Marlins 9, Mets 3

deGrom got rocked. Cespedes got beaned (in the butt). The Nationals won. Not good not good not good. But let’s remember that it’s now giving season. So let’s give.

GIVE: deGrom some fucking rest. Rest that arm. Rest, rest, rest. He shut the Nats down. Don’t worry too much. Just rest him.

GIVE: Cespedes infinity dollars. That’s his worth. Attendance (both at the stadium and on TV) is up a bazillion percent. So are t-shirt sales. So is everything Mets-related. If the Mets don’t sign him, they not only don’t care about winning, but they don’t care about making money, either. These players are commodities, and Cespedes getting a $175mil contract will net billions for the Jewpons. I went to Stuy. I’m a mathemagician. He’s worth a billion dollars. If the Mets don’t sign him, we will spend much of the 2016 season watching Cespedes (and Michael Fulmer) tear up the league while we fall back to being a .500 or worse team.

GIVE: The pink slip to anyone who was in the war room voting against Cespedes. Apparently Alderson wanted him all the way (which makes sense since Billy Beane was Cespedes’ first MLB GM). But also apparently, some dudes tried to vote it down. Fire them all. Tiz the season for giving pink slips, too.

GIVE: All your attention, love, and prayers to the Mets. Ignore your friends and families completely (unless they’re also Mets fans) because now is the time. Ignore all Gods but the Baseball Gods, for the Baseball Gods are Mighty, Wrathful, and Angry. Pray to them. Pray, pray, pray. Give all your prayers to them. Now is the time.