This is the easiest job in the world. You see, when I started Metsblow, the Mets blew. Then, thanks to my blog, young stud pitching, and Yo, they stopped blowing as hard as the rest of the NL for half a season. It was magical.

But it made my job harder. Well, fortunately my job is easy as shit now. I (and others) predicted that without Yo, we’d have the worst offense in the league. Here it is, y’all! “The nadir of the season.” And yeah Thor needs the surgery, but zero runs ain’t gonna win a game. The Mets couldn’t score if they were a twelve-year-old boy in the Penn State locker room.

I was recently ranting to my friends (the few I have left) about how shitty the blogosphere is and how lame Metsblog is and all of the sycophants that suck Jew dick. Whenever I’m dumb enough to read some bullshit from one of these mooks, it’s always nonsense from a guy who doesn’t understand the soul of the game. They don’t see the players for who they really are. They don’t see the game for what it really is. I hate to say it, but I agree with Terry–he has talked about how this strains his relationship (and players’ relationships) with the media. So has Joe Maddon. He’s still gonna get fired at the end of this year but he’s spot on there. These dorks sit at home with their computers on their laps and they don’t even watch the games. They just report on them. They might have a corny but clever PG-rated zinger here or there (goodness!), but they don’t belong in a dugout. And when it’s clever, they probably stole it from me. Everyone’s such a bnf in these things and if I were to be on a “real” sports thing rather than a “satire” thing, I’d be canned faster than Rob Parker. Metsblow remains the only credible source in print or on the web for the truth about the Mets. That is why I took this job.

All is right in the universe. The Mets truly blow again. Yay for me. COVER THE FIELD.

If Cespedes gets healthy, we’ll make a bid for the 2nd wildcard. Might get lucky. The NL really blows.

Let’s recap what happened last night:

Duda suffered a setback. He’s DEAD. The Mets badly bungled this one. Not the first time they’ve mishandled an injury.

Yo got placed on the DL. He’s DEAD. The Mets BADLY bungled this one. They mishandled an injury…again? What!? I can’t type fast enough.

The Mets stranded a BILLION runners. The microcosm of the season. I’ve never seen so many DPs. Ow. Bases loaded? Nobody out? Right where they want us. Unwatchable garbage.

And it all happened against the Yankees (D-squad Yankees. Post blowout trade deadline sales of all their best players Yankees. Particularly their relief pitchers Yankees) in a joke stadium where runs are given away for free.

OUR WORST NIGHTMARE has come true. Cespedes is gone. And he won’t get resigned, either. I’m glad it came at a time where I don’t even give a shit anymore because this team fucking blows.Oh, god, pay him. Pleeeeeeeeez Jesus God. We still have a window open for the next couple of years.

And to those who say that we are “still in” the hunt or whatever: We are a bad team. I’ve been on teams with bad records that were “one click away” and playoff teams that got lucky and got smoked by the elite. We are NOT one click away. Unless we get hot (Bruce!? Wheeler?!), then there’s no point in watching. It’d have to “click in” for guys that weren’t here before (Bruce included). Ty Jelly! Reynaldo! Dilson! Oh, wait. Damn.

I say cover the damn field. Pay Yo for 5 years and let him golf his way back to full health for next season. But hey, if Yo comes off the DL at full strength and powers us into the 2nd WC spot, you put deGrom out there and you keep Thor loose if it’s a close game and deGrom can only battle through 6. I’m optimistic, but I’m also not really watching. No reason to watch without Yo. And hey, this was the most ridiculous loss ever, but so was two nights before that one. So was almost every game in July. And June. I’m sure today will be even worse. Resilience! Weak NL! Oh but we can’t beat the Braves, either. All good! Only 2 games out! Blinders!