deGrom’s deAd


Mets win. Duhhh. Phillies are daaaaaoooooogshit. We should win every game against them and rest Wright. Speaking of dudes wit dem back prollums, deGrom’s got a tight lat which is what kept Matz out for three months last season. They’re claiming it’s no big deal. Spinal stenosis diagnosis soon to follow. He’s not as dead as Schwarber but back-brace yourselves, folks. Sidebar: Is Schwarber a Jew?

Soup still managed to strikeout (with runners on) against the poo-poo Philly pen. We really should have kept Uribe & Jelly.

Wheeler’s going under the knife this weekend. PRAY.

Mets Sign Blevins; Terry Talks Cespedes


1 year. 4mil. Great deal. Contract year for a stud lefty specialist with glass bones. The first fistfight in Punch-Out.

Still need Tolo. Still need Clip. Bastardo, mayhaps? BASTARDO!! The star of Spanish Game of Thrones.

Today, when asked about Cespedes, Terry said, “I know they are working to find some backup pieces that will help us out.” Choooo. Big dick swing from Terry. He might as well have called them jewfags. Publicly stating that the Mets front office is only going to get backups is calling them the fuck out. Of course we’re all going to crazy hearing that. That means they’re not even going to get Span or Parra! That’s insane! OUT OF CONTROL!

For the past 7 years, they’ve been saying we needed to be patient for NOW. And you know what? They were absolutely right. The young studs are elite. You have to move all-in now. You promised. And you were right. Fulfill the prophecy.

I think deGrom’s words on Cespedes were BIG. If Harvey said it, it’d be front page news. Let that be a lesson in how the media protrays someone. Don’t get me wrong, deGrom is very much the antithesis of Harvey in a lot of ways, like Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker, or Fire & Ice. That makes deGrom being the guy to speak up about Cespedes even more meaningful. I hope Harvey calls Sandy a fagoat.

Members of the Metsblow war room are claiming they will walkout if our demands aren’t met and I’m inclined to agree. Here is the list:

~Fill the remaining 4 roster spots (SP, RP, CF, backup 1B/OF) with real major leaguers

~One of the two pitching spots should be for Tolo.

~They may not put Flores as the backup 1B. Must replace Cuddy

~Get Cespedes. If you’re really, actually NOT going to sign Cespedes…if that’s a fucking THING, even after he proved to be the impact bat we’ve been dying for, even after he was the enzyme catalyst impetus spark synergist reactant kaboom bang bullshit intangible sports word that you wanna use X-FACTOR, even after what deGrom said, even after he put the whole city on his back, then you better fucking do something else that shows you believe in this team. The young guns will be fucking pissed. Look what the Giants do for Posey. Look what the Cubs are doing for Bryant. Bryant is going to be a lot easier to sign when he sees how much his GM cares.


It’s Giving Season

Tiz the season
Tiz the season, also my brother rolled a Turkey in our bowling league yesterday. Nice.

Marlins 9, Mets 3

deGrom got rocked. Cespedes got beaned (in the butt). The Nationals won. Not good not good not good. But let’s remember that it’s now giving season. So let’s give.

GIVE: deGrom some fucking rest. Rest that arm. Rest, rest, rest. He shut the Nats down. Don’t worry too much. Just rest him.

GIVE: Cespedes infinity dollars. That’s his worth. Attendance (both at the stadium and on TV) is up a bazillion percent. So are t-shirt sales. So is everything Mets-related. If the Mets don’t sign him, they not only don’t care about winning, but they don’t care about making money, either. These players are commodities, and Cespedes getting a $175mil contract will net billions for the Jewpons. I went to Stuy. I’m a mathemagician. He’s worth a billion dollars. If the Mets don’t sign him, we will spend much of the 2016 season watching Cespedes (and Michael Fulmer) tear up the league while we fall back to being a .500 or worse team.

GIVE: The pink slip to anyone who was in the war room voting against Cespedes. Apparently Alderson wanted him all the way (which makes sense since Billy Beane was Cespedes’ first MLB GM). But also apparently, some dudes tried to vote it down. Fire them all. Tiz the season for giving pink slips, too.

GIVE: All your attention, love, and prayers to the Mets. Ignore your friends and families completely (unless they’re also Mets fans) because now is the time. Ignore all Gods but the Baseball Gods, for the Baseball Gods are Mighty, Wrathful, and Angry. Pray to them. Pray, pray, pray. Give all your prayers to them. Now is the time.

deGromiwhatever Stupid Pun You Want To Use

deOnly Mets all-star
deOnly Mets all-star

The NL lost the all-star game. DANG! Imagine Game 1 at Shittifield! Dang! DANG DANG DANG! And we’re such contenders, too!

Well, deGrom did everything he could to help the NL. Holy fucking shit. He struck out the side (all swinging) on 10 pitches. None of the hitters (Vogt, Kipnis, Iglesias) even made contact. Chooooof.

So are we officially #TeamDeGrom now instead of #TeamHarvey? I don’t like the idea of splitting them up into teams. They’re both on the same team–#Team5aces and #TeamWastedTalent

Postblow: deGrom Should Play Every Day

Mets 4, Giants 1

What a gem for deGrom. 2 hits, 8 scoreless innings. What a way to respond to the Allstar nod. 

Parnell fucked up, and potential all-star Familia bailed him out. He gets another save. 

deGrom is the best shortstop on the team, bar NONE. He’s a better fielder and a better hitter than anyone we have for that position. It’s not a joke. It’s a fact. Start deGrom. He was responsible for the bulk of our offense today. 

Soup hit a dinger. The first non-Grandy dinger in about a fucking month. Contract extension, anyone?!

Plawecki is seeing the ball. Not “seeing the ball better.” Just “seeing the ball” for the first time since he got vertigo. They were putting him out there (because TDA is glass and Recker is dogshit) with vertigo–as in, a dude who is the equivalent of 30 beers deep and isn’t named Wade Boggs–because that’s what it’s come to. Hopefully Plawecki can be the guy from here on out. He’s seeing the ball! What an advantage!

So the Mets took 4 of 6 from the NL West’s best. Our pitching really is THAT good. And our hitting really is THAT bad. An average offense would have us winning 100 games this year. Instead, we’re in panic city, likely to go 81-81 at best. Best pitching + worst hitting + no fundies = under 81 wins. 

Postblow: Mets Win But Can’t Have Nice Things

Cool, calm, collected, and a tweaked hip
Cool, calm, collected, and a tweaked hip

Mets 7, Padres 0

The Nats game was rained out. The Mets won and are now tied for 1st place. Whooooo cares? NL LEEEEEEAAAASSSTT. Doodoo division.

On the 3-year anniversary of NOHAN (*swoon*), deGrom was almost as good, perhaps better in certain ways. Eight shutout innings. He faced 25 batters on route to recording 24 outs. But he got hurt (more on that later in the postblow). deGrom also looked great fielding his position. He’s the best infielder on the team by far. By the way, if deGrom throws a no-no, will they call it neGrom?

Ruben continues to blaaast. If he’s found a home in the 2-hole, chooo. Put him at SS for the rest of the season. Flores 2b, Murph 3b. Honestly, he’s lacing it. I don’t care. He’s been endearing me ever since I heard his electric theme music (Na De Na Ruby Rube Tejada) for the first time. I don’t think he even uses that song anymore, which is fine, because he clearly couldn’t hit for shit with that one. Bottom line: I don’t care. The Mets front office called him “lazy” a few years ago. Warranted? Racist? I don’t know. I just know he’s hitting now. I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. I’m all in on Team Tejada. I have been for a while. He’s hitting. His ABs aren’t boring. It’s a story. I don’t care. He’s the 4th best hitter on the team (behind Duda, Syndergaard, and Tolo). He’s roping it. “Ruben + Murph” could be a fun cat + dog show on Nickelodeon.

Here’s an important question: How hurt is Lagares? Kinda hurt? Or does he need TJ? Lagares and Cuddyer colliding at the very beginning of May. Juanny Beisbol was hitting .297 at the time. Since then, he has hit .211 and his arm has looked less-than-stellar. His arm’s dead. He’s also missed a couple balls out there. He still looks great on D, but he’s only been a 9.5 out there, unlike last year, when he was an 11. He’s hurt. We need about 2.5 more outfielders.

Here’s why we can’t have nice things: We won last night’s game 7-0. But what is the real story? The real story is that deGrom tweaked his hip and Duda didn’t even play because of a stiff (dead) knee. First good game in a while? NOPE! Two major injuries.

Postblow: Get Ready for dePuns





Mets 5, Cards 0

It was a really close fucking game until the end, too. Duda provided some major insurance with his 2nd dinger of the game in the bottom of the 8th. He hasn’t been hitting much, recently, but they say dingers come in bunches!

deGrom was masterful. He only let up 1 hit–a one-out single in the first inning. He then retired 23 in a row. 8 IPs, 0 R, 1 H, 11 Ks, 0 BBs. Wow.

Good split against the best team in baseball. Harvey and deGrom are the best. We really do have the best pitching in baseball. Can Sandy make us into a MEDIOCRE offense by acquiring someone? I doubt it. Metsblow.

**UPDATE: called the performance “deGrominating.” Oh, dePuns, dePuns, dePuns…

Preblow: deGrom deStopper


The Mets return home–where we are mysteriously 10-0–to face the Nats for 4 games. We’ve lost 2 in a row, and the very foundation of our team is that our pitching is SO GOOD, that we’ll NEVER have a real losing streak. That’s on you tonight, Jacob.

This series is a chance for us to truly prove ourselves. This series is a chance to put real distance between us and the supposed best team in the division (and in all of baseball, as many predicted). This series is also a chance for the Nats to prove that they are who they thought they are, and that we are who they thought we are. We’ll see. We’ve got deGrom and Harvey going against Strasburg and Scherzer, respectively. You can’t ask for better matchups than that.

Also, Montero is dead. 15 day DL? Oh it’s nothing, says the Mets media. Wake the fuck up, people. It’s April, and everyone is dead. We’re on pace to have 70+ injuries this year. We are PLAGUED. We are CURSED. Oh, and I guess we’re on pace for 100+ wins, har har.

Preblow: deGrom Must Learn from Last Time

In his last start, deGrom let up a 2-run dinger in the first inning. He settled down and didn’t allow another run. It was good enough to earn him an L. 

He must learn from this. Starting today–the home opener–he must remember that we can’t hit for shit. We lost the last game 2-1. He has to put up zeroes. We are going to see 2-1 and 1-0 on the scoreboard a LOT this season, just as we have in the previous few seasons. The difference this year has to be that we’re on the winning side of pitchers’ duels*. 

*And by pitchers’ duels, I mean offensive futility on our part. Fences in!! Laces out and fences in!! 

Happy deGrom Day!

You long haired freak
You long haired freak

Hoooooly shit. Am I too jacked for game 2? Probably. But look at what’s ahead of us: We have deGrom and Harvey taking the hill for a chance to WIN or perhaps even SWEEP SERIES in WASHINGTON?! Is that real? Is that a possibility? Yup.

The reality is that with this rotation, we can win any series, including a certain series that I won’t mention but it rhymes with hurled schmearies.

I’m sure our hitting and our owners will find ways to screw this up, but you’ve gotta love our chances.