Month: May 2015

Preblow: Mets v Phillies and #HarveyDay and D-Wright’s Dead

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Big time barking.
Big time barking.

The Mets start a three-game series in Philly tonight. Harvey v Hamels in game 1. Choooo. The Phils’ lineup is doooogshit. It’s worse than the Mets’ lineup, and that’s saying something. Harvey must mow ’em down. We must take 2 of 3 in Philly. They’re stinky doodoo dogshit. Nuff said.

You know who loves hitting Hamels and lefties in general? David Wright. Oooooh his poor back. Or was it his hamstring? Or was it his shoulder? The beauty of the Mets is that you ALWAYS know what you’re dealing with. They’re ALWAYS lying. They’re not wishy-washy at all. They’re 100% reverse-guarantees every time. The second they said that Wright would be back by “May 15,” we could all take solace in the complete, indisputable truth that he would not be back on May 15. I wonder what the Vegas oddsmakers had his return date prop-bet set as. I imagine after the May 15 announcement from the Jewbrass, Vegas set the O/U at about the all-star break.

This means Herrera will get more playing time (at 2nd, with Murph moved to 3rd), assumedly. “Phew, good thing Wright got hurt, now I don’t have to make any decisions!” -Sandy

Happy Recap: Mets Win, Baltimore Riots

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Mets 5, Orioles 1

Holy shit there, B-more, calm down. I know you got swept by the Mets but do you really need to riot over that? Oh, did something else happen? Hmm, what? No, I don’t watch the news, I just take the government’s word for things…

The Mets came alive with the long ball a little bit. Grandy hit one–at this rate he’ll catch Nelson Cruz (who we decided wasn’t a good fit for us) in no time! Herrera hit one–Murphy will probably be traded soon. Oh, wait, no, they’ll just let him walk and get nothing for him. The Mets actually managed to score runs in multiple innings! WOW! I didn’t know they could do that.

deGrom was deBest again, striking out 9 and only allowing 1 run in 7 innings. He used his off-speed pitches more, including one that struck out Crash Davis with the bases loaded, ending the 5th inning threat.

With 3 outs to go in a non-save situation, Collins brought in Bighat. I liked the move. Then, after an innocuous first two batters (an infield single on a hard hit ball that Murph knocked down and a fielder’s choice that got the lead runner), Collins yanked Bighat and brought in Familia, still in a non-save situation. WHY!? “Blow out all their arms!” -The leprechaun on Collins’s shoulder. I guess we have a day off but jeeez, Terry.

Our pitching is SO GOOD. It’d be such a fucking shame to waste it. It’s so heartbreaking when we lose games 1-0, which happens way too often. We really should have 20 wins already.

The Mets announced that Wright will likely be back on May 15, but they didn’t mention which year.

Also, I want to point out something I’ve been saying for a week: Duda is great. He’s not on the chopping block, duhhh. He’s the furthest position player from it. But the Mets haven’t scored in forever and Duda is a part of that. His avg is under .300 now. He didn’t do shit at Yankee Stadium (where sweet, little old ladies go to hit dingers), and he really hasn’t hit since the win streak ended. It could be related to a lack of D-Wright and talent in the lineup around him.

Home Runs Hit Today by Non-Mets: Justin Turner, Marlon Byrd…just to name a a couple.

Well, hey, nice lil interleague series there against a good team with a good lineup (though they lost Cruz). Now it’s off to Philly, where we MUST continue to assert ourselves. Gotta take at least 2 outta 3.

Preblow: Can We Sweep The Orioles Off The Street?

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The Mets go for the sweep tonight. Yes, two games count as a sweep! It’s a two game series, gah!

They snapped their scoreless streak last night in the 4th, and then proceeded to start up a new one. I get it, you can’t score every inning. The Mets sure do love taking innings (re: games) off at the plate, though.

deGrom against Ubaldo tonight. deGrom is coming off a pair of bad outings, and Jimenez is coming off a pair of bad seasons. Actually, his 2013 wasn’t so bad, but his 2012 was atrocious. He’s over the hill, so our lineup presents a perfect opportunity for him to recapture his old magic.

Let’s sweep the O’s off the street. Let’s put the beatdown on them. They think they can rise up? We should just murder them all and be cleared of all charges without trial. Is that a thing that can happen?

I saw a pair of fully-decked-out-in-O’s-gear fans walking my way last night, and I, in my Mets cap, flipped them off and yelled, “fuck you!” They were shocked and frightened. They must’ve been from the Maryland suburbs or something. Baltimore citizens would never be so soft.

Happy Recap: Mets Bats Come Alive Against Tough Pitching; 1st Place Now A Lock!

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No helmet can hold Big Sexy.
Good thing this interleague game was NL hosted

Mets 3, Orioles 2

“The Mets scored a tremendous 3 runs last night…”

—

So I lifted that headline and opening sentence from Metsblog. God I hate the fucking Mets media. They didn’t actually write that, but they basically write something like that every night. Here’s something they actually DID write before last night’s game: Juan Lagares has hit in all 14 home games this year, during which he’s batting .377. Guess how many hits he had today! Go on, guess! I’ll wait. Guess! …Metsblog, killing streaks since 2007.

Boy do we need Tolo keep testing clean. If his current pace is maintained, is he a Hall of Fame candidate? He’s tested positive and he got the international waters arm surgery, but his numbers are close to there. Two more years of this, and it’s legit. Of course, his win totals are skewed because of all the offensive help we give him…

As far as this game was concerned, Big Sexy brought the sex. Familia let up a dinger to Crash Davis but locked down the save. If the Mets had blown this one, there’d have been a riot. Norris, the O’s pitcher, came in with an ERA of 13, and thanked the baseball gods for an opportunity to face our lineup and get back to a respectable ERA. To be fair, Norris is a right hander, and you know how we do against right handers with ERAs over 10.

Colon has now defeated the Orioles with 7 different teams. Ballin. deGrom goes for the 2-game-series sweep tonight.

Preblow: Baltimore Comes to Queens

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“A riot is the language of the unheard.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Sheeeeeiiit.” -Senator Clay Davis

Baltimore has been ON FIRE, winning 5 of their last 6. We’re in big trouble. Big, bad Baltimore is coming our way guns-a-blazing and we’re nothing more than a wounded minority in a city run by evil men #MetsLivesMatter

Big Sexy takes the hill tonight. He suffered his first loss of the season last time out. It was his own fault, since he let up more than zero runs. Mets starters should know better by now.

Metsblow 1/6 of the Season Report

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David Wright doing his best Kevin Ware impression.
David Wright doing his best Kevin Ware impression.

After about 1/6 of the season, the Mets are in 1st place! Wow, the view from the top is atrocious! Prepare for the long tumble down, everyone.

The offense looks like the offense we know and expected. The Mets didn’t do anything to fix it, other than move the fences in. We didn’t come close. Our “fix” was, “we swear Wright will be better this year, we got Cuddy, and we swear we’ll improve at SS!” David Wright is nowhere close to returning. He’s dead. Cuddy has METS disease, and if it’s not Flores in there making 2 errors/game, we are witness to the Great Ruben starting for 6 years now, which is essentially longer than Reyes’s tenure.

We should have traded both Reyes and Wright, and while we’re at it, the stadium should’ve been this way from the start. We’d probably have Jurickson and Addison and Kris and more, had we made moves. Maybe we’ll be singing a different tune when Wright comes back. But even if he comes back, he’s Mr. Glass at this point. As is Reyes, of course.

Good one, Mr. Cerrone!
Good one, Metsblog!

Johnny Monell got called up to be the primary left handed bat off the bench. Kirk is so fucking bad that we brought up a catcher to be a pinch hitter.

Meanwhile, the pitching deserves praise. The pen deserves praise. Familia has stepped up. Bighat has stepped up, and he’s a fashion icon. The bullpen has preserved a bunch of 1-0 losses, and that’s not easy. We could’ve lost 3-0 or even 10-0 but we didn’t. We hold on to those 1-0 shutout like champs! #Metsblow

Can Cuddy take some steroids or something? Can David? Can they all? Our pitchers probably are (Mejia!). Pass that shit around, boys. Stop hogging it all. And can we make a fucking trade? The Red Sox are desperate for pitching. “We don’t have a square to spare.” -Jeffy Wilpon. Get Pedroia! Blow it the fuck up! Trade Thor. Make the damn move. We’re so fucking boring at the plate. We don’t score. We couldn’t score with a drunk slut on prom night. We couldn’t score if we had a hot date with a babe…I lost my train of thought.

It’s time to make a trade. We have to make a trade. We need offense, or we will not be a good team. Are we just going to wait for Conforto to come up? Because by then, Harvey will be in pinstripes.

Has Jeff Wilpon Been Reached for Comment RE: Pedro?

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Jef Wilponamd-pedro-unhappy-jpg

First, check out this original post from May 2nd (click me!). 

Yesterday, Pedro reiterated this to Mike Francesca. Wilpon told him, “this is why we paid you,” and forced the injured star onto the field. Jeff and his greedy Jew father made a few thousand bucks extra on tickets that day, and ultimately cost themselves millions by hamstringing their chances at a title in 2006.

Has baby Jeffy been reached for comment? What’s happening here? As far as I’m concerned, Wilpon committed and arrest-able offense (as he frequently does). Can you imagine if you were at the doctor, and the doctor told you to stay home, and your boss said, “no, you have to come in.” That’s some sweatshop shit! #fuckthewilpons #firethewilpons

If you were thinking about buying a ticket to a Mets game, buy Pedro’s book instead.

The Team! The Time! The Mets!

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For all those douchebags that were saying, “we’re taking the city back!” 1) Fuck You. 2) The Yankees have a better record than us.

For all those douchebags that were saying, “our offense is finally clicking!” 1) Fuck You. 2) We have scored 11 runs in the past 7 games. We have scored zero runs in the past 18 innings (we lost both games 1-0). The game before that, we won 1-0 thanks to a heroic effort from our hero, Matt Harvey. Oh, wait, that game was actually 4-0 thanks to Werth falling down in left field. See, we can get insurance runs! It’s all good!

For all those douchebags that are saying, “Wright will be back soon! d’Arnaud, too!” 1) Fuck You. 2) Wright’s timetable has already been pushed back three times. And by timetable, I mean the blatant lie that we were told when he first went down. 3) d’Arnaud is d’Ead.

At least even the biggest Spring-hopeful-bandwagoner Mets fans recognized right away how much our middle infield fucking blows.

Mets Activate Johnny Monell But Don’t Send Recker Down

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"I'm sorry, I was lost in your eyes." -Sandy Alderson
“I’m sorry, I was lost in your eyes.” -Sandy Alderson

Handsome Anthony Recker dodged the guillotine once again. The Mets are bringing up catcher Johnny Monell, but will keep Recker and carry three catchers.

By the way, the Mets didn’t announce who they are sending down. This is likely due to Recker glamouring Collins and Alderson, leaving them flat-footed in their decision. Perhaps he glamoured the commish into allowing htem a 26-man roster.

How else can you explain the Mets keeping Recker up? I want you all to know that he has 1 hit this season. 1!!! And it wasn’t a hit. It wasn’t. Watch the replay. It was an error. I don’t care what the official scorekeeper said. It was an error. He has zero hits.

You could basically send any position player down (save for Lagares and Duda) and I wouldn’t blink.

The Area 51s Are Better Than the Mets

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Kinda looks like Mr. Met...
Kinda looks like Mr. Met…

The Mets are officially the plot of a second run, practically straight-to-youtube movie. In Major League 3: Back to the Minors, the Buzz (the Twins AAA team) are better than the Twins. Sound familiar?

The Area 51s are on a 10 game winning streak. This is mostly due to the team betting on themselves at the MGM Sportsbook–a great incentive.

With Thor and Matz pitching, could the Mets score any runs? With this lineup, I sincerely doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Reynolds and co. were able to scratch out a run and beat the Mets 1-0.