mets

Greasy Cecchini (Not Rosario) Promoted

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Why promote the guy hitting .350 when you could promote the guy hitting .250? 

Why put Dru on the 10-day DL when you can list him as day-to-day and play shorthanded (and shortthumbed)? He was only writhing in pain. I’m sure it’s nothing! Not like we’ve had problems in the recent past with failing to put injured players on the DL and thus exacerbating their injuries.

Why blame the organization when a kid gets out of line when you can just blame the kid? After Doc & Darryl, you’d think the Mets would consider chaperones or something, but naaaaaah, we don’t need to protect our billion dollar blue chips. 

d’Arnaud d’Ead

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Poor, poor Travis. Just keeps on dying. Mets disease is the realest. I wanna say, “I told you so” when I wrote that the Mets should’ve traded Matz & TDA (and I think a minor leaguer) for Arenado, but Arenado would’ve died, too. Rockies probably would’ve baited & switched for Thor, anyway. Well, he’s dead, too.

They all blow. It’s really not fun. Mets went 4-2 on that road trip with an ERA of 8. The starters! The precious starters! Montero tonight. Rocket launcher engaged. 

Mets Win a Game in Atlanta and Act Like They Accomplished Something

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Oooh a regular season win? Yeah you’ve really overcome so much.
You won a game…against the worst team in the league. La dee freakin’ da. Everyone is praising their resiliency. Everyone is ecstatic that the ship has been righted.

Ummmm, the ship will not be righted until Ray Ramirez is thrown overboard. And the Jewpons, too. What kind of videotape do you think Ray has on Baby Jeffy? Is it him calling someone, “niggerfaggotcunt?” Is it him raping a male toddler? Is it him in Carcosa ceremoniously sacrificing virgins? How the fuck else can you possibly explain Ray Ramirez still on this team?!

The Mets have NEVER–not for 1 day–had all 5 of their young guns active at the same time. But why pay Tolo?! Retards. The reason Tolo stayed healthy was because he’s a vet with his own doctors. At least there’s no more Turner Field. At least Reyes is getting it going. He’s likely to get hurt next. 

How Can The Sky Fall When There Is No Sky?

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Both injured. Both need more medical marijuana.

Pick the two Mets that you’d LEAST want to be injured. 

…they’re both injured.

The sky is not falling because there is no sky. The sky is for teams with hope. The sky does not exist in hell.

Why wasn’t Ray Ramirez the first person that Sandy let go?? 

Murph’s GS Was Soooo Scripted

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Memba this guy? Memba the 2015 playoffs? I memba!

Lock of the century. Bases juiced. I wish I had an easily accessible bookie. I would’ve got the parlay, too, with the Zimmerman K preceding it. 

Walker also hit a dinger. And Murph made bad plays at 2nd. So pretty much par for the course. Without Yo, there’s no reason to watch. Conforto should start in center when Yo returns (pray). Bruce in RF. Oh wait, Duda is dead soooo I guess Bruce at 1st? Conforto at 1st? One of em in RF and one of em at 1st? It doesn’t matter because the Mets blow? 

Rock Bottom Came Sooner Than Usual This Year!

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Duda? Obviously. TDA? Lock of the year. But Yo is hurt. Cover the field. Concede until he returns…if he returns. Oh and we lost the rubber game to the PHILLIES with Thor on the mound today. Unearned runs. Stop me if you’ve heard this before. Maybe we should move the fences in. 

Let’s Trade Bruce 

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Two laser dingers at Citi? Nah, he can’t handle New York. One was a game winner? He’s just not cut out for the pressure situations. 

Meanwhile, the Mets pen blew another big lead late. Oooops. They’re going for the world record. Charged to the starter, but the inherited runner was a 100% lock to score and tie the game. Let’s trade Bruce for a mediocre at best reliever! Bring in another bum! It’s obvious Bruce can’t handle NY. 

Why Blame Jose?

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“Dropped popup” in Spanish? “Mendoza line?”

Don’t blame Jose. He’s not a 3rd baseman, he’s a wifebeater–errr, shortstop. Blame the bullpen for letting the wheels fall off? Nah, they’ll be better once the wifebeater–errr, closer, returns. Hilarious extra innings final score, though. 

The dropped popup was bad but why were we in that position? We should’ve been up by 10. We obsess over highlights and lowlights and love microscopic spotlights. Bill Buckner. Did he fuck up? You bet. But the Sox had that game won. Don’t forget the 9th inning rally. Don’t forget Mookie’s dance. Don’t forget that the Sox built a roster for their racist town and could’ve been better from the get-go. 

I ain’t gonna scapegoat Jose. The wifebeating? Cultural! The lack of hitting? Cultural! The truth is that the Mets didn’t hit for shit against the PHILLIES and their last place staff. Jose is a part of that. Good thing Wright will be back soon! It hurt my back to laugh at that sentence. 

The Worst Series I Have Ever Seen

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Congrats to the Mets on not getting no-no’d. The Mets got MOWED DOWN by Fins’ scrubs all weekend. Thor, deGrom, Harvey…all pitched very well…but…the Mets couldn’t hit shit off of bums. That’s really what the series came down to. That and the fact that we’re conceding April to keep our rotation healthy.

So all 4 games were terrible and lifeless. We managed to win one. So my prediction that we’d get swept was wrong. But after those brutal Fri/Sat losses, you couldn’t script a worse way to lose yesterday. Practically no hit. Dead as fuck. A miraculous 9th inning comeback and then immediately blowing it in the bottom of the 9th. It was Metsian poetry at its finest. Yo makes a game saving throw and then derp–next batter cranks a game winning blast. Sigh, well, nice throw, Yo. Just hit 2 (3?) dingers per game and we might just win a game. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Marlins lineup is better than ours. Their pitching isn’t but their rotation (and pen!) sure looked good against our shitty hitters. 

Dear Terry, You’re a Faggot Idiot

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Keep smilin’, Salas
Oooooh baby that was the biggest lock ever. deGrom crushing it? 13 Ks? Bats in the previous inning? Let’s bring out the hook, Terry! Salas for the 8th. Brilliant. Fuck you, Terry. You’re a shill. Don’t give in to the Jewpon demands. Be a manager and not a little bitch. Get fired by Jewpon/Alderson instead. You know deGrom has to be in there. 
Let the record show that I said that Yelich and Stanton would go back to back to tie the game and then we would lose in extras. My bad! Should’ve known there’d be a 4-pitch walk in there somewhere.

We can’t beat the Marlins with Thor or deGrom. We are worse than the Marlins. Fact. 

P.S. Happy Jackie Day, Curtis! Nice trapple. You seem to always be motivated by Jackie Day. Play like that every day.