? Naaaaahh.

Oh and P.S. we are now tied for 1st place with the Nats. It’s gonna be NECK and NECK the whole way through! Wow, what a tight race you guys! Really gonna come down to the wire! Metsblow. Minimum 10 games back by season’s end. Lock.

The Return-From-Injury Odds

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Hi everybody!
Hi everybody!

With Dr. Nick hard at work, who will return to the Mets first? Here are the odds and projected dates:

Travis d’Arnaud:

-The Mets said a month. It’s been a month. He’ll likely return fairly on time, whimpering every time he swings the bat. Odds on returning first are 1:1

David Wright:

-The Mets said May 15. He’s still two weeks away. Odds on returning first are 10:1.

Bobby Parnell:

-The Mets said late April. He’s likely dead. Odds on returning first are 50:1.

Vic Black:

-The Mets said mid May. He’s likely dead. Odds on returning first are 50:1.

Dilson Herrera:

-The Mets said he got hurt fielding grounders during batting practice. His finger will likely be amputated. Odds on returning first are 75:1.

Jerry Blevins:

-Hit by a nasty comebacker. The Mets said he’d be out for three months. It’s been only one month. Odds on returning first are 100:1.

Odds that they are all dead are 3:1. Odds that at least one of them is dead is the lock of the century and Vegas won’t take the bet.

Ceciliani to Replace Nieuwenhuis…and Cuddyer?

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The Mets are bringing up Greasy Ceciliani because Cap’n Kirk sucks ass. Metsblow. We know, we know, oh, oh.

But what about Cuddyer? He’s got full blown METS. He struck out in a must-not-strikeout situation last night. He fucking sucks. Why does he suck? Like I said, full blown METS. There’s no other explanation. It’s not age. It’s not injury. It’s the METS. That’s it. You don’t go from an OPS of .809 to .650 (the second lowest among left fielders) overnight. It doesn’t happen to anyone but the Mets. There’s no other explanation. It’s a fucking curse.

We need a shortstop! Good god do we need a shortstop! Well guess what, we need a left fielder, too.