Did Dru Wake the Team Up?

“I’m outta here!”

Well this is something. First and foremost, FUUUUCK this team. Everyone wants out. Who would want to work for the Wilpons? Dru’s just saying what everyone’s thinking. 

Collins couldn’t wake the team up. Dru did. Thank you, Dru. Thank you for publicly humiliating everyone. It’s just what the team needs. 

The truth is that the Giants’ pitching is atrocious–almost as bad as ours–and that’s why we won last night. But I’m glad to see a player publicly complaining about how much the Mets blow, particularly the ownership/front office. I mean for fucks sake we’ve got Montero (yes, THAT Montero) starting on Sunday!! How could you NOT want off this team?? 

Cespedes Didn’t Do Enough


The thing is, he knows it, too. 4 for 5 with a dinger just isn’t enough for this team. Gotta hit 5-run dingers. Probably gotta pitch, too.

Today, deGrom looks to avoid being swept by scrub-a-dub Joe Ross. I’d say it’s a must-win, but really WHO CARES?! The Nats don’t have the full-blown staff depth that we do! …Oops. Oh and Cespedes isn’t even playing! Get your brooms out! 

Notice how casual the Nats are. This isn’t a rivalry. They don’t care. We could stand to reignite the rivalry by plunking Murph. But we won’t. Lifeless team. And we’re not good enough. We’ll never be good enough with Ramirez & the Jewpons. Ooooh this is such a lost season. It’s so sad. Good thing we’re a 2nd half team!

I would rather watch Cespedes’ Rehab Game Than the Mets


Oh Lord we pray for Him.

Why has anyone been watching? Really, we know how this works. We know the Mets. We ARE Cespedes. Learn your fucking lesson. Keep the training staff the FUCK away from him. Cespedes is all that matters. This is a legitimately optimistic post because the Mets actually win games when he’s healthy. 2 straight postseasons with 1 and ONLY 1 reason: Yo. 

Do youz guyz even remember that? Searching for answers in a “lost” season. Even bothering to watch this trash fed to us by Jew snakes. Cespedes or we blow!! Every other conversation about “oh why is so and so strugg-a-ling” is a waste of breath. Jewpons are a plague and Yo is the only one with some kind of antibodies. He’s Wolverine AND Hulk AND Jesus (mah fav comic book hero) mixed in one. How have you all forgotten this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. 

The Last Wheel Done Come Off

motorcycle

Hey, at least we’ve still got our pitching, right? Oh, Fam can’t even get it done anymore? Well, at least we’ve still got our starting pitching, RIGHT!?

Nope. We now officially have NOTHING. We have less than what Jon Snow knows.

For the record–deGrom is still my boy. It’s just one game. But maaaaaaaan did we need this one. You can’t “get to” Bumgarner and lose. Jeeeez who the fuck had the Over in this game? Shit must’ve been goin off at 10:1 or something. Amazing. Nobody could’ve seen it coming. The only thing that everyone saw coming was that the Mets would lose so I guess it all ended up as predicted.

Walkin’, Yes Indeed I’m Walkin’

walkingboy.jpg

Not talkin’ bout Neil Walker. Not talkin’ bout walking away from this terrible season and franchise. Obviously, I’m talkin’ bout Big Sexy’s first career walk. Mazel Tov. What a delightful distraction from what’s really going on here. Do we feel like winners after that? We can’t beat the D-Backs–thanks to some unearned runs–so everyone get excited to see how we fare against the far superior Giants and Cardinals the next couple of series.

Did you know that walking is an Olympic sport? I’m pretty sure that the racewalkers get beat up by the Special Olympians.

“BALL 4! BALL 4!! HE WALKS!! THE GREATEST WALK IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS!!!” -Gary Cohen’s walk call.

I Remember Why I Took This Job

img_7337

This is the easiest job in the world. You see, when I started Metsblow, the Mets blew. Then, thanks to my blog, young stud pitching, and Yo, they stopped blowing as hard as the rest of the NL for half a season. It was magical.

But it made my job harder. Well, fortunately my job is easy as shit now. I (and others) predicted that without Yo, we’d have the worst offense in the league. Here it is, y’all! “The nadir of the season.” And yeah Thor needs the surgery, but zero runs ain’t gonna win a game. The Mets couldn’t score if they were a twelve-year-old boy in the Penn State locker room.

I was recently ranting to my friends (the few I have left) about how shitty the blogosphere is and how lame Metsblog is and all of the sycophants that suck Jew dick. Whenever I’m dumb enough to read some bullshit from one of these mooks, it’s always nonsense from a guy who doesn’t understand the soul of the game. They don’t see the players for who they really are. They don’t see the game for what it really is. I hate to say it, but I agree with Terry–he has talked about how this strains his relationship (and players’ relationships) with the media. So has Joe Maddon. He’s still gonna get fired at the end of this year but he’s spot on there. These dorks sit at home with their computers on their laps and they don’t even watch the games. They just report on them. They might have a corny but clever PG-rated zinger here or there (goodness!), but they don’t belong in a dugout. And when it’s clever, they probably stole it from me. Everyone’s such a bnf in these things and if I were to be on a “real” sports thing rather than a “satire” thing, I’d be canned faster than Rob Parker. Metsblow remains the only credible source in print or on the web for the truth about the Mets. That is why I took this job.

All is right in the universe. The Mets truly blow again. Yay for me. COVER THE FIELD.

If Cespedes gets healthy, we’ll make a bid for the 2nd wildcard. Might get lucky. The NL really blows.

The Most Ridiculous Loss of All Time

lisaloser.jpg

Let’s recap what happened last night:

Duda suffered a setback. He’s DEAD. The Mets badly bungled this one. Not the first time they’ve mishandled an injury.

Yo got placed on the DL. He’s DEAD. The Mets BADLY bungled this one. They mishandled an injury…again? What!? I can’t type fast enough.

The Mets stranded a BILLION runners. The microcosm of the season. I’ve never seen so many DPs. Ow. Bases loaded? Nobody out? Right where they want us. Unwatchable garbage.

And it all happened against the Yankees (D-squad Yankees. Post blowout trade deadline sales of all their best players Yankees. Particularly their relief pitchers Yankees) in a joke stadium where runs are given away for free.

OUR WORST NIGHTMARE has come true. Cespedes is gone. And he won’t get resigned, either. I’m glad it came at a time where I don’t even give a shit anymore because this team fucking blows.Oh, god, pay him. Pleeeeeeeeez Jesus God. We still have a window open for the next couple of years.

And to those who say that we are “still in” the hunt or whatever: We are a bad team. I’ve been on teams with bad records that were “one click away” and playoff teams that got lucky and got smoked by the elite. We are NOT one click away. Unless we get hot (Bruce!? Wheeler?!), then there’s no point in watching. It’d have to “click in” for guys that weren’t here before (Bruce included). Ty Jelly! Reynaldo! Dilson! Oh, wait. Damn.

I say cover the damn field. Pay Yo for 5 years and let him golf his way back to full health for next season. But hey, if Yo comes off the DL at full strength and powers us into the 2nd WC spot, you put deGrom out there and you keep Thor loose if it’s a close game and deGrom can only battle through 6. I’m optimistic, but I’m also not really watching. No reason to watch without Yo. And hey, this was the most ridiculous loss ever, but so was two nights before that one. So was almost every game in July. And June. I’m sure today will be even worse. Resilience! Weak NL! Oh but we can’t beat the Braves, either. All good! Only 2 games out! Blinders!

Big Bat of Big Sexy So Big

colon3rd.jpg
Colon pitched a gem, hit an oppo double, and scored after tagging to 3rd on Grandy’s fly ball and coming in on Yo’s sac fly.

You’ve just gotta learn how to slide, Bart!

Great play by Conforto in the field. And a dinger. Stay smooth. Time off helped him. Heal and pray. Walker back in the lineup also hit a dinger. We live and die by the dinger, and by our horses, of course.

Grandy’s really coming around. He hit a dinger and he would’ve had two RBI on a solid oppo fly but Joyce made a pretty damn fine catch out there to rob him. I like his intentions going the other way there.

 

The Front Office Will Blame The Fans When The Bullpen Sucks

One of the big problems that the fans correctly pointed out this year was that the Mets had absolutely no backup plan for left-handed reliever Josh Edgin. Edgin tore it the fuck up last season, then tore his elbow the fuck up this Spring Training.

When Alderson commented that they were considering going into the season with no LH reliever, the fans were (rightfully) outraged. Since then, the Mets’ front office has drastically overcompensated and is now looking to carry three (mostly shitty) lefties in the bullpen.

When the lefties don’t do well, because let’s face it, they’ve never really done well, the Mets will blame the fans. They’ll say, “see, this is what you wanted!” Not only that, but the very fact that they knee-jerk responded to fan outcry is a true sign of idiocy. This isn’t quite on the scale of pablum as Star Wars Episode 1; George Lucas famously got his new character ideas by crowdsourcing, then everyone hated his new characters, then Lucas blamed them for being stupid.

Well, George Lucas, you’re supposed to be the visionary genius! The movie maverick! You’re supposed to be the idea man, not us! If it was easy to make a super awesome movie, everyone would do it.

Sandy Alderson reminds me of some kind of SNL character (or just a kid with Aspergers) who takes things too literally. Three fans are all asked, “what should the Mets do?” And each responds, “get a left handed reliever.” So what does Sandy “Vag” Alderson do? He goes and gets three left handed relievers!

Just like George Lucas, the Mets are all about selling tickets. Movies, baseball games, whatever. It’s about making money. The Mets feared that without a lefty reliever, they wouldn’t sell as many tickets. They were right about that. So they go and somehow shoot themselves in the foot even harder than they already had. To quote Jar-Jar Binks, “Yoosa team gonna stink, okeeday!”